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New Year's Jokes

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New Year's Jokes


Q.  What do Vampires sing on New Year's Eve?

A.  Auld FANG Syne!


  • I will try to figure out why I "really" need 12 e-mail addresses.

  • I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). A phone call every now and then would be appreciated

  • I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.

  • I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

  • I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

  • I resolve to back up my 100GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe... at least once a year

  • I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet - This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.

  • I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then.

  • When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

  • I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

  • I will think of a password other than "password."

  • I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!


12. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
11. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
10. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
9. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
8. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
7. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
6. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my ass.
5. Always scoot before licking.
4. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
3. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.
2. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

Annette: "Hey - Did you hear about the big New Year's party on the moon?"

Antoine: "Yeah - it's got a great buffet, but no atmosphere!

As we all start a new year, it is time again to make those ever so important New Year's Resolutions. I have faithfully made such resolutions in the past, and while I haven't been able to keep all of them, I have tried my best to continue making progress on them year after year.

Following is my revised list of "New Year's Resolutions - 2003 Edition":

Resolution #1
2000: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2001: I will not leave Marge.
2002: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2003: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.
Resolution #2
2000: I will stop looking at other women.
2001: I will not get involved with Wanda.
2002: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
2003: I will stop looking at other women.
Resolution #3
2000: I will not let my boss push me around.
2001: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2002: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2003: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.
Resolution #4
2000: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2001: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2002: I will read 5 books a year.
2003: I will finish Airport.
Resolution #5
2000: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my baldness.
2001: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee.
2002: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle.
2003: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam.
Resolution #6
2000: I will get my weight down below 180.
2001: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2002: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2003: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
Resolution #7
2000: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2001: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2002: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2003: I will not miss any AA meetings.
Resolution #8
2000: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2001: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2002: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2003: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1998.
Resolution #9
2000: I will see my dentist this year.
2001: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2002: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2003: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.
Resolution #10
2000: I will go to church every Sunday.
2001: I will go to church as often as possible.
2002: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2003: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.


Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Not have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
22. Not eat cloned meat.
23. Create loose ends.
24. Get more toys.
25. Get further in debt.
26. Not believe politicians.
27. Break at least one traffic law.
28. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
29. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
31. Stay off the MIR space station.
32. Not worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.
33. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
34. Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.
35. Associate with even worse business clients.
36. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
37. Wait around for opportunity.
38. Focus on the faults of others.
39. Mope about my faults.
40. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

'Twas the Month After Christmas

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

New Year Resolutions
That You Might Actually Be Able to Keep

  • I promise not to use Prune Juice for his Pancake syrup on Football Sunday.

  • I resolve never to tell my husband "I told you so" for the first three days of the new year.

  • I resolve never to embarrass my husband by wearing "cheap" jewelry and clothes.

  • I resolve never to work in the kitchen so I can look my best when he comes home.

  • I shall not laugh (out loud) at all the "how great it was fishing / hunting stories" this coming season.

  • I vow not to "play in his garage" whenever he offers to help "whip up something for supper."

  •  resolve never to take the dog for a walk because he is a man's best friend.

  • I resolve never to give the cats a bath because my hubby needs to be scratched.

  • I shall not repeat (more than twice) "I told you so" when he trips over his untied shoe laces.

...  New Year's Party Tips for the Moderation Challenged:

10) Once your pantyhose have a big "Easy Access" hole in the upper thigh, just take 'em off already. You're not fooling anyone there, classy-chick.

9) The president of your company does NOT want to know how YOU think things are REALLY going. Cause you know what? If anyone really cared, YOU would be president. So just move along, smarty-pants.

8) Eat any and all cheese products you are offered throughout the evening. It works. I don't know why, but it does. I choose not to look that particular gift horse in the mouth. Just stick to the cheese and be grateful.

7) Arrive at the party assuming you are going to be put in a cab and sent home. Translation: know your address, or at least have it written down somewhere. And for god's sake, hang on to some cab fare.

6) Nothing says class like a woman double fisting Bud from the bottle. (Use a glass, just this once.)

5) If your party is open bar all evening long, you've hit BONANZA. Pace yourself, or you'll be bummed in the morning when you realize you were sent home in time to watch Jeopardy.  If your party is open bar only for an hour, offer to help "organize" so you can get there early and hoard alcohol for yourself and your friends.  If your party is cash bar only, consider quitting now. It's only December 31st - you can get a new job at a company that will at least pick up the friggin' bar tab for an hour. Jeez - it's New Years. Tight-asses!

4) Stay a drink or two behind anyone you really don't like. Think of the hours and hours of fun and excitement you will have talking about what a drunken fool they were at the party the next day! (Oh...sure, I had 10 beers, but you'd think SHE'D at least slow down after number 11... duh?!?)

3) If you've fallen down more than once, and you still want to keep your job, thanks for playing, we have some nice parting gifts for you. Bye bye. Check yourself out before someone has to check you in to the emergency room. (Note: Stumbling is perfectly legal.)

2) Your body, especially your hands, do not belong anywhere within 6 inches of your boss's body. Not for any reason, period. If you find your hands in need of something to do, get another drink for crying out loud. Or wait till you get home, Spanky.

1) Just because you can't see others while you're hooking up with your intern on the dance floor doesn't mean others can't see YOU.

Valentine's Day Jokes

Q. Why do valentines have hearts on them?
A. Because spleens would look pretty gross!

Q. What did the boy light bulb say to the girl light bulb on Valentine's Day?
A. I wuv you watts and watts!

Q. Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart?
A. Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small!

Q. What do you call a very small valentine?
A. A valentiny!

Q. What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus on Valentine's Day?
A. I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!

Q. What do you call a cartoon that only shows up on Valentine's Day?
A. A Valentoon!

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding

man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on

bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a

perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.  His curiosity

getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks

him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine

cards signed, 'Guess who?'"  "But why?" asks the man.  "I'm a

divorce lawyer," the man replies.

What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
Ughs and kisses!

Why should you send your sweetie a valentine?
Because you always heart the one you love!

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up,

she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl

necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" 

"You'll know tonight." he said.  That evening, the man came

home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted,

she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

I remember one Valentine's Day I had to be away on a business trip

I wired flowers for my lovely wife, but she found the fuse.

What would you get if you crossed a dog with a valentine card?
A card that says, "I love you drool-ly!"

What's red and white and swims in the ocean?
A valentine cod!

Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration?
Because you can really party hearty!

Q: Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?
A: Because it's all heart.

Things not to say on your Valentine's date...
13. Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?
12. I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
11. No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin.
10. I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
9. People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.
8. I used to come here all the time with my ex.
7. I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
6. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
5. I like clay. It's mushy.
4. I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
3. And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.
2. I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.
1. It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What did the letter say to the stamp?
A: You send me.

Q: What is a vampire's sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn't get a date.

Q: What is a ram's favorite song?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, Dear

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's

Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a

short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

St. Patrick's Day Jokes

Please visit our Irish page for the St. Patrick's jokes

Easter Jokes

Q.  What do you do if your chocolate eggs mysteriously disappear?
A.  You look for an eggsplanation!

A man was driving along the highway, and saw the Easter rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the Easter rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place, candy too.  The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit carrying the basket.  Much to his dismay, the colorful rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible!" he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter rabbit and killed it.  Kids will be so disappointed. What should I do?" The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the dead, limp rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the furry animal. Miraculously the Easter rabbit came to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the Easter rabbit stopped turned around, waved and hopped down the road. Another 50 yards down, he turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards.  And waved again!!!! The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on the Easter rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.  It said:

"Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

A man was coming out of church one Easter morning, and the preacher
was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed the man

by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said, "You need to join the

Army of the Lord!"  The man said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord,

Pastor."  Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at

Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service!"

Q.  What's big and purple and hugs your Easter basket?
A.  The Easter Barney!

Q. What do Easter Bunny helpers get for making a basket?
A. Two points, just like anyone else.

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Candy who?
Candy Easter Bunny carry all dose treats in one basket?

Q. What's invisible and smells like carrots?
A. The Ether Bunny

Q. Why did the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
A. He doesn't want the other bunnies to know that he was fooling around with the chickens

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..." "Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.  He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."  St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven.  He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"? The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St Peter smiled broadly with delight. The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

Q.  What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A.  A Hot Cross bunny.

Q.  What do you get when you cross a bunny with a spider?
A.  A harenet.

Q.  What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat?
A.  Thistle have to do!

Q.  What is the Easter Bunny's favorite state capital?
A.  Albunny, New York!

Q.  What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with a famous French general?
A.  Napoleon Bunnyparte!

Q.  Who is the Easter Bunny's favourite movie actor?
A.  Rabbit De Niro!

Why the Easter Bunny brings eggs.

10. Big A** Tax Write-off
9. Who ever heard of Easter Bricks?
8. Consider all of the varieties: scrambled, over easy, hard boiled
7. He gets a good deal from the local chickens
6. Secret plan to eliminate human race by cholesterol overdose
5. Pressure from the Egg Marketing Board
4. Because if it brought bottle rockets it would be the Independence Bunny
3. Would you want to hunt for waffles?
2. He thinks guys should get chicks at least once a year
1. Because the Energizer rabbit got the good job.

Q.  Who delivers Easter treats to all the fish in the sea?
A.  The Oyster Bunny!

Q.  What did the grey rabbit say to the blue rabbit?
A.  Cheer up!

Q.  Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?
A.  It has 4 rabbits' feet.

'Twas the Day Before Easter

Twas the day before Easter and all through the woods,

The bunnies were busy packing their goods.

The eggs were all colored so pretty and bright,

All things were "go" for the big , special night.

The baskets were waiting, all decorated with care,

In hopes that the Bunny soon would be there.

My little brother Sam was asleep in his bed,

While visions of Easter eggs rolled round his head.

And I in my pajamas with the cat on my lap,

I had just settled down for a quick little nap.

When outside the window I heard a great noise,

I sprang from my chair and jumped over some toys.

As quick as a flash to the window I flew,

I pulled up the shade and , OH, what a view.

The moon on the meadow cast a bright golden glow

And the wind blew the flowers to and then fro.

Then all of a sudden from out of nowhere,

Came some lively bunnies, hopping here, hopping there!

Leading the group with ears long and funny

Was a plump , all-white rabbit... That's right, the EASTER BUNNY!

The bunnies hopped past, one, two , three, four,

The rabbit called out and then there were more.

"Come, Peter!, Come,Flopsy!, Come, Benny!, Come, Joe!

Now hop along! Hop along! Hop along! GO!"

So up on each doorstep the bunnies did hop,

With baskets of eggs. (Let's hope they don't drop)!

Just at that moment, on the porch down below,

Came the stomping of feet 'Twas the rabbit I know!

As I stepped from my window I heard a loud sound.

Through the door came the rabbit with a leap and a bound.

He was furry and soft from his head to his feet.

To see him so close was really quite neat.

He was surrounded by eggs that had been carefully dyed.

Easter eggs galore he soon would hide.

His eyes were all twinkles, His nose was so pink,

And I can't be too sure but I think he did wink.

He had a kind face and a big fluffy tail

That bobbed up and down like a boat with a sail.

A twitch of his nose and a flick of his ear

Was his way of saying "You've nothing to fear."

He uttered no sound as he hopped all about,

Hiding the eggs and leaving no doubt.

That the Easter bunny had come like he does every year...

Bringing baskets of happiness to children so dear.

Q.  How do you post a bunny?
A.  Hare mail.

Q.  What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote?
A.  One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!

Q.  How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself?
A.  With a hare dryer!

Q.  What's red and blue and sogs up your Easter basket?
A.  Coloured scrambled eggs!

Q.  How does the Easter Bunny paint all of those eggs?
A.  He hires Santa's elves during the off-season.

Q.  What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?
A.  They lived hoppily ever after!

Q.  How do you catch the Easter Bunny?
A.  Hide in the bushes and make a noise like a carrot!

It cannot be found in the scriptures, but one story has it that

upon his resurrection, the Lord appeared to a certain fisherman. 

"I am Jesus - My death has saved all who do or will believe, and

I am returned to show the Father's love and power.  "No, you're not

Jesus, so bug off, you're scaring all the fish," answered the old

fisherman. "I see thou are full of doubt. What would thee have me

do to show who I am?"  "Walk across the river," he tells Jesus.

So Jesus starts walking across the river. Next thing, he sinks and

disappears under the water. After he swims back to shore, the old

man says to him, "There you are, see, you're not Jesus, you can't

walk across water"  Jesus responds, "Well, I used to be able to do

it until I got these darned holes in my feet!"

Q.  What do you get when you cross a bunny with a leek?
A.  A bunion.

Q.  What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?
A.  A harenet.

Q.  How is the Easter Bunny like Shaquille O'Neal?
A.  They're both famous for stuffing baskets!

One day an old Catholic Priest was dying. He sent a message

for a doctor & lawyer, both members of his congregation, to

come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up

to his bedroom.  As they entered the room, he held out his

hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of his bed.

Then he grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, and smiled. 

For a long time no one said anything. Both the doctor and

lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would

want them with him during his final moments.  He had never

given them any indication that he particularly liked either of

them. His sermons in the past about greed and various other

behavior had made them squirm in their seats many a time. 

Finally the doctor asked, "Preacher, why did you ask us to

come and see you at this time?"  The old man mustered up

some strength, and then said weakly, "Jesus died between

2 thieves... and that's how I wanted to go."

Q.  What did the bunny want to do when he grew up?
A.  Join the Hare Force.

Q.  What goes ha-ha-clunk?
A.  A bunny laughing its head off.

Q.  How do you make a rabbit stew?
A.  Make it wait for 3 hours!

4th of July/Patriotic Jokes

What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the
Declaration of Independence with a rooster?
John Hancock-a-doodle-doo!

What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold!

What did Paul Revere say at the end of his ride?
"I gotta get a softer saddle!"

What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!

What do you call a parade of German mercenaries?
A Hessian procession!

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small
curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it was a crack-up!

What would you get if you crossed George Washington
with cattle feed?
The Fodder of Our Country!

What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!

What's red, white, blue, and gross?
Uncle Spam!

What's red, white, black and blue?
Uncle Sam falling down the steps!

What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?

What was General Washington's favorite tree?
The infantry!

Which colonists told the most jokes?

What would you get if you crossed Washington's home
with nasty insects?
Mt. Vermin

Halloween Jokes

Top 9 signs you're too old for Trick or Treating:

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and

fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the


4. You get winded from knocking on the door.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your


2. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

What kind of fruit does dracula like?

What kind of shoes do baby ghosts wear?

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want to change it into..

What did one vampire say to the other as they were passing the morgue?
Let's stop in for a cool one!

Beethoven's Symphony
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he

hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a

headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he

realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played

backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to

return with him.  By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music

has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous

piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a

music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is

playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are

being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th,

then the 7th, then the 5th.  By the next day the word has spread and a

throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second

Symphony being played backward.  Just then the graveyard's caretaker

ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an

explanation for the music.  "Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the

caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

How can u tell if a vampire has a cold?
By his 'coffin'!

Why can't mummies go on vacation?
Because they're afraid they'll relax and unwind!

What goes "Ha-ha-ha-ha!", thud?
A monster laughing it's head off!

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts!

How do vampires invite each other out for lunch?
Do you want to go for a bite?

Why did the witches cancel their baseball game?
Because they ran out of bats!

What do you call a man who lures women into his place and turns them into ghastly freaks?
A hairdresser!

What do skeletons say before eating?
Bone Appetit!

What’s the difference between a mummy and an Indian?
An Indian lives in a teepee, and a mummy lives in T.P.!

Why did the vampire get fired from the blood bank?
He was caught drinking on the job!

What kind of clothes do zombies wear?
Decay NY!

Why aren’t there more famous skeletons?
They’re a bunch of no bodies!

What kind of music do mummies listen to?

Why did Dracula move to England?
'Cause he bloody felt like it!

Cemetery Story
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the

cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket with pecans

and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, and one for me. One for you, one for me," said one

boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he

passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for

you, one for me. One for you, one for me."   He just knew what it

was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and the Lord dividing the

souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I just heard.

Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up souls."
The man said. "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"

When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing

by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. "
The old man whispered, "Boy, you, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see

the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet

were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the

wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a

glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And

one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the

fence, and we'll be done."   They say the old guy made it back to

town 5 minutes before the boy.

Q: What do goblins and ghosts drink when they are thirsty on Halloween?

A: Ghoul aid.

A man was walking home one Halloween night when he heard "Bump! Bump!

Bump!" He looked back and saw an upright casket banging down

the street. Terrified, the man ran toward his home, the casket

pursuing him. He opened his door and locked it behind him.

The casket crashed through the door, with its lid clapping.

The man rushed to the bathroom and locked the door. He heard

the casket coming. Bump! Bump! Bump! It crashed through the

door! Desperate, the man hurled a bottle of Robitussin against

the casket. It worked! The coffin stopped!

Q: What do ghosts say when something is really neat?

A: Ghoul!

Q: Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?

A: He did not have a haunting license.

Q.  What is the best thing about a hotel for witches?

A.  It has great broom service

Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?

A: He is mist.

Q.  What do you call a guy turned on by a witch?

A.  Scared stiff.

Q.  How do ghosts begin letters?

A.  Tomb it may concern

Q: Why is a ghost such a messy eater?

A: Because he is always a goblin.

Q: Where do most ghosts live?

A: In North and South Scarolinas.

Q: Why did Dracula break up with his sweetie?

A: She wasn't his blood type.

Q: What kind of car does Dracula drive?

A: The bloodmobile.

Q: What does Dracula get when he doesn't brush his teeth

A: Bat breath.

Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road??

A: To get to the body shop!

Q: What does a ghost eat for breakfast??

A: Scream of wheat!

Q.  Why did Dracula flunk art class?

A.  Because he could only draw blood!

Q: What is a ghost's favorite pie??

A: Boo Berry!!

Q: Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school??

A: Because his heart wasn't in it.

Q: What did the wicked chicken lay?

A: Deviled eggs.

Q: What do goblins mail home while on vacation?

A: Ghost-Cards!

The Buccaneers
A little boy is dressed as a pirate captain for Halloween. He knocks on the door of a house and a lady answers.
She says "Well, well little boy, what are you supposed to be?"
He says "I am a pirate captain".
She says "Well--where are your buccaneers?"
He says "Right here under my bucken hat."

Thanksgiving Jokes

Why does a Pilgrim's pants always fall down?
Because he wears his belt buckle on his hat.

Q. What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
A. Pumpkin pi.

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with
breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the

leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for

everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was

relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general

store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that

has 6 legs!"  They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
"I Don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the
darn thing!"

Why did Johnny always get such bad grades after Thanksgiving?

Because everything's marked down after the holidays.

We had a lovely Thanksgiving dinner this year: turkey with all the
trimmings including Mama Stamberg's famous cranberry relish. When we could
finally get up from the table, cousin George and I promised all of the cooks
that we would do our part by doing dishes and getting the rest of the meat
off of the bird. Well, we got through the dishes, but were then hit by
the tryptophan coursing through our veins.  I looked at the turkey
and then to cousin George, who was dragging rather badly at the time.
I says to him, I says, "George, let's just put the lid on the turkey
pan and set it in the outdoor refrigerator overnight. We should have more energy
to finish off this task tomorrow."  George was a bit hesitant,
but I finally talked him into it.  Around here the temperature really took
a plunge that Thursday night.  The next day everything outside the
perimeter maintained by our trusty oil furnace was frozed up solid-like.
After breakfast George and I hauled in the baking pan and set to
work on the bird. At first the going seemed kinda tough but we finally
decided it was gonna be impossible! We mulled over the problem while sipping
on our second and third cups of coffee and then I suddenly got an idea.
"I know, George," I exclaimed. "Lets put the turkey back into
the oven briefly and thaw the thing out!" We tried it and it worked pretty darn
well. We waded back into our task and things were goin' along fine but George 
really spun my head around when he  observed, "Ya know cousin, this
is like I always say:  Those who fail to dismember the repast are
condemned to reheat it!"

Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey because he's already stuffed!

Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian

said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this

turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my

guilt?"   "Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must

return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what

should I do?"  "If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to

keep it for your family."  Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his

residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that

someone had stolen his turkey.

Q: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
A: I'll let you know next week.

Q: What did the widowed mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
A: If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

Q.  If the pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?

A.  Their age.

Thanks to Erin for this one....

Q.  What side of the turkey has the most feathers?

A.  The outside.

Q.  How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?

A.  One, but you really have to squeeze him in!

Q.  What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?

A.  Enough drumsticks for the whole family!!

Q.  What happened to the pilgrim when an Indian shot at him?

A.  He had an arrow escape.

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session

when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players

gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and

demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught

pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the

turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!!

Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the

season go past Thanksgiving Day?" 

Q.  If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
A.  Their AGE

Q.  Why can't you take a turkey to church?
A.  Because they use such FOWL language

Q.  Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A.  Yes - a building can't jump at all

Christmas Jokes

Q.  Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

A.  It was a matter of low elf-esteem.

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to

Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good

boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then

crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.  He gets out a

new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have

been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He

again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.  He then gets

an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the

Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes

another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever

want to see your mother again..."

Q.  How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?

A.  Fleece Navidad.

Q.  What does a cat on the beach have in common with Christmas?

A.  Sandy Claws.

Q.  What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?

A.  Crisp Cringle.

Santa Claus is a Woman I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating, musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped onto the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men... Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone-screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. However, as long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy.

Christmas is the time of year when everyone gets all Santamental.

Q.  Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

A.  So he can hoe, hoe, hoe.

Q.  What do elfs learn in school?

A.  The elf-abet.

Q.  What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

A.  It's Christmas, Eve.

Psychological Christmas Songs

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are...

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and

Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry,

I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell

Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle

Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,

Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle

Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell

Rock, Jingle Bell....

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True

Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

Q.  What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?

A.  The Christmas alphabet has no L.

Signs You Are Broke After Christmas:

1. American Express calls and says; "Definitely leave home

without it."

2. Your idea of a 7 course meal is taking a deep breath

outside a restaurant.

3. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

4. You give blood everyday, just for the orange juice.

5. You finally clean your house, hoping to find loose change.

6. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

7. Sally Struthers sends you food.

8. You go back for seconds at communion.

9. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic

bond with Abe Lincoln.

10. You rob Peter and then you rob Paul.

Q.  What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

A.  Frost-bite

Q.  What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

A.  Claustrophobic.

12 politically correct days of Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter

festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, mono-

gamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual


ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made

up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union

as called for in their union contract even though they will

not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the

patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing

milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wet-


SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal


FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic


FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree

carcasses and...

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Q.  What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ?
A.  This one will sleigh you !

Q.  What did the guest sing at the Eskimo's Christmas party ?
A.  Freeze a jolly fellow !

Q.  What do elves make sandwiches with?

A.  Shortbread

Q.  Why don't Prancer and Dancer and the other reindeer overtake Rudolph?
A.  Because they don't believe in passing the buck!

Storefront Christmas Signs...

  • Toy Store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."

  • Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."

  • Outside a church: "The Original Christmas Club."

  • At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."

  • A Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000. Three for $200,000.

  • A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."

  • In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything... a calendar to remind him when payments are due."

Q.  What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
A.  The letter "D".

Q.  What do reindeer have that no other animals on earth have?
A.  Baby reindeer.

Q.  What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective ?
A.  Santa Clues!

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and

Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just

before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the

floor. Which one picked it up?  Santa of course, because the

other two don't exist!

Q.  Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean?
A.  Because snow man is an island. 

Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines

10. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners!

9. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.

8. Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.

7. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler.

6. I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear?

5. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.

4. I can get you off Santa's naughty list.

3. I was once a lawn ornament for 'NSync. Want to meet them?

2. Just because I've got bells on my shoes, doesn't mean I'm a sissy.

1. "I'm down here"

Thanks to Joe in Upland for these:

Name that Christmas Carol........for instance, the following: "Bleached Yule"

would be, "White Christmas"


1) Our Monarchial Triad

2) The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals

3) Minuscule Hamlet In The Near East

4) Listen, Aerial Sprites Vocalize Musically

5) Cherubim Providing Audio Input to Us From Aloft

6) Assemble, Everyone Who Loyally Believes

7) Vertically Challenged Adolescent Percussionist

8) Bipedal Traveling Through An Amazing Acreage During the Period Between December 21st and March 21st In The Northern Hemisphere

9) Allow Crystalline Formations To Descend in Triplicate

10) Omnipotent Supreme Being Elicit Respite To Ecstatic Distinguished Males


1) We Three Kings

2) The Twelve Days of Christmas

3) Oh Little Town of Bethlehem

4) Hark the Herald Angels Sing

5) Angels We Have Heard on High

6) O' Come All Ye Faithful

7) Little Drummer Boy

8) Walking in a Winter Wonderland

9) Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow

10) God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

Q.  How many reindeer does Santa have???
A.  11 - Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudoph (the one with the red nose),
Olive (Olive the other reindeer), and Al (Then Al the reindeer loved him)

Q.  What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A.  Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Q.  Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A.  Because it soots him.

Q.  What can Santa give away and still keep?
A.  A cold.

Q.  Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A.  Because every buck is dear to him.

To: All Employees From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines:
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for
his annual trip....but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you, Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree.

A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said".

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?".

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"!

Memo from Santa

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan.

As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us...

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin" coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.."when Bubba Clause arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, On Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by Yee Haw! And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I hear'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. Finally, the lovely Christmas songs that have been sung about me like " Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and "Santa Claus is coming to Town" will be changed. This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma got run over by a Reindeer.

Sincerely yours,
Santa Claus

Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and, brought practical gifts.

NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa

Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference

held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the

southern hemisphere.

In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to

Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In

addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households

through the Santa Sleigh. The announcement also included a

notice that beginning Jan 1, 1997, Christmas and the Reindeer

names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This move was

facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court.

Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas

great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and

Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the

guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween,

will be very strict. When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates

replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient

delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but

recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits.

We'll use it first for the release of Windows97 and Office


In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a

seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the

deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft

logo, and a new Christmas 96 trademark, leading into the

announcement of the first product from the deal.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The

first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft

organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any

changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next

year, when we release Christmas

96. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further

elaborated that "Windows95 users who sign up with MS Network

will get previews of Christmas 96 as early as November first."

Christmas 96 is scheduled for release in December of 1996,

though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to

the end of the year and may slip into the first half of

1997. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would

be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax

revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for

filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas,

whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he

explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it

move to May or June, which are much slower months for

retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the


When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates

explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we

wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale,

and the remaining will have to show a good long term business,"

suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the


Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending

final FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal

was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some

analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and

is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round

products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is

looking to retire in Redmond.

A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be

reached for comment.

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all

the credit.

A man is at the dentist's office for a routine appointment

when the dentist notices that the patient's plate is severely

corroded, but can't figure out why.  The dentist says to the

patient, "I've noticed that your plate is severely corroded.

Have you had a change in your diet recently?"  To which

the patient replies, "Why yes sir. Six months ago my wife

introduced me to eggs benedict. I fell in love with the hollandaise

sauce and now I put it on everything."  "That's it! The

hollandaise sauce contains lemon juice which is very acidic.

That explains the corrosion of your plate. I can replace your plate,

but I have to make it out of chrome."  "Why chrome?", asks the

patient.  "Why don't you know? There's no plate like chrome for

the hollandaise."

Knock Knock

Who's there ?


Wayne who ?

Wayne in a manger... !

Knock Knock

Who's there ?


Donut who ?

Donut open till Christmas !

There once was a fellow named Donald Weinhower. He inherited his dad's ladies clothing store (Sol's Fashion Boutique) and did fairly well with it for a number of years.  After a while he noticed that whenever he got in larger-sized items that were stylish, certain men would come in and eagerly buy the items. He also eventually realized that these fellows were buying the fashions for themselves! Even when he raised the prices to quite high margins, all the goods of that type would just about fly out of the store.Well, Don finally decided that he could make a lot more money by just catering to these special clients. He remodeled the store, brought in all new stock, and changed the name of the shop.  Yes, you guessed it - he named the shop Don Weinhower Gay Apparel!

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