Posts Tagged joke of the day
01.
Friday May 27 2011
Alternate Definitions Arbitrator \ar’-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s. Avoidable \uh-voy’-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney \buh-lo’-nee\: Where some hemlines fall Bernadette \burn’-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage Burglarize \bur’-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with Control \kon-trol’\: A short, ugly inmate Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers who put together [...]
Thursday May 26 2011
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it’s because of a lack of affection at home. Women believe if a pet dog strays, it’s because of a lack of affection at home. Women believe if a woman strays, it’s because of a lack of affection at home. Women believe if a man strays, it’s because [...]
Monday May 23 2011
Dear reader, If life gives you melons, check to see if you’re dyslexic. Sincerely, lemons.
Sunday May 22 2011
When Mr. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he’d lost his wife while scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. “We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.””Well…tell me!” he demanded. The policeman said, “We have some [...]
Saturday May 21 2011
For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin. [...]
Friday May 20 2011
>I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits. >I wanted to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn’t in it. >Had to fire my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way >I used to be a hotel clerk, but quit when I realized I [...]
Thursday May 19 2011
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?’ He ignored me and continued writing [...]
Wednesday May 18 2011
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything, tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything that they could think of Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a [...]
Tuesday May 17 2011
I hate being bi-polar…It’s freaking awesome.
Monday May 16 2011
Dear duck, Remember that night in Vegas? You have a son. His name is platypus. Sincerely, beaver
Sunday May 15 2011
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refuses to serve him. “Why not,” asks the golf club. “You’ll be driving later,” replies the bartender. Naturally, the club was really teed off.
Saturday May 14 2011
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, [...]
Friday May 13 2011
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. First Bull: “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, [...]
Thursday May 12 2011
A man bought several acres of wasteland and within a year, turned it into a thriving produce farm. The local pastor stopped by and complimented the man on his vast progress. Then he added, “Wondrous things can surely happen when man and God work together.” “Amen,” said the man, “but you should’ve seen the place [...]
Wednesday May 11 2011
Dear Person pushing my buttons, You’re going down. Sincerely, The Elevator
Tuesday May 10 2011
Some elephant jokes… Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle? A: Optimistic! Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city? …A: Free Parking. Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work? A: Sole use of the elevator. Q: What do you do with [...]
Monday May 09 2011
The Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were not. People often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. [...]
Saturday May 07 2011
Things that make you go hmmmm…. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If all the world’s a stage, where is the audience sitting? If God dropped acid, would he see people? If one [...]
Thursday May 05 2011
There was a man who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother a friend of his, so the friend suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused, told the friend he was crazy. But then one day, he finally gave [...]
Wednesday May 04 2011
One night a man was out for a night with some friends. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing his wife would probably wake up, he cuckooed another 9 times. [...]
Tuesday May 03 2011
The old spinster was rocking on her front porch with her tomcat at her feet, when a good fairy suddenly appeared before her and offered her three wishes. “Aw, go on,” the little old lady said in disbelief, “if you can grant three wishes, let’s see you turn this rocking chair into a pile of [...]
Monday May 02 2011
Ariel (the mermaid) was in trouble again. Her sisters were complaining to King Neptune that she didn’t want to dress properly, as did the other mermaids. Instead of wearing anemones to obscure her breasts, she would stick long fronds of seaweed in her hair. Obviously these fronds did not always do their job because they [...]
Sunday May 01 2011
Dear Stone, Double homicide is no laughing matter. Sincerely, Two Birds
Saturday April 30 2011
So I went to see a dermatologist about a nasty red patch on my skin. I asked if it would get better, but he said he didn’t want to make any rash promises.
Friday April 29 2011
Prince Stone had this enormous moth collection. He had large moths, small moths – moths of all kinds. When King Stone decided to retire and pass his crown to the prince, he told the boy he must first dispose of the moth collection and find another hobby. “Why is that, father?”, inquired the prince. “Because”, [...]
Thursday April 28 2011
I thought about studying astronomy in college, but I knew I would just be taking up space.
Wednesday April 27 2011
A man was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said NIL. White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness. The man turned to a white-robed observer [...]
Friday April 01 2011
According to a press release issued by the City, fisherkids that attend tomorrow’s Huck Finn Derby will be eating a little better than usual tomorrow night. While the settling basins at the City Yards have traditionally been stocked with trout, this year they will be stocked with halibut! According to the press release, when the [...]
Friday February 04 2011
After Steelers coach Chuck Noll died and went to heaven, God was taking him on a tour of the place. He showed Noll a modest 3-bedroom home with a Steelers pennant hanging over the front door. “This is your eternal home, Chuck” said God. “You should feel mighty proud, because most folks don’t get their [...]
