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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 22

 

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Attorney Jokes Blonde Jokes Holiday Jokes Lists Page

 

Submit your joke here


A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward

whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind,

pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners,

then I'm against it.  "But if you mean the elixir of Christmas

cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that

puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled

children, then I'm for it. "This is my position, and I will not

compromise!"


The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk.

The people did some research and found that they could buy

a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.  They

brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people

were very happy.  They decided to acquire a bull to mate

with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would

never have to worry about their milk supply again.  They

bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved

cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,

the cow would move away. No matter what approach the

bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he

could not succeed in his quest. The people were very

upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise,

what to do.  They told the Vet what was happening.

"Whenever the bull tires to mount our cow, she moves

away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side." 

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did

you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"  The people were

dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where

they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"  The Vet

replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."


You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start

to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.


Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier

than the people who have to wait for them?


Q.  If two wrongs don't make a right, what did two rights make?

A.  An airplane.


This psychic was jailed for false prophecies, but because he was

only 4'7" tall and extremely slender, he was able to slip under the

bars and make his escape. Newspaper headline the next day

stated . . . "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE."   The psychic was

really happy he had escaped, and soon was back in business

in a new location. His first customer, however, was a plainclothes

cop who had been searching for him.  Before the psychic could

escape, the detective hit the psychic with his fist to subdue him.

After the arrest, the policeman was commended for striking a

happy medium.


FEMALE GOLFING TERMS

CADDY -- 2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself.

CHIPPING -- Time to get our nails done again.

DOUBLE BOGIE -- "Casablanca" followed by "African Queen."

FAIRWAY -- Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.

GOOD LIE -- Weight on our driver's license.

GREENS -- Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.

HOLE-IN-ONE -- Time to get new pantyhose.

IRON -- What guys need to learn to do to their own shirts.

ROUGH -- Getting a guy to understand pretty much anything.

SHAFT -- You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.

SLICE -- "No thanks...just a sliver."

TEES -- Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee.

WATER HAZARD -- Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip.

WEDGE -- Bathing suit that's too tight.


Sam and Greg lived in a retirement center and were sitting on a

bench under a tree when Greg turned to the Sam and said,

"Sam, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and

pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Sam says, "Well, I feel just like a newborn baby." Greg

said, "Really! Like a baby!" To which Sam replied, "Yep.

No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet myself."


Q.  Whats the difference between a well-dressed man and a tired dog?

A.  The man wears a suit and the dog just pants.


Q.  What would be the result if you mated Albert Einstein with a fairy godmother?

A.  The Theory of Cinderelativity


Q.  Why did the student wear glasses in math class?

A.  Because it helps to improve division. (if you didn't get that, slow down, say it again, out loud).


One night a man was out for a night with some friends. Around 3 a.m.,

drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the

cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing

his wife would probably wake up, he cuckooed another 9 times. 
He was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution

(even when smashed) in order to escape a possible conflict with his wife. 

The next morning she asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12:00.

She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! he thought, I got away with that one!

Then she said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."  When he asked her why,

she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said, "Oh

hell!" cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times,

giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and started snoring.


Before he was elected (sort of) president, George W. Bush was invited to a

high level meeting at the White House.  After drinking several glasses of iced

tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.  He was

astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal.  That afternoon,

George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said," when I am

President, I'll get to have a gold urinal!"  The next day, when Laura had lunch

with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery

of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold

urinal.  That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned

to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone."


A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.  "In English,"

he said, "a double negative forms a positive.  In some languages though,

such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."  "However," he

pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a

negative."  A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."


Q.  What's the difference between a Train and Teacher?
A.  A train says, "Chew, Chew!" and a Teacher says, "Spit the gum
out!


Actual test answers.....

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.


Julie went to the doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors,

but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming. 

As she ran down the hall, an older doctor stopped her and asked her what

the problem was, and she explained what was wrong. He had her sit down

and relax in another room.  The older doctor marched back to the new

doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs.Jones is a 35 year

old, she has four children, her husband had a vasectomy and you told her

she was pregnant?"  The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to

write on his clipboard.  "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"


Q.  How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway paper bag?

A.  You take the f out of Safe, and the f out of way. (Think about it, there's

no "f" in way, if you still don't get it, say that out loud)


Q.  What do you get when you cross a tree with a baseball player?

A.  Babe Root


Erin was having trouble with her computer, so she called Brian, the computer guy,

over to her desk. Brian clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he

was walking away, Erin called after him, "So, what was wrong?"  He replied, "It was

an ID Ten T Error." A puzzled expression came over Erin's face. "An ID Ten T Error?

What's that? In case I need to fix it again."  Brian gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever

heard of an ID Ten T Error before?"  "No," replied Erin.  "Write it down," he said, "and I

think you'll figure it out."  She wrote........ I D 1 0 T


H. J. Heinz has announced the launch of a new corporate Web site. As one company

spokesperson put it, "We were behind other food processing companies in the race to

cyberspace, but the new site allows us to ketchup."


Q.  Why did the acorns cross the road?

A.  Because they were nuts.


A lady had a height problem - she was TOO tall, being exactly 2 meters tall.

She hated the way she had to duck to walk through a doorway, the way she

felt so uncomfortable in a car... So she visited an expert. The expert said:
"Go visit the Dwarven Town. It's full of dwarfs. Find any dwarf, and ask him

if he'll marry you. Every time a dwarf says 'no,' you grow 10 cm shorter!" 

The lady did as she was told. She went to the Dwarven Town, and found a

dwarf, and asked if he would marry her. He refused. She found herself 10 cm

shorter. She quickly repeated this act another time on another dwarf. Now

180 cm tall, she decided to ask one more dwarf then go home. She boldly

walked up to a dwarf and asked if he would marry her. The dwarf replied:

"No, no, no, no, no...! I don't want to marry a tall person like you! You're too

tall! No, no, no, no, no!"


Q.  What do you get when you cross a dog with a cantaloupe?

A.  A melon-collie baby.


This Strange English Language.

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural

of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are

called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese. 

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural

of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called

men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of

my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair

be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why

shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? Then one may be

that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never

be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a

brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we

never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his

and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.


Q.  Why was the Cyclop's school so small?

A.  Because there was only one pupil.


A water-garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they

have to be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a

pickup truck's bed. They'll pay in food, which is exactly what the

cat likes best! For each load delivered, the company will provide

one enormous home-baked casserole with a crust of middle-eastern

flat bread. Mmmmmm! That's right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddle peepers.


A mother accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City.

The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several

wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. 

The mother finally hailed herself a cab and they both climbed in, at

which point the young daughter asked her mother, "Mommy, what

are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"  The mother replied,

"Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick

them up on their way home from work."  The cabby, upon hearing

this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, c'mon lady!

Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud. They're hookers!" 

A brief period of silence followed, and the daughter then asked,

"Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?" The mother

replied, "Of course, dear, where do you think New York cab

drivers come from?"


Q.  Which of King Arthur's Knights designed the round table?

A.  Sir Cumforance


How Diplomacy Works

Henry Kissinger goes to see a poor man and says, "I want

to arrange a marriage for your son. "The poor man replies,

"I never interfere in my son's life." Kissinger responds, "But

the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter." "Well, in that case..." 

Next Kissinger approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a

husband for your daughter." "But my daughter is too young

to marry." "But this young man is already a vice president

of the World Bank." "Ah, in that case..."  Finally Kissinger

goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have a young

man to recommend to you as a vice president." "But I already

have more vice presidents than I need." "But this young man

is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law." "Ah, in that case...."


Margaret was arguing with the druggist because her favorite

cure-all could not be bought without a prescription. "Look, lady.

You can't have this without a prescription because it's a

habit-forming drug."  "IT IS NOT!" yelled Margaret! "I ought to

know...I've been taking it regularly for seventeen years!"


A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of

a famous specialist.  "So who did you see before coming to me?"

asked the doctor.  "My local General Practitioner."  "Your GP?"

scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of

 useless advice did he give you?"  "He told me to come and see you."


A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. 

"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks

the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." 

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."   The

juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

 A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver

to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"


Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other

detective replied. "A golf gun?! What's a golf gun?" "I don't know. But

it sure made a hole in Juan."


Q.  What did the big hand on the clock ask the little hand?

A.  Got a minute?


A steam locomotive passing through Poland one night was running low on

coal. The engineer said to his fireman, "We're coming to a town, let's stop

and send the porter out to get more coal. Can you see the name of the town

on the depot sign?"  The fireman replied, "It appears to be Danzig in the dark." 

And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!"


Attention college students:

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.


Bob was telling his friend Joe about his vacation in France.  Bob

talked about how lovely the Eiffel Tower was, the exquisite works

of art at the Louvre, the Notre Dame, and of course, the beautiful

French women. Joe asked Bob, "Was there anything you didn't

like about France?"  "Well," Bob replies, "there was one thing that

was strange about it. In France, anything you eat, anything you drink,

even the air that you breathe over there cleans out your colon. I mean,

it REALLY cleans your colon out." So Joe says, "Gee, with France

like that, who needs enemas?"


Two yankee boys were driving through the South and was stopped

by a State Trooper. The trooper walked up to the open driver's window,

reached in, and slapped the driver on the side of his head.  "What

did you do that for?" the driver asked.  "I don't know how y'all do it

up north but here in Georgia, you have your drivers license ready

when I walk up to the car."  The trooper took the license when it

was offered, walked back to his unit and then returned the license

to the driver. He then walked around to the passenger side of the

car and tapped on the window. When the passenger rolled the

window down, the trooper reached in and slapped the passenger

on the side of the head.  "What did you do that for?" asked the

startled passenger.  "Well", responded the trooper, "I did not want

you to be disappointed. I'm figuring you'll get about two miles

down the road and then say, 'I wish that redneck SOB woulda

tried that with me...'"


Two cannibals sat beside a large fire, after eating the best meal

they'd had in ages. "Your wife sure makes a good roast." 

commented the first cannibal. "Yeah," replied the second. 

"I'm really going to miss her..."


Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young

father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you

prepared for it?"  "I think so," the man replied. "My wife has

made appetizers and we have a caterer coming with plenty of

cookies and cakes for all of our friends."  "I don't mean that,"

the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?" 

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case

of whiskey."


Pres. Dubya was out jogging one morning when he came

across a little boy sitting on the White House lawn with a

box full of newborn puppies.  He was mesmerized by the

cute little puppies and when the little boy said, "You should

take one, they're Republican puppies," George replied,

"Well, that's just great, maybe I will."  The next day, he

takes Dick Cheney jogging with him. "Dick, you gotta

come with me, there's something I have to show you." 

As they approach the boy with the box, the boy says,

"Would either of you like a puppy? They're Democrat

puppies."  A puzzled George asks, "But didn't you tell

me just yesterday that they were Republican puppies?"

The boy replied, "Yes, but that was before their eyes

were opened."


Jack hadn't been to a class reunion in decades. When

he walked into this latest one, he thought he recognized

a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and

extended his hand in greeting, saying, "You look like

Helen Brown."  "Well," the woman snapped back, "you

don't look so great in blue, either!"


Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A. Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"


A hospital posted a notice in the nurse's lounge saying:

"Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life

are the most dangerous."  Underneath, a nurse had written:

"The last five are pretty risky, too."


A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks

when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police

force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why,

Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks,

would it? "That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I

arrested Judge Ito on his way to the masquerade ball." "You

mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to

know that his convict suit was only a costume." demanded

Mike.  "Well," mused Pat, ""tis life and there's a lesson in

this somewhere."  "That there is," replied Mike. "'TIS WISE

NEVER TO BOOK A JUDGE BY HIS COVER."


A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board

his ship at about 3 A. M. but was caught by the Chief Petty

Officer. Upon hearing the sailor's lame excuse for his tardiness,

the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep

every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig

for you! The sailor picked up the broom, As he began to

sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor

yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked

the gull off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. It left,

only to return and land once again on the broom handle.

The sailor went through the same routine all over again,

with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done

because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice

before the blasted gull returned. When morning came, the

chief petty officer returned to check his wayward sailor's

progress. "What have you been doing all night?  This chain

is no cleaner than when you started! What do you have to

say for yourself, sailor?" "Honest, chief," came the reply, "I

TOSSED A TERN ALL NIGHT AND COULDN'T SWEEP A LINK!"


This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket

for 5 years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice

machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the

manager if he can work the juice machines. The manager

says no. The bag boy goes, "But I've been working here for

5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?" The manager

goes, "I'M SORRY, BUT BAGGERS CAN'T BE JUICERS."


The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from

the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason

for the move. You can't post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt

Not Commit Adultery, and Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full

of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.


A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of

Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their

reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." 

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and

so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter,"

the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and

they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."


Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach. The lady lobster

suggested that the gentleman lobster to get them an ice

cream each. Having purchased two ice cream cones Mr. Lobster

made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat

his ice cream.  By the time he has finished the ice cream he

realized that his lady friend's ice cream had started to melt all

down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it.  When

he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend exclaimed,

"Where are the ice creams?"  "Well" he said. "I decided to eat

mine.  Then yours melted, so I ate that too."  His lady friend

 was incensed and cried, "You shellfish bastard!"


It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks

the circus had brought in for Easter, and accidentally inhaled

a bunch of them. The poor elephant was choking on them and

no one could help. (Ever tried doing the Heimlich on a pachyderm?)

Finally the trainer goosed him -- and the elephant blew out a

whole trunk full of downy feathers. Yep! That's what he gets

for snorting quack.


Q.  Why did the penny jump off the cliff but not the nickel?

A.  Because the nickel had more cents


A man was playing tooth fairy when his daughter suddenly

woke up. Seeing the money in his hand, she cried out, "I

caught you!"  He froze and tried to think of an explanation

for why he, instead of the tooth fairy, was putting the money

under her pillow--but her next words let him off the hook. 

"You put that money back!" she said indignantly. "The tooth

fairy left that for me!"


The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic.

"Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go

up to the buffet table five times?"  "Not a bit," the husband

replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"


One day three men were walking along and came upon a

large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side,

but had no idea of how to do it. The first man prayed to GOD

saying, "Please, GOD, give me the strength to cross this river."

Poof! GOD gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was

able to swim across the river in about two hours.  Seeing this,

the second man prayed to GOD saying, "Please, GOD, give

me the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! GOD

gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river

in about an hour.  The third man had seen how this worked

out for the other two, so he also prayed to GOD saying,

"Please, GOD, give me the strength, ability and intelligence

to cross this river." And, poof! GOD turned him into a woman. 

She looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.


Copyright 1998 - 2011 by The Coburn Group, Sierra Madre. All logos, trademarks or product names mentioned or displayed herein are the property of their respective owners. All photographs and videos on this site Copyright 1998 - 2011, by Bill Coburn, Sierra Madre, CA unless otherwise noted Any reference to the City of Sierra Madre or Sierra Madre applies to the community of Sierra Madre and not the city government. The City of Sierra Madre, California government is not affiliated with Sierra Madre News.Net at this time. Any city government information provided herein has been previously published for public dissemination and is shown here as a public service of Sierra Madre News.Net without explicit permission of the government of the City of Sierra Madre.