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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 17
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Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed a slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in
the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly
under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many
other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal
Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as
NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer
runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to
no avail. What can I do?
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,
while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the
command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download
Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed,
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications
Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can
cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy
Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will
create Snoringloudly.wav files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install
Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These
are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In
summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a
limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider additional software to improve memory
and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and
Lingerie 6.9. Husband 1.0 is very fond of Lingerie 6.9.
Good Luck, Tech Support
Scott and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had
to take an intelligence test. They each found the test a breeze,
except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by
the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge
of a plant." "How did you answer that last one?" asked Scott.
"I was a bit puzzled at first, but then I thought of Superintendent."
"I think I got it right too," said Pete, "but I wrote down Horticulturist."
An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing
about who'd had the tougher career. “I did 30 years in the Corps,”
the Marine declared proudly, “and fought in three of my country's
wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed
my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an
entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. “As a
sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We
pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to
the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small
arms fire. “Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive
combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and
razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes,
ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a
firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty,
then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!” “Ah,” said the Sailor
with a dismissive wave of his hand, “all shore duty, huh?”
Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject
turned to getting older. The first guy said "Women have all the
luck when it comes to getting older." "What do you mean?"
asked the second guy. "Well," replied the first. "I can barely
remember the last time I got aroused in bed, but my wife is
healthier than ever!" "Healthier? How is that?" his buddy
wondered. "Years ago, when we were younger, almost
every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches."
he answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had a
headache in years."
A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive
restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy,
then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked
pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here
and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown
into the alley like a common bum?" "I'm very sorry sir..."
began the contrite headwaiter. "Oh, it's quite all right." said
the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."
Q. Why won’t a cannibal eat people that work at Texaco?
A. They give him gas.
Having A Bad Day?
regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and
some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around
11 a.m. on Sundays. So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled
to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning,
a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait
outside the ward
part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support
system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild
amid cheers and
applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running
from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away
think you're having a bad day?
Q. What is the favorite song of electrical engineers?
A. Ohm on the Range
A woman invited some people to a dinner party. After a full day
of preparation they were all finally gathered around the
table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would
you like to say the blessing?" "I don't know what to say," the girl
replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say." The daughter
bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all
these people to dinner?"
Q. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Q. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing
and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing
department soundly. To show just "how" the marketing department earns
their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:
"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2000 Softball
Season, we came in second place, having lost but one game all year.
The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they
won only one game."
Q. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
Q.. How Do You Get Holy Water?
Q. Why did the turtle cross the road?
A. To get to the shell station
Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology". The town
fathers were not too happy with the sign and they proposed "Hysterias and Posteriors".
The Doctors didn't like that idea, and suggested "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".
The town didn't like that one either and countered with "Catatonics and High Colonics".
Thumbs down again. By now the story was in the papers and
suggestions began rolling in: "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives."
"Minds and Behinds". "Freaks and Cheeks". "Loons and Moons".
None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally settled
on "Dr Smith & Dr Jones, Odds & Ends"
Q. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Q. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
Q. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Q. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Q. What was the convenience store clerk's reaction when Satan
came in and asked for a lemon lime drink?
A. He gave the Devil his Dew.
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down
on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me
a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next
to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick,
get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is
furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight?
Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy,
drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ." The man sighs and says,
"It's started . . "
Q. How many bouncers does it take to throw someone down the stairs?
A. None! He fell. Really, he fell.
Q. What is the most dangerous part of a car?
A. The nut that holds the steering wheel.
We DID offer support in their war against Iran....
The U.N. Secretary General privately asked Secretary of State Powell
"What real proof do you have that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?"
Powell whispered, "We kept the receipts."
Q. What did the jack say to the car?
A. I know you're in a hurry so don't let me hold you up too long.
Q. What Do You Get From a Pampered
A young man was talking to a girl that he had just met, and asked her name.
"I don't want to tell you," she said, "I'm named after both of my parents,
and it's kind of embarrassing." "Well, what could be so bad about that?"
the young man asked. "My mother's name is Eliza, and my father's name
is Ferdinand." the girl answered. "Well, those are nice names" the guy
replied. "It would be if they wouldn't have named me FerdEliza!"
Q. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
Q. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Q. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Q. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
A man bought several acres of wasteland and within a year,
turned it into a thriving produce farm. The local pastor stopped
by and complimented the man on his vast progress. Then
he added, "Wondrous things can surely happen when man
and God work together." "Amen," said the man, "but you
should've seen the place when God was running it alone."
Q. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Q. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Q. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Q. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A tourist goes to Africa and asks his tour guide while walking in the jungle, "Are we safe here? Aren't there cannibals roaming these woods?" The guide says, "You can be sure there are no cannibals in Africa." The tourist says, "But it's possible there may be some cannibals?" The guide says, "No, rest assured. We ate the last one on Monday."
If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH can stand for O as in Dough
If PHTH can stand for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH can stand for A as in Neighbor
If TTE can stand for T as in Gazette
If EAU can stand for O as in Plateau
Then the right way to spell POTATO should be:
Things that make you go hmmmm....
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If all the world's a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
A man calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I can't come to work
today, I'm really sick. I've got a headache, stomach ache and my legs
hurt.. I can't come to work." The boss says, "You know, I really
need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her
to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work.
You should try that." Two hours later the man calls again: "Boss,
I did what you said and I feel great. I'll be at work soon. By the way,
you've got a nice house."
Q. What's the
best form of birth control after 50?
A C-141 cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air
Base in Greenland, and they were waiting for the truck to arrive
to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The aircraft
commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and
the airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting
the tank pumped out. When the commander berated the
airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the
airman responded, "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below
zero, I'm stationed in Thule, and I'm pumping sewage out
of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"
It's time to turn off your computer when... ...you wake up at 3 am
to go to the bathroom, but stop to check your email first. ...you
name your children Eudora, Aol, and Dotcom. ...you turn off your
modem and get this awful empty feeling as if you pulled the plug
on a loved-one. ...you spend half of the plane trip with your laptop
on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment. ...you
decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for
the free internet access. ...you laugh at people with 14.4 baud
modems. ...you start using smileys in your snail mail (if you
even remember what that is). ...you find yourself typing "com"
after every period when using a word processor.com ...you r
efer to going to the bathroom as downloading. ...you can't call
your mother...she doesn't have a modem. ...you check your
mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again. ...
you don't know what gender your three closest friends are
because they have neutral screen-names, and you never
bothered to ask. ...you move into a new house and decide
to netscape before you landscape.
Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put some boogie in it!
SUCCESS (in a nutshell)
At age 4, success is: not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is: having friends.
At age 20, success is: having sex.
At age 35, success is: making money.
At age 60, success is: having sex.
At age 70, success is: having friends.
At age 80, success is: not peeing in your pants.
Why Computers Sometimes Crash, Dr. Seuss-style
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.
When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk,
the you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
Q. What do you call a midget clairvoyant on the run from the law?
A. A small medium at large.
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused
because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her
personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.
But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and
tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil
lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because
he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel
the kitchen for her birthday." "Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter,
"I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
Q. What do you call an eye doctor that lives on an island in the Bering Sea?
A. An optical Aleutian.
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace
a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one
accompany him on his rounds so the community could become
used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained,
"I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said,
"Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not
cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the
trick?" As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine
that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I
didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor
in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen
banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the
next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes
talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't
have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the
younger doctor told her. Perhaps you should cut back a
bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doc said, "Your
diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope.
When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
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