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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 17


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Page 24 Lists Page
Attorney Jokes Blonde Jokes Holiday Jokes Lists Page


Submit your joke here

Dear Tech Support,


Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and

noticed a slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in

the flower and jewelry applications that had  operated flawlessly

under Boyfriend 5.0.  In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many

other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal

Attention 6.5, but  installed undesirable programs such as

NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer

runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply   crashes the system. 

I've tried  running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to

no avail.  What can I do?       


Signed, Desperate


Dear Desperate,


First keep in mind,  Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,

while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.  Try entering the

command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download

Tears  6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.  If all works as designed,

Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the   applications

Jewelry 2.0 and  Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can

cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy

Hour 7.0 or  Beer 6.1.  Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will

create Snoringloudly.wav files.  Whatever you do, DO NOT install

Mother-in-law 1.0 or  reinstall another Boyfriend program. These

are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.  In

summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a

limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider additional software to improve memory

and performance.  I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and

Lingerie  6.9. Husband 1.0 is very fond of Lingerie 6.9.          


Good Luck, Tech Support

Scott and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had

to take an intelligence test. They each found the test a breeze,

except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by

the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge

of a plant."  "How did you answer that last one?" asked Scott.

"I was a bit puzzled at first, but then I thought of Superintendent." 

"I think I got it right too," said Pete, "but I wrote down Horticulturist."

An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing

about who'd had the tougher career.  “I did 30 years in the Corps,”

the Marine declared proudly, “and fought in three of my country's

wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed

my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an

entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.  “As a

sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We

pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to

the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small

arms fire.  “Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive

combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and

razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes,

ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a

firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty,

then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!”  “Ah,” said the Sailor

with a dismissive wave of his hand, “all shore duty, huh?”

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject

turned to getting older. The first guy said "Women have all the

luck when it comes to getting older."  "What do you mean?"

asked the second guy.  "Well," replied the first. "I can barely

remember the last time I got aroused in bed, but my wife is

healthier than ever!"  "Healthier? How is that?" his buddy

wondered.  "Years ago, when we were younger, almost

every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches."

he answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had a

headache in years."

A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive

restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy,

then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked

pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here

and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown

into the alley like a common bum?"  "I'm very sorry sir..."

began the contrite headwaiter.  "Oh, it's quite all right." said

the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."

Q.  Why won’t a cannibal eat people that work at Texaco?

A.  They give him gas.

Having A Bad Day?
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients
always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m.,

regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and

some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around

11 a.m. on Sundays. So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled

to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning,

a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait

outside the ward
to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some
were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward
off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the

part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support

system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner. 
Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil

spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most

expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild

amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking

frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running

from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away
from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,
breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily
listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending
pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand
pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILL having a bad day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it
was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Q.  What is the favorite song of electrical engineers?

A.  Ohm on the Range

A woman invited some people to a dinner party. After a full day

of preparation they were all finally gathered around the

table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would

you like to say the blessing?"  "I don't know what to say," the girl

replied.  "Just say what you hear Mommy say."  The daughter

bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all

these people to dinner?"

Q.  How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
A.  Unique Up On It.

Q. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
A. Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing

and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing

department soundly. To show just "how" the marketing department earns

their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2000 Softball

Season, we came in second place, having lost but one game all year.

The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they

won only one game."

Q. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
A. They Take The Psycho Path

Q.. How Do You Get Holy Water?
A. You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

Q.  Why did the turtle cross the road?

A.  To get to the shell station

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology".  The town

fathers were not too happy with the sign and they proposed "Hysterias and Posteriors".

The Doctors didn't like that idea, and suggested "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".

The town didn't like that one either and countered with "Catatonics and High Colonics". 

Thumbs down again. By now the story was in the papers and

suggestions began rolling in: "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives."

"Minds and Behinds".  "Freaks and Cheeks".  "Loons and Moons".

None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally settled

on "Dr Smith & Dr Jones, Odds & Ends"

Q. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
A. Polaroids

Q. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A.  A Stick.

Q. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
A. Subordinate Clauses.

Q. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
A. Quatro Sinko.

Q.  What was the convenience store clerk's reaction when Satan

      came in and asked for a lemon lime drink?

A.  He gave the Devil his Dew.

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down

on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me

a beer before it starts."  The wife sighs and gets him a beer. 

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." 

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next

to him.  He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick,

get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."  The wife is

furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight?

Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy,

drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."  The man sighs and says,

"It's started . . "

Q. How many bouncers does it take to throw someone down the stairs?

A. None! He fell. Really, he fell.

Q.  What is the most dangerous part of a car?

A.  The nut that holds the steering wheel.

We DID offer support in their war against Iran....

The U.N. Secretary General privately asked Secretary of State Powell 

"What real proof do you have that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?" 

Powell whispered, "We kept the receipts." 

Q.  What did the jack say to the car?

A.  I know you're in a hurry so don't let me hold you up too long.

Q.  What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
A.  Spoiled Milk.

A young man was talking to a girl that he had just met, and asked her name.

"I don't want to tell you," she said, "I'm named after both of my parents,

and it's kind of embarrassing." "Well, what could be so bad about that?"

the young man asked. "My mother's name is Eliza, and my father's name

is Ferdinand." the girl answered. "Well, those are nice names" the guy

replied. "It would be if they wouldn't have named me FerdEliza!"

Q.  What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A.  A Nervous Wreck.

Q.  What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
A.  Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Q.  Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
A.  Right Where You Left Him.

Q.  Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
A.  Because They Have Big Fingers.

A man bought several acres of wasteland and within a year,

turned it into a thriving produce farm. The local pastor stopped

by and complimented the man on his vast progress.   Then

he added, "Wondrous things can surely happen when man

and God work together."  "Amen," said the man, "but you

should've seen the place when God was running it alone."

Q.  Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
A.  Because It Scares The Dog.

Q.  What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
A.  Sanka.

Q.  Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
A.  Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

Q.  What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A.  A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!  A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

A tourist goes to Africa and asks his tour guide while walking in the jungle, "Are we safe here? Aren't there cannibals roaming these woods?"  The guide says, "You can be sure there are no cannibals in Africa."  The tourist says, "But it's possible there may be some cannibals?"  The guide says, "No, rest assured. We ate the last one on Monday."

If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough

If OUGH can stand for O as in Dough

If PHTH can stand for T as in Phthisis

If EIGH can stand for A as in Neighbor

If TTE can stand for T as in Gazette

If EAU can stand for O as in Plateau

Then the right way to spell POTATO should be:


Things that make you go hmmmm....

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If all the world's a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

A man calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I can't come to work

today, I'm really sick. I've got a headache, stomach ache and my legs

hurt.. I can't come to work."  The boss says, "You know, I really

need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her

to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work.

You should try that."  Two hours later the man calls again: "Boss,

I did what you said and I feel great. I'll be at work soon. By the way,

you've got a nice house."

Q.  What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A.  Nudity

A C-141 cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air

Base in Greenland, and they were waiting for the truck to arrive

to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.  The aircraft

commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and

the airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting

the tank pumped out.  When the commander berated the

airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the

airman responded, "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below

zero, I'm stationed in Thule, and I'm pumping sewage out

of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"

It's time to turn off your computer when... wake up at 3 am

to go to the bathroom, but stop to check your email first.

name your children Eudora, Aol, and Dotcom. turn off your

modem and get this awful empty feeling as if you pulled the plug

on a loved-one. spend half of the plane trip with your laptop

on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.

decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for

the free internet access. laugh at people with 14.4 baud

modems. start using smileys in your snail mail (if you

even remember what that is). find yourself typing "com"

after every period when using a word r

efer to going to the bathroom as downloading. can't call

your mother...she doesn't have a modem. check your

mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again. ...

you don't know what gender your three closest friends are

because they have neutral screen-names, and you never

bothered to ask. move into a new house and decide

to netscape before you landscape.

Q.  How do you make a tissue dance?

A.  Put some boogie in it!

SUCCESS (in a nutshell)

At age 4, success is: not peeing in your pants.

At age 12, success is: having friends.

At age 20, success is: having sex.

At age 35, success is: making money.

At age 60, success is: having sex.

At age 70, success is: having friends.

At age 80, success is: not peeing in your pants.

Why Computers Sometimes Crash,  Dr. Seuss-style


If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,

and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,

then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.


If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,

and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,

then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!


If the label on the cable on the table at your house,

says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,

that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.


And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,

so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;

then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,

'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.


When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,

and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk,

the you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,

and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

Q.  What do you call a midget clairvoyant on the run from the law?

A.  A small medium at large.

Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused

because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her

personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.

But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and

tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury. 

"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil

lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because

he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel

the kitchen for her birthday."  "Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter,

"I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."

Q.  What do you call an eye doctor that lives on an island in the Bering Sea?

A.  An optical Aleutian.

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace

a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one

accompany him on his rounds so the community could become

used to a new doctor.  At the first house a woman complained,

"I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said,

"Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not

cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the

trick?"  As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine

that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"  "I

didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor

in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen

banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the

next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes

talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't

have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church,"  the

younger doctor told her. Perhaps you should cut back a

bit and see if that helps."  As they left, the elder doc said, "Your

diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?" 

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope.

When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

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