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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 3


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Page 23

Page 24 Lists Page
Attorney Jokes Blonde Jokes Holiday Jokes Lists Page


Submit your joke here

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the
man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to
another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved
again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move,
the man burst out laughing, She complained to the driver and he
had the man arrested for harassment. The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady
got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat
under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and
I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's
Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to smile. Then she placed
herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and
I could hardly contain myself. BUT your Honor, when she moved the
fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could
have prevented this Accident...I just lost it."


Q.  What did the necktie say to the hat?
A.  You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St.
Peter is reading through the Book to see if the guy's name there.
After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow,
and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" the man asks. "I get a download
every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?" "I'm
embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It
was not until my death was certain that I cried out to God, so my
name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet." "I'm glad to hear that,"
Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through,
can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm., well there was this
one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of bikers
harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they
were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor lady. Infuriated, I got out my
car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader
of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-5, 280 pounds, with a studded
leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I
walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and
told me to get lost or I'd be next. "So I ripped the leader's chain out
of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this
poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged
animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"
St. Peter, truly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"Oh, about three minutes ago."

Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks

One day a priest was visiting a nearby convent. He 

found 3 nuns there who had NEVER sinned. He said 

to them, "My children, because you are so righteous 

but will end up committing a sin at some point anyway 

I promise you: you may commit any venial sin you want 

and then I will absolve you, I will even let you drink the 

holy water!" After their conversation the nuns left. A few 

days later he saw the nuns in line for confession. Once 

in the confessional Sister Margaret Mary admitted to 

stealing candy from a baby. He absolved her and sent 

her to go drink the holy water. Then in came Sister Mary 

Margaret, "Father, I have skipped my evening prayers 

so I could go walking." He absolved her and sent her 

to drink the holy water. The 3rd nun came in and was 

laughing so hard she couldn't speak. The priest told 

her to come back the next day. The next day all she 

could say was, "I-I-I..." Finally on the 3rd day she was 

able to speak. At first all she could do was giggle though. 

Then she began, "Father, I-I-I" she then spoke so fast 

he couldn't understand her, followed by a chuckle." What, 

Sister Yolanda?"   "I peed in the holy water"

Q. In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?

A. Naked and screaming like the rest of us.

A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner 

grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent.  The 

grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked 

the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.  "No laundry" 

the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."  "But you 

shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful 

and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, 

it might even kill him."  But the boy was not to be stopped 

and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, 

even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing 

his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the 

store to buy some candy.  The grocer asked the boy 

how his dog was doing.  "Oh, he died," the boy said.  

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he 

was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you 

not to use that detergent on your dog."  The boy 

replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."  

"Oh, what was it then?"  "I think it was the spin cycle!"

A psychiatrist is doing rounds in his asylum with a couple of
students. They look in on one patient and the psychiatrist says
to his students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress
in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose
stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Nazi
Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?"
The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with
a multiple personality disorder?" The second student says, "No,
I think he just doesn't know whether he's Carmen or Goering."

Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of
the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one
consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift
in the church paper. "Gladly," responded the good man. When
the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder
turned at once to the "appreciation" column. There he read:
"The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift
of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was
softly sobbing. "Why are you crying?" asked the little boy. "I'm
here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry. "Why are you
crying?" asked the girl. The boy looked at her worriedly and said,
"I'm here for a urine test."

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman pinscher

and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street,

the guy with the Doberman said, "Let's go over to that restaurant and

get something to eat."  The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go

in there. We've got dogs with us."  The one with the Doberman said,

"Just follow my lead." They walked over to the restaurant and the guy

with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. 

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."  The man

with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.

 And, by law you are not allowed to discriminate against the handicapped." 

The bouncer said, "Yes you are right, but a Doberman pinscher?"  The

man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer let him in.  His buddy with the Chihuahua put on his pair of dark

glasses and started to walk in.  Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal,

no pets allowed."  The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand.

This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"  The man e

xclaimed, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper.
The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White
Cloud. "White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper,"
says the Indian. "How much is it?" "$1.00 a roll," the clerk
replies. "That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian.
"What about the others?" "Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no
name is 50 cents a roll." The Indian doesn't have much money,
so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at
the trading post. "I have a name for the no name toilet paper,"
he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."
"Why?" asks the confused clerk. "Cause it's rough and it's
tough and it don't take no crap off an Indian."

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side
of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn
yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold
up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone you religious
nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the
curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you
think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a
sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious
argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came
crawling to me on her hands and knees." "What did she say?" asked
the friend. The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that
bed, you coward!'"

Q: What has 4 legs and 1 arm?


A: A happy pit bull!!

Q.  What do you get if you cross an electric eel with a sponge?


A.  A shock absorber

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was
found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse,
she commented, "Hmmm . . . that's funny. When I lost my bag there
was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly
replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she
didn't have any change for a reward."

So a man walks into a pub and says, "Can I have an
entendre, please?" "Of course, sir," the bartender replies,
"and would that be a single or a double?" "Oh, make it a double."
"I see yours is a large one then, sir!" (You'll get this later, and you'll LAAAAUGH!!!)

A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just
going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect
timing. You're just like Vince." "Who?" "Vince Sabio. There's
a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when
you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Vince
every single time."  "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Vince. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro
tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star." "He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday.
He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him." "Well, I never actually met Vince."
"Then how do you know so much about him?" "I married his widow."

A New Yorker was being shown around the back country of Louisiana
by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry
a flashlight?" he asked. The cousin smirked, "Depends on how fast ya carry it."

After the college boy delivered the pizza to Dave's house, Dave
asked: "What is the usual tip?" "Well," replied the youth, "this
is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out
of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Dave. "Well,
just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"What are you studying?" asked Dave. The lad smiled and
said: "Applied psychology."

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back
together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent
her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you,
both beat. You known how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she
can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire
Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to
pledge to contribute $l00,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it.
Mom just has to name the chapter and verse,and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote
the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I
have to clean the whole house." time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the
driver is so rude! "Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the
only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken
was delicious."

An American businessman in Glasgow walked into a restaurant
and asked the waitress what the special was. "Roast and rice," the
Scottish miss replied in a heavy brogue. "You certainly do roll
your R's," the businessman observed. "I suppose," she giggled,
beginning to blush, "but only when I wear high heels."

Q: What did one casket say to the other casket?
A: Is that you coffin?

There was a nun whose worn out body began to surrender.
Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times
a day to relax her. Not to be lured into "worldly pleasures",
she huffily declined. But the Mother Superior knew the elderly
sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the
milk three times a day. After a few more years, even that
spiked milk couldn't help and the aged sister approached
her final hour. As several nuns gathered around her at her
bedside, the Mother Superior asked if she wanted to leave
them with any words of wisdom.

"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an
Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo- Irish accords.
The crowd is huge, in the thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness, can't
help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little
wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal- gloved wave
elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd.
Gradually the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone
by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what
he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that
was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY
hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy?
Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects,
but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this
day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they
to their descendants." The Queen seriously doubts this, and says
so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice
forever? Show me."

So the Pope slaps her.

Q. What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A. A fsh.

It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man
seated in front of me. "What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

A news item this morning was about a local coal miner. It seems
that his favorite hobby was painting, but since he couldn't afford
to buy canvasses he simply painted on the walls of his small
cottage. Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage
earlier this week and defaced his paintings. Yesterday the
young miscreants were charged in court with................

"corrupting the murals of a miner."

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and
diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized
she needed an in-house counsel. So she began interviewing young
lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one
of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity
must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are
you an *honest* lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me
tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father
lent me $15,000 for my education and I paid back every penny the
minute I concluded my very first case." And what was your first case?"
asked the investment counselor.  The lawyer squirmed in his
seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman
"Give me six double vodkas." The barman says "Wow!
you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found
out my older brother is gay." The next day, the same guy
came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the
bartender asked what the problem was today the answer
came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is
gay too!" On the third day, the guy came into the bar and

ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said
"Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women? The
man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

Q: What is the difference between broccoli and boogers?

A: Kids won't eat broccoli.

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so
bad, I couldn't see where the ball went." "You're seventy-five
years old, Jack!" admonished his wife. "Why don't you take
my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't
even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "Yes, but he's got
perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for you," Tracy pointed
out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung
and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Did
you see where it went?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand,
the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little
red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

When you write copy, you have the right to copyright the copy
you write, if the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over,
you must right your copy. If you write religious services
you write rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write.
Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to
copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would
write right rite, and has the right to copyright the right
rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making
the right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.
Should Thom Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright
would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright.
Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate
copyright, which Wright would have the right to right.


Truly Bad (Good) Puns
1) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.

Thus, we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
2) A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.
You'll just have to be a little patient."
3) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of
seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go
out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions
asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over
them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting
gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
4) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted
to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for
pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west.
It turned out that although their watches were of
finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended
up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the
origin of the expression, "He, who has a Tates, is lost!"
5) A thief broke into the local police station stole all the lavatory
equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
6) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long,
thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off,
chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month,
the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.
The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
7) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to
the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must
have taken Leif off my census."
8) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One
slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to
prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the
squaws of the other two hides.
9) By the way, I know the guy who wrote these nine puns. He entered
them and one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he
couldn't lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really
hoping one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten
did !

Q:Why did the three little pigs leave home?

A:Their father was an awful boar.

A minister was walking in front of his church when he heard his
five-year old son and playmates 'round back. He walked back
there and noticed the boys had found a dead bird. Feeling a
proper burial was in order, they had secured a small box and
some cotton batting, then dug a whole, and were now standing
around the "grave." The minister's son was chosen to say the
appropriate prayers, of course. With sonorous dignity the little
boy intoned HIS version of what he thought his father always said:

"Glory to be unto the Faaaaather, and unto the Sonnnn . . . and into the hole he goes!"

Q: What do you call a bear with violent mood swings?

A: bi-polar bear

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came
upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the
curator of a prestigious natural history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of
heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You
were right about the mummy's age and cause of death.
How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said,
'10,000 shekels on Goliath'."

Q: What type of vehicle is used to deliver Chinese food?
A: A Wonton truck.

Q: How do you cure water on the brain?
A: With a tap on the head.

Copyright 1998 - 2011 by The Coburn Group, Sierra Madre. All logos, trademarks or product names mentioned or displayed herein are the property of their respective owners. All photographs and videos on this site Copyright 1998 - 2011, by Bill Coburn, Sierra Madre, CA unless otherwise noted Any reference to the City of Sierra Madre or Sierra Madre applies to the community of Sierra Madre and not the city government. The City of Sierra Madre, California government is not affiliated with Sierra Madre News.Net at this time. Any city government information provided herein has been previously published for public dissemination and is shown here as a public service of Sierra Madre News.Net without explicit permission of the government of the City of Sierra Madre.