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Attorney Jokes Blonde Jokes Holiday Jokes Lists Page

 

Submit your joke here


Q.  How do you stop an attorney from drowning?

A. Shoot him before he hits the water.


Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first
person he sees asking, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers
"241." "That is wonderful," says Albert, "We will talk about the Grand
Unification theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have
much to discuss." Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and
asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the lady answers "144." "That is
great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs.
We will have much to discuss." Albert then goes to another person
and asks, "What is your IQ?" and the man answers, "51." Albert
responds, "Any interesting cases scheduled on the docket?"


YOU'RE ATTENDING THE WRONG LAW SCHOOL IF...

  • Materials needed for Torts 101 include a baking sheet and an apron.

  • Morley Safer and his camera crew are on campus more often than you are.

  • If you last the entire eight weeks, Sally Struthers personally signs your diploma.

  • Professors always accept 5th Amendment as an excuse for not turning in homework.

  • Every question answered with, "You can't handle the truth!"

  • Two words: Dean Wapner

  • Three hours a day of chasing a little metal ambulance around a dog track.

  • In mock trials, the judge always sentences you to a spanking.

  • Your roommate is on a "John Gotti Scholarship."


A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to

three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the

left costs $500." "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer.

The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one

costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it

knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third

parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the

question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest,

I've never seen him do a damn thing, but the other two call him Senior

Partner."


A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande

from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward

was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger

decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced

the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his

trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under

arrest.  Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." 

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak

Spanish.  Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and

translated the Ranger's message.  The terrified bandit blurted out,

in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree  in back of

the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger.  The lawyer

answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me!'"


Q.  You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets, what should you do?

A.  Shoot the lawyer, twice !!


Q.  What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a sleazy politician?

A.  Chelsea Clinton.


Q.  What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull terrier?

A.  Lipstick !


Q.  What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from a plane?

A.  Skeet.


Q.  What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?

A.  Not enough sand.


Q.  Why has there never been a reported case of a shark biting a lawyer?

A.  Professional courtesy !


Q.  Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a lost hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

A.  The old drunk, of course; all of the other three are mythical creatures!


A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong

evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the

defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his

client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. 

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you

all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one

minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into

this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The

jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute

passed. Nothing happened.  Finally the lawyer said, "Actually,

I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with

anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable

doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist

that you return a verdict of not guilty."  The jury, clearly confused,

retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and

pronounced a verdict of guilty.  "But how?" inquired the lawyer.

"You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

 The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."


A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to
see what his condition was.The doctor examined him and
told him his heart is failing and recommended a transplant.
The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any
hearts immediately available, considering that money was
no object.  "I do have three hearts," said the doctor.  "The
first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic,
swimmer, with a great diet.  He hit his head on the
swimming pool and died. It's $100,000.  The second is from
a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong.
He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000.   The third is from a heavy
drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It's $500,000."  "Hey, why
is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"  "Yes, but
it's from a lawyer, so it's never been used."

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.


Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers

burst in.  While one of the robbers takes the money from

the tellers,  the other lines the customers, including the

lawyers, up against a wall, and proceeds to take their

wallets, watches, etc.  While this is going on lawyer number

one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without

looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?"

To which the first lawyer replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."


After a truly harrowing divorce, the husband took some time off,

wandering the western states on his motorcycle. One night,

sitting by himself in the ranching town's only bar, he stated to

no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses." Hearing this,

the bartender cautioned him: "Mister, you gotta watch that kind

of language around here. You're in horse country."


A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me

$500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?" 

"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.  "Nope," replied

the man.  "Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he

owed you," said the lawyer.  "But it's only $500," replied the man. 

"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the

proof we need to nail him."


Q.  Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

A.  To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!


Q.  What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

A.  A tick falls off you when you die!


Q.  What is black & brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A.  A Doberman.


Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.


A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house

in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year.
Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to
spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a
backwoods section of Maine.  On one particular occasion, he
invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager
to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed.  Well, they had a splendid time
in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.  Early one
morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to
pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry
patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities,
along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.  Well, the lawyer,
seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though,
wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him
whole.  The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast
as he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.  The sheriff grabbed
his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.  "He's in THAT one!"
cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from
his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled
his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do
that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who
told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A: An offer you can't understand.
Q. Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have

the most toxic waste dumps?
A. New Jersey got first pick. 

A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome

Moroccan leather wallet.  The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possibly compensate him for his services.  "My fee for that work, " acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars."  The client calmly opened the wallet, removed a one thousand dollar bill from it, replaced it with a five hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.


A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town,
obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks,
"Is there a criminal attorney in town?"
To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped,
"Yes, but we can't prove it yet!" 
Things that Sound Dirty in Law

1.Have you looked through her briefs?
2.He is one hard judge.
3.Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
4.Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
5.Is it a penal offense?
6.Better leave the handcuffs on.
7.For $200 an hour, she better be good.
8.Can you get him to drop his suit?
 9.The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
10.Think you can get me off? 


Q. Why don't attorneys go to the  beach?
A. Cats keep trying to bury them.

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment

by the devil. As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking

sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling

up to a beautiful woman.  'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to

roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with

a beautiful woman.'  'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the

man with his pitchfork.  'Who are you to question that

woman's punishment?'


Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

A. From chasing parked ambulances.
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief

vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed
an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an
exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn,
then stopped short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"  "Well," she said, "when my
folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and
talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family
than a lawyer."

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to

three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the

left costs $500." "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer.

The  owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one

costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it

knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third

parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the

question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest,

I've never seen him do a damn thing, but the other two call him Senior

Partner."


Malborn sat in his attorney's office.  "Do you want the bad news first
or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.  "Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."  "That's the bad
news?" asked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible
news."  "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among
]them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The
physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam
and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon.  Therefore, medicine
is the oldest profession."  The engineer replied, "But, before that, God
created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he
was the first engineer.  Therefore, engineering is an older profession
than medicine.  "Then, the lawyer spoke up.  "Yes," he said, "but who
do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?

A. Deep down, they're good.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A. The lawyer charges more.
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?...

He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
Taking his seat in his  chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he

said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed
uncomfortably.  "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney
Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a
check. He handed it to Leon.  "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to
decide this case solely on its merits! 
One day an attorney remarked to a friend, “I just finished a
puzzle and it only took me five months.”

“Five months?” her friend asked. “That seems like an
awfully long time to do a puzzle.”

“Not at all,” she explained. “The box says 6 to 12 years.” 


A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers
here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of
people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the
gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then
St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the
front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all
this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all
the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193
years old!"

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client
merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not
himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed
by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm
to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant
smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench,
and walked out.

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose
this case, I'll be ruined!"
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him
against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the
defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It
really worked!"
Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent
them."
"But I did send them.", replied the man.
"What?" shouted the lawyer?
"I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the
plaintiff's business card."

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a
grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know
me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you
were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat
on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not
knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you
know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been
a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the
entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and
called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of
you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they
produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
 The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them,
"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
 The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and
then exchanged sandwiches.


Q.  What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead attorney in the road?

A.  There's skid marks in front of the snake.


Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

                  A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

                  A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...

                  A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second  part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.  The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

                  1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable.

                  2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

                  3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the
procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that
the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first
part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the
most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."


A few centuries ago, a Law teacher came across a student

who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fee. The

student struck a deal saying 'I will pay your fee the day I win

my first case in the court.'   Teacher agreed and proceeded

with the law course. When the course was finished and teacher

started pestering the student to pay up the fee, student

reminded him of the deal and pushed days. Fed up with this,

the teacher decided to sue the student in the court of law and

both of them decided to argue for themselves. The teacher put

forward his argument saying: "If I win this case, as per the court

of law, the student has to pay me. And if I lose the case, the

student will still pay me because he would have won his first case.

So either way I will have to get the money."  Equally brilliant

student argued back saying: "If I win the case, as per the court

of law, I don't have to pay anything to the teacher. And if I lose

the case, I don't have to pay him because I haven't won my first

case yet. So either way, I am not going to pay the teacher anything!"

This is one of law's greatest paradox.


A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the  witness: The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"  The witness: "Yes, sir." The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"  The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."  The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly  that distance?"  The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."


A little blind bunny and a little blind snake met each other in the woods one day and, as neither of them could see themselves, they decided to feel each other and then describe each other so that the bunny would know what kind of animal he was and the snake would also know what he was. The snake ran his tongue over the bunny.  "Why, you are fluffy and soft and have a wet nose" the snake said "you must be a bunny."  The bunny then ran his paws over the length of the snake and said, "Well, you are cold, slimy, scaly and hard .... you must be an attorney!


Warning - PG13 (language)

This one big lawyer from the city decided to take time away from his busy day and went out to a farm and shot a duck.  The farmer walks out of his building upon hearing the shot and screams at the city guy - "HEY You can't shoot that duck on my property. That duck belongs to me. Hand it over!"  The city guy says, 'Hell no, I shot him so I get to keep him!" The farmer and the city boy decide to settle it country style (which is to kick each other in the groin area till the other one falls over")  So the farmer goes first and slams the city boy a nice hard stiff kick. Upon receiving the kick, the city boy almost collapses from the pain.  The city boy regains his balance and stutters "It's my turn."  The  farmer looks at him and says - "aw hell, keep the damn duck!


A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.  A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.


A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice."  Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, "You should cry, pulling a stunt like this!"  Through his tears, Murray croaks, "You don't understand! They left out the phone number!"

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