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Me Pages - Holiday Joke Archive
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Q. What do Vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
A. Auld FANG Syne!
RESOLUTIONS FOR INTERNET JUNKIES....
TOP TWELVE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS MADE BY PETS
Annette: "Hey - Did you hear about the big New Year's party on the moon?"
Antoine: "Yeah - it's got a great buffet, but no atmosphere!
As we all start a new year, it is time again to make those ever so important New Year's Resolutions. I have faithfully made such resolutions in the past, and while I haven't been able to keep all of them, I have tried my best to continue making progress on them year after year.
Following is my revised list of "New Year's Resolutions - 2003 Edition":
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP
'Twas the Month After Christmas
month after Christmas, and all through the house
New Year Resolutions
... New Year's Party Tips for
the Moderation Challenged:
Q. Why do valentines have hearts on them?
Q. What did the
boy light bulb say to the girl light bulb on Valentine's Day?
Q. Why didn't
Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart?
Q. What do you
call a very small valentine?
Q. What did the
boy octopus say to the girl octopus on Valentine's Day?
Q. What do you
call a cartoon that only shows up on Valentine's Day?
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding
man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on
bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a
perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity
getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks
him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine
cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a
divorce lawyer," the man replies.
What did the caveman give his wife on
Why should you send your sweetie a
What did the French chef give his wife for
Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up,
she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl
necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came
home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted,
she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
I remember one Valentine's Day I had to be away on a business trip
I wired flowers for my lovely wife, but she found the fuse.
What would you get if you crossed a dog with
a valentine card?
What's red and white and swims in the ocean?
Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a
Q: Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?
Things not to say on your Valentine's date...
Q: What do squirrels
give for Valentine's Day?
Q: What did the letter
say to the stamp?
Q: What is a vampire's
Q: Why did the banana
go out with the prune?
Q: What is a ram's
I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's
Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a
short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
St. Patrick's Day Jokes
What do you do if your chocolate eggs mysteriously disappear?
was driving along the highway, and saw the Easter rabbit hopping across the
middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately
the Easter rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The basket of eggs
went flying all over the place, candy too. The driver, being a sensitive man
as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to
see what had become of the rabbit carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the
colorful rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman
driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled
over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel
terrible!" he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter rabbit and killed it.
Kids will be so disappointed. What should I do?" The woman told the man not to
worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray
can. She walked over to the dead, limp rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the
can onto the furry animal. Miraculously the Easter rabbit came to life, jumped
up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and
hopped down the road. 50 yards away the Easter rabbit stopped turned around,
waved and hopped down the road. Another 50 yards down, he turned, waved and
hopped another 50 yards. And waved again!!!! The man was astonished. He
couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran
over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on
the Easter rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read
the label. It said:
A man was coming out of church one
Easter morning, and the preacher
by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said, "You need to join the
Army of the Lord!" The man said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord,
Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at
Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service!"
What's big and purple and hugs your Easter basket?
Q. What do Easter Bunny helpers get for
making a basket?
Q. What's invisible and smells like
Q. Why did the Easter Bunny hide his
Three blondes died in a car crash trying
to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells
them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious
question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?
Q. What do you get when you pour
hot water down a rabbit hole?
Q. What do you get when you cross
a bunny with a spider?
Q. What did the bunny say when he
only had thistles to eat?
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite state capital?
What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with a famous French
Who is the Easter Bunny's favourite movie actor?
Why the Easter Bunny brings eggs.
10. Big A** Tax Write-off
Q. Who delivers Easter treats to all the fish
in the sea?
Q. What did the grey rabbit say to
the blue rabbit?
Q. Why is a bunny the luckiest
animal in the world?
Twas the day before Easter and all through the woods,
The bunnies were busy packing their goods.
The eggs were all colored so pretty and bright,
All things were "go" for the big , special night.
The baskets were waiting, all decorated with care,
In hopes that the Bunny soon would be there.
My little brother Sam was asleep in his bed,
While visions of Easter eggs rolled round his head.
And I in my pajamas with the cat on my lap,
I had just settled down for a quick little nap.
When outside the window I heard a great noise,
I sprang from my chair and jumped over some toys.
As quick as a flash to the window I flew,
I pulled up the shade and , OH, what a view.
The moon on the meadow cast a bright golden glow
And the wind blew the flowers to and then fro.
Then all of a sudden from out of nowhere,
Came some lively bunnies, hopping here, hopping there!
Leading the group with ears long and funny
Was a plump , all-white rabbit... That's right, the EASTER BUNNY!
The bunnies hopped past, one, two , three, four,
The rabbit called out and then there were more.
"Come, Peter!, Come,Flopsy!, Come, Benny!, Come, Joe!
Now hop along! Hop along! Hop along! GO!"
So up on each doorstep the bunnies did hop,
With baskets of eggs. (Let's hope they don't drop)!
Just at that moment, on the porch down below,
Came the stomping of feet 'Twas the rabbit I know!
As I stepped from my window I heard a loud sound.
Through the door came the rabbit with a leap and a bound.
He was furry and soft from his head to his feet.
To see him so close was really quite neat.
He was surrounded by eggs that had been carefully dyed.
Easter eggs galore he soon would hide.
His eyes were all twinkles, His nose was so pink,
And I can't be too sure but I think he did wink.
He had a kind face and a big fluffy tail
That bobbed up and down like a boat with a sail.
A twitch of his nose and a flick of his ear
Was his way of saying "You've nothing to fear."
He uttered no sound as he hopped all about,
Hiding the eggs and leaving no doubt.
That the Easter bunny had come like he does every year...
Bringing baskets of happiness to children so dear.
Q. How do you post a bunny?
Q. What is the difference between
a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote?
How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself?
What's red and blue and sogs up your Easter basket?
How does the Easter Bunny paint all of those eggs?
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?
How do you catch the Easter Bunny?
It cannot be found in the scriptures, but one story has it that
upon his resurrection, the Lord appeared to a certain fisherman.
"I am Jesus - My death has saved all who do or will believe, and
I am returned to show the Father's love and power. "No, you're not
Jesus, so bug off, you're scaring all the fish," answered the old
fisherman. "I see thou are full of doubt. What would thee have me
do to show who I am?" "Walk across the river," he tells Jesus.
So Jesus starts walking across the river. Next thing, he sinks and
disappears under the water. After he swims back to shore, the old
man says to him, "There you are, see, you're not Jesus, you can't
walk across water" Jesus responds, "Well, I used to be able to do
it until I got these darned holes in my feet!"
Q. What do you get when you cross
a bunny with a leek?
Q. What does a bunny use when it
How is the Easter Bunny like Shaquille O'Neal?
One day an old Catholic Priest was dying. He sent a message
for a doctor & lawyer, both members of his congregation, to
come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up
to his bedroom. As they entered the room, he held out his
hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of his bed.
Then he grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, and smiled.
For a long time no one said anything. Both the doctor and
lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would
want them with him during his final moments. He had never
given them any indication that he particularly liked either of
them. His sermons in the past about greed and various other
behavior had made them squirm in their seats many a time.
Finally the doctor asked, "Preacher, why did you ask us to
come and see you at this time?" The old man mustered up
some strength, and then said weakly, "Jesus died between
2 thieves... and that's how I wanted to go."
Q. What did the bunny want to do
when he grew up?
Q. What goes ha-ha-clunk?
Q. How do you make a rabbit stew?
4th of July/Patriotic Jokes
What would you
get if you crossed the first signer of the
has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
What did Paul
Revere say at the end of his ride?
by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
as a result of the Stamp Act?
Why did Paul
Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Why did the
British cross the Atlantic?
What do you
call a parade of German mercenaries?
What would you
get if you crossed a patriot with a small
Did you hear
the one about the Liberty Bell?
What would you
get if you crossed George Washington
What did one
flag say to the other flag?
white, blue, and gross?
white, black and blue?
What kind of
tea did the American colonists thirst for?
What was General
Washington's favorite tree?
told the most jokes?
What would you get if you crossed Washington's home
Top 9 signs you're too old for Trick or Treating:
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the
4. You get winded from knocking on the door.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your
2. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
kind of fruit does dracula like?
kind of shoes do baby ghosts wear?
witches does it take to change a light bulb?
one vampire say to the other as they were passing the morgue?
some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he
realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played
backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to
return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music
has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous
piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a
music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is
playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are
being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th,
then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a
throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second
Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker
ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an
explanation for the music. "Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the
caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"
u tell if a vampire has a cold?
can't mummies go on vacation?
goes "Ha-ha-ha-ha!", thud?
didn't the skeleton cross the road?
vampires invite each other out for lunch?
the witches cancel their baseball game?
you call a man who lures women into his place and turns them into ghastly
skeletons say before eating?
the difference between a mummy and an Indian?
the vampire get fired from the blood bank?
kind of clothes do zombies wear?
aren’t there more famous skeletons?
kind of music do mummies listen to?
Dracula move to England?
cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket with pecans
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, and one for me. One for you, one for me," said one
boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he
passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it
was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and the Lord dividing the
souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up souls."
When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing
fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. "
the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet
were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the
wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a
glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And
one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the
fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to
town 5 minutes before the boy.
Q: What do goblins and ghosts drink when they are thirsty on Halloween?
A: Ghoul aid.
A man was walking home one Halloween night when he heard "Bump! Bump!
Bump!" He looked back and saw an upright casket banging down
the street. Terrified, the man ran toward his home, the casket
pursuing him. He opened his door and locked it behind him.
The casket crashed through the door, with its lid clapping.
The man rushed to the bathroom and locked the door. He heard
the casket coming. Bump! Bump! Bump! It crashed through the
door! Desperate, the man hurled a bottle of Robitussin against
the casket. It worked! The coffin stopped!
Q: What do ghosts say when something is really neat?
Q: Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
A: He did not have a haunting license.
Q. What is the best thing about a hotel for witches?
A. It has great broom service
Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
A: He is mist.
Q. What do you call a guy turned on by a witch?
A. Scared stiff.
Q. How do ghosts begin letters?
A. Tomb it may concern
Q: Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
A: Because he is always a goblin.
Q: Where do most ghosts live?
A: In North and South Scarolinas.
Q: Why did Dracula break up with his sweetie?
A: She wasn't his blood type.
Q: What kind of car does Dracula drive?
A: The bloodmobile.
Q: What does Dracula get when he doesn't brush his teeth
A: Bat breath.
Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road??
A: To get to the body shop!
Q: What does a ghost eat for breakfast??
A: Scream of wheat!
Q. Why did Dracula flunk art class?
A. Because he could only draw blood!
Q: What is a ghost's favorite pie??
A: Boo Berry!!
Q: Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school??
A: Because his heart wasn't in it.
Q: What did the wicked chicken lay?
A: Deviled eggs.
Q: What do goblins mail home while on vacation?
Why does a Pilgrim's pants always fall down?
Q. What do you get if you divide the circumference
of a pumpkin by its diameter?
industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with
leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for
everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was
relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general
store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that
6 legs!" They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
Why did Johnny always get such bad grades after Thanksgiving?
Because everything's marked down after the holidays.
We had a lovely
Thanksgiving dinner this year: turkey with all the
Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian
said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this
turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my
guilt?" "Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must
return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what
should I do?" "If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to
keep it for your family." Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his
residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that
someone had stolen his turkey.
Q: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
Q: What did the widowed mother turkey say to her
Q. If the pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
A. Their age.
Thanks to Erin for this one....
Q. What side of the turkey has the most feathers?
A. The outside.
Q. How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?
A. One, but you really have to squeeze him in!
Q. What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
A. Enough drumsticks for the whole family!!
Q. What happened to the pilgrim when an Indian shot at him?
A. He had an arrow escape.
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session
when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players
gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and
demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught
pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the
turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!!
Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the
season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
Q. If the
Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Q. Why can't you take a turkey to church?
Q. Can a turkey
jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Q. Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A. It was a matter of low elf-esteem.
A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to
Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good
boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then
crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a
new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have
been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He
again looks at it with disgust and throws it away. He then gets
an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the
Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes
another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever
want to see your mother again..."
Q. How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A. Fleece Navidad.
Q. What does a cat on the beach have in common with Christmas?
A. Sandy Claws.
Q. What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?
A. Crisp Cringle.
is a Woman
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating, musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped onto the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
* Men can't pack
I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men... Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone-screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. However, as long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy.
Christmas is the time of year when everyone gets all Santamental.
Q. Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A. So he can hoe, hoe, hoe.
Q. What do elfs learn in school?
A. The elf-abet.
Q. What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A. It's Christmas, Eve.
Psychological Christmas Songs
SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are...
DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and
Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Spare No Expense!
PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry,
I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell....
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True
Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
Q. What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
A. The Christmas alphabet has no L.
Signs You Are Broke After Christmas:
1. American Express calls and says; "Definitely leave home
2. Your idea of a 7 course meal is taking a deep breath
outside a restaurant.
3. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
4. You give blood everyday, just for the orange juice.
5. You finally clean your house, hoping to find loose change.
6. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
7. Sally Struthers sends you food.
8. You go back for seconds at communion.
9. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic
bond with Abe Lincoln.
10. You rob Peter and then you rob Paul.
Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
12 politically correct days of Christmas
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter
festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, mono-
gamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made
up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union
as called for in their union contract even though they will
not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the
patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing
milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wet-
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Q. What do reindeer say before telling
you a joke ?
Q. What did the guest sing at the
Eskimo's Christmas party ?
Q. What do elves make sandwiches with?
Q. Why don't Prancer and Dancer and the
other reindeer overtake Rudolph?
Storefront Christmas Signs...
Q. What do you have in December
that you don't have in any other month?
Q. What do reindeer have that no
other animals on earth have?
Q. What do you get if you cross Father
Christmas with a detective ?
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and
Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just
before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the
floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the
other two don't exist!
Q. Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the
Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
10. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners!
9. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.
8. Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.
7. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler.
6. I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear?
5. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.
4. I can get you off Santa's naughty list.
3. I was once a lawn ornament for 'NSync. Want to meet them?
2. Just because I've got bells on my shoes, doesn't mean I'm a sissy.
1. "I'm down here"
Thanks to Joe in Upland for these:
Name that Christmas Carol........for instance, the following: "Bleached Yule"
would be, "White Christmas"
1) Our Monarchial Triad
2) The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals
3) Minuscule Hamlet In The Near East
4) Listen, Aerial Sprites Vocalize Musically
5) Cherubim Providing Audio Input to Us From Aloft
6) Assemble, Everyone Who Loyally Believes
7) Vertically Challenged Adolescent Percussionist
8) Bipedal Traveling Through An Amazing Acreage During the Period Between December 21st and March 21st In The Northern Hemisphere
9) Allow Crystalline Formations To Descend in Triplicate
10) Omnipotent Supreme Being Elicit Respite To Ecstatic Distinguished Males
1) We Three Kings
2) The Twelve Days of Christmas
3) Oh Little Town of Bethlehem
4) Hark the Herald Angels Sing
5) Angels We Have Heard on High
6) O' Come All Ye Faithful
7) Little Drummer Boy
8) Walking in a Winter Wonderland
9) Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow
10) God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
Q. How many reindeer does
Q. What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A. Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
Q. Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A. Because it soots him.
Q. What can Santa give away and still keep?
A. A cold.
Q. Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A. Because every buck is dear to him.
Employees From: Management
One particular Christmas a long time
ago, Santa was getting ready for
A Russian couple was walking down the
street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
Memo from Santa
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American
Fairies and Elves. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
Wisconsin, and Michigan.
NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa
Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference
held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the
In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to
Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In
addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households
through the Santa Sleigh. The announcement also included a
notice that beginning Jan 1, 1997, Christmas and the Reindeer
names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This move was
facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court.
Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas
great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and
Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the
guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween,
will be very strict. When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates
replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient
delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but
recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits.
We'll use it first for the release of Windows97 and Office
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a
seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the
deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft
logo, and a new Christmas 96 trademark, leading into the
announcement of the first product from the deal.
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The
first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft
organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any
changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next
year, when we release Christmas
96. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further
elaborated that "Windows95 users who sign up with MS Network
will get previews of Christmas 96 as early as November first."
Christmas 96 is scheduled for release in December of 1996,
though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to
the end of the year and may slip into the first half of
1997. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would
be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax
revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for
filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas,
whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he
explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it
move to May or June, which are much slower months for
retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates
explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we
wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale,
and the remaining will have to show a good long term business,"
suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending
final FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal
was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some
analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and
is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round
products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is
looking to retire in Redmond.
A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be
reached for comment.
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all
Who's there ?
Wayne who ?
Wayne in a manger... !
Who's there ?
Donut who ?
Donut open till Christmas !
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