St. Peter was at the pearly gates, making his usual list of names of

people waiting to get into heaven. The first man  walked up and Peter

asked, "Who are you?" "It's me, Albert Jones," the voice replied. St.

Peter took his name and let him in.  St. Peter asked the second one

the second same question, "And who are you?"  "It's me, Charlie

Anderson." St. Peter took his name and let him in.  Finally he turns

to the third, asking the same question, "Who are you?"  "It is I, Vera

Chapman," answered the third.  "Oh, great," muttered St. Peter.

"Another English teacher."

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about

a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down

pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so

impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After

some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck

and the pot.  Three days later the circus owner runs back to the

bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a

whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"  "Well?" asked

the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle

under the pot?"

Q.  Did you hear about the guy that stayed up all night to see where the sun went?

A.  It finally dawned on him.

"I'm learning to speak Spanish by calling my bank and pressing the #2 button."

In a software design meeting, staff was using typical technical

jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One

worker said the programming they had ordered was delayed

because the vendor was suffering from a "severe non-linear

waterfowl issue." Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows

and asked, "What exactly is that?"  The programmer replied,

"They don't have all their ducks in a row."

Q.  What do you call a dancing parrot's ballet skirt?

A.  A cocca-tutu

There's a man and his wife who own a pub, and have a dog

called Fido, who's 24, which is very old for a dog. One day

the dog tragically dies, and they bury him but keep his tail

separate as a  memorial.  That night, the man hears a strange

noise and rushes downstairs to find the dog's ghost, demanding

his tail back.  The man was just about to give the tail back

when the wife rushed down and said: 'Don't give it back! Don't

give it back!'  'Why?' asked the man.  'You're not allowed to

retail spirits after 12:00!'

Two nuns, who worked in a hospital, were out driving in the

country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing

beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck

approached them.  Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker

stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they

had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than

happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket

or a can.  Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan

from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it

would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan.

He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck

and waved goodbye.  While the nuns were carefully pouring the

precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by.  He stopped

and watched them for a few moments, then said, "Sisters,

somehow I don't think that's going to work, but I sure do admire your faith!"

Senators William Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii

sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells

to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis

Team after its tour of Communist China.   The bill failed to pass,

cheating the Senate out of passing the "Spong-Fong Hong Kong

Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill."

The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the

ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent

to interview him.  "Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you

have observed the white man for many generations, you have

seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress,

and all his problems."  The chief nodded. The official continued,

"Considering recent events, in Your opinion, where has the white

man gone wrong?"  The chief stared at the government officials

for over a minute, and then  calmly replied. "When white man

found the land, Indians were running it.

* No taxes.

* No debt.

* Plenty buffalo

* Plenty beaver

* Women did the work

* Medicine man free

* Indian men hunted and fished all the time."

The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to

think he could improve system like that."

A nurse at a hospital received a call from an anxious woman.

"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," 

she said.  "Are you light-headed?" the nurse asked. "No,"

the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be

a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight

while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphic

calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious

al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons

of math instruction.

Q.  Do you know how to make an elephant fly?

A.  Well, first you have to start with a 60 inch zipper.

A Chicago man dies and goes to hell.  When he gets there,

the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says

"sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here."  The

man says, "No problem. I'm from Chicago."  So the devil

goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to

100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the

Chicago man to see how he's doing. To the devil's surprise,

the man is doing just fine. "No problem...just like Chicago in

June," the man says.  So the devil goes back over to the

thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the

humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the

Chicago man is doing.  The man is sweating a little, but

overall looks comfortable.  "No problem. Just like Chicago

in July," the man says.  So now the devil goes over to the

thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the

humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the

man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has

taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK.   He says,

"no problem. Just like Chicago in August."  Now the devil

is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and

turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES.

Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the

whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen,

deathly cold wasteland.  When he goes back now to see how

the Chicago man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man

is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The

devil immediately asks the man what's going on.  To which

the Chicago man replies..... "THE CUBS WON THE WORLD

SERIES!!!"  "THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"

Q.  Who was the last person to box Rocky Marciano?

A.  His undertaker

Q.  Why was the amoeba prison so small?

A.  Because it only had one cell

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David

and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential

that husbands and wives know the things that are important

to each other.  He addressed the man, "Can you name your

wife's favorite flower?"  David leaned over, touched his wife's

arm and whispered, "Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it?"

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony

beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender

set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?" "Yeah, a costume

party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as

my love life."  "But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the

barkeep.  "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi. After

requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the

small town airport and how in Texas they have larger runways

on their ranches.  They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor

bridge, and the man is further unimpressed - "I have a duck

pond bigger than that harbor, and an ornamental bridge to

span it that makes this look like a toy".  The Sydney-Newcastle

expressway also gets his scorn, "Is  this a road, or a track?" 

So when a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab, causing the

sudden and severe application of the brakes, the driver couldn't

help himself - "Stupid grass hoppers!"

Q.  How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

A.  From a catalog!

You know you're old if you can remember when bacon, eggs and sunshine were good for you.

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered

to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because

white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day

of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then

said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast

as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran

she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord,

please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying,

she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing

her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running

again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord,

please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you

do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece

of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second

boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a

piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third

boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words

on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight

people to collect all the money!"

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created

everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed

especially intent when they told him how Eve was created

out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother

noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said,

"Johnny,  what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded,

"I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Q.  Why couldn’t they sell soda pop at the doubleheader?

A.  Because the home team lost the opener.

Q.  How many ears did Davy Crockett have?

A.  Three: One left ear, one right ear, and one wild front ear!

A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment

and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at

the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.  The detective asks,

"Sir, is that your wife?"  "Yes." "Did you hit her with that golf club?" 

"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the

club and puts his hands on his head.  "How many times did you

hit her?"  "I don't know. Five . . . six . . . put me down for a five."

Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing house.

They both decided it was time  to get married.  So Little Johnny

went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage. "Where will

you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute.  "Well," said

Little Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's

plenty big for both of us."  "And how will you live?" "I get $5 a

week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That

should be enough."  Getting exasperated since Little Johnny

seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked, "And what

if little ones come along?"  "Well," said Little Johnny, "we've been

lucky so far!"

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me,

provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take

good care of me . . . they must be Gods!  A cat thinks: Hey,

these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a

nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me . . .

I must be a God!

Q - What does "DNA" stand for?

A - National Association of Dyslexics.

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see

a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a

man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?" 

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd

have to kill you."  After a short pause, the man yelled back,

"Ok, then... just tell my wife."

A German farmer with relatives in the US sent them a package

consisting of some pork sausages made from his old pig. When

they complained that the package had not yet arrived, he wrote:

"Cheer up. The wurst is yet to come."

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to

make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman says, "I'll miss you." 

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he

stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the

neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"  

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make

love to you really badly.   She said - Well, you succeeded.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?   She said -

That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit

on the sofa and pass gas.

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money

I gave you?  She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor.

One day, a husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds

after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife,

"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"   "It depends,"

she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"   He yelled back,

"University of Oklahoma."

There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf fanatic. Every

Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up very early and golfs

all day long.  Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses

quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to

the course. It is raining a torrential downpour.  There is snow mixed with the

rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph.  He comes back into the house and turns

the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds that it's supposed to be

bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly

undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back,

and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."  She replies, "Can you

believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"

At a party, a woman walked up to Calvin Coolidge, 30th U.S. president (1923 to 1929)

and said, "My husband bet me I couldn't get three words out of you." 

Coolidge replied "You lose."

Q.  What do you call a low-calorie meal for a cowboy?

A.  A Saddle Light Dish

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher

said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a

human because even though it was a  very large mammal

its throat was very small. The little girl stated that  Jonah was

swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a

 whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The  little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher  asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little

girl replied, "Then you  ask him."

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children

while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each

child's art work. As she got to one little girl who was working

diligently, she asked what the  drawing was. The girl replied,

"I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one

knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or

looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina, having a

few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the "Fourth of July."

He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a

cruise.  Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up

his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations

were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's

cousin. Anyway, the appointment went overtime, and Opie was

late getting to the marina. Luke had been drinking all this time,

and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down

the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave

to his friend, and nearly fell in!  Opie got there just in time to grab

Luke.  Thus, it was that O. B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from

falling to the dock side of the Fourth.