NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never
keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are
some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of
twine.
9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should
eat out more.
11. Not have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a
belt.
21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
22. Not eat cloned meat.
23. Create loose ends.
24. Get more toys.
25. Get further in debt.
26. Not believe politicians.
27. Break at least one traffic law.
28. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
29. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
31. Stay off the MIR space station.
32. Not worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.
33. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
34. Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.
35. Associate with even worse business clients.
36. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
37. Wait around for opportunity.
38. Focus on the faults of others.
39. Mope about my faults.
40. Never make New Year's resolutions again.
'Twas
the Month After Christmas
Twas the
month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
New Year Resolutions
That You Might Actually Be Able to Keep
-
I promise not to use Prune Juice
for his Pancake syrup on Football Sunday.
-
I resolve never to tell my
husband "I told you so" for the first three days of the new year.
-
I resolve never to embarrass my
husband by wearing "cheap" jewelry and clothes.
-
I resolve never to work in the
kitchen so I can look my best when he comes home.
-
I shall not laugh (out loud) at
all the "how great it was fishing / hunting stories" this coming season.
-
I vow not to "play in his garage"
whenever he offers to help "whip up something for supper."
-
resolve never to take the
dog for a walk because he is a man's best friend.
-
I resolve never to give the cats
a bath because my hubby needs to be scratched.
-
I shall not repeat (more than
twice) "I told you so" when he trips over his untied shoe laces.
... New Year's Party Tips for
the Moderation Challenged:
10) Once your pantyhose have a big "Easy Access" hole in the upper thigh, just
take 'em off already. You're not fooling anyone there, classy-chick.
9) The president of your company does NOT want to know how YOU think things are
REALLY going. Cause you know what? If anyone really cared, YOU would be
president. So just move along, smarty-pants.
8) Eat any and all cheese products you are offered throughout the evening. It
works. I don't know why, but it does. I choose not to look that particular gift
horse in the mouth. Just stick to the cheese and be grateful.
7) Arrive at the party assuming you are going to be put in a cab and sent home.
Translation: know your address, or at least have it written down somewhere. And
for god's sake, hang on to some cab fare.
6) Nothing says class like a woman double fisting Bud from the bottle. (Use a
glass, just this once.)
5) If your party is open bar all evening long, you've hit BONANZA. Pace
yourself, or you'll be bummed in the morning when you realize you were sent
home in time to watch Jeopardy. If your party is open bar only for an
hour, offer to help "organize" so you can get there early and hoard alcohol for
yourself and your friends. If your party is cash bar only, consider
quitting now. It's only December 31st - you can get a new job at a company that
will at least pick up the friggin' bar tab for an hour. Jeez - it's New Years.
Tight-asses!
4) Stay a drink or two behind anyone you really don't like. Think of the hours
and hours of fun and excitement you will have talking about what a drunken fool
they were at the party the next day! (Oh...sure, I had 10 beers, but you'd
think SHE'D at least slow down after number 11... duh?!?)
3) If you've fallen down more than once, and you still want to keep your job,
thanks for playing, we have some nice parting gifts for you. Bye bye. Check
yourself out before someone has to check you in to the emergency room. (Note:
Stumbling is perfectly legal.)
2) Your body, especially your hands, do not belong anywhere within 6 inches of
your boss's body. Not for any reason, period. If you find your hands in need of
something to do, get another drink for crying out loud. Or wait till you get
home, Spanky.
1) Just because you can't see others while you're hooking up with your intern
on the dance floor doesn't mean others can't see YOU.
Valentine's Day Jokes
Q. Why do valentines have hearts on them?
A. Because spleens would look pretty gross!
Q. What did the
boy light bulb say to the girl light bulb on Valentine's Day?
A. I wuv you watts and watts!
Q. Why didn't
Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart?
A. Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small!
Q. What do you
call a very small valentine?
A. A valentiny!
Q. What did the
boy octopus say to the girl octopus on Valentine's Day?
A. I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!
Q. What do you
call a cartoon that only shows up on Valentine's Day?
A. A Valentoon!
A guy walks into a post office one day to
see a middle-aged, balding
man standing at the counter methodically
placing "Love" stamps on
bright pink envelopes with hearts all over
them. He then takes out a
perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all
over them. His curiosity
getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks
him what he is doing. The man says "I'm
sending out 1,000 Valentine
cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?"
asks the man. "I'm a
divorce lawyer," the man replies.
What did the caveman give his wife on
Valentine's Day?
Ughs and kisses!
Why should you send your sweetie a
valentine?
Because you always heart the one you love!
What did the French chef give his wife for
Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!
Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap.
After she woke up,
she told her husband, "I just dreamed that
you gave me a pearl
necklace for Valentine's day. What do you
think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said. That
evening, the man came
home with a small package and gave it to his
wife. Delighted,
she opened it--only to find a book entitled
"The meaning of dreams".
I remember one Valentine's Day I had to be
away on a business trip
I wired flowers for my lovely wife, but she
found the fuse.
What would you get if you crossed a dog with
a valentine card?
A card that says, "I love you drool-ly!"
What's red and white and swims in the ocean?
A valentine cod!
Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a
celebration?
Because you can really party hearty!
Q: Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?
A: Because it's all heart.
Things not to say on your Valentine's date...
13. Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?
12. I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use
this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
11. No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix
alcohol and penicillin.
10. I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
9. People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.
8. I used to come here all the time with my ex.
7. I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to
consider it.
6. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice
on the answering machine every hour.
5. I like clay. It's mushy.
4. I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I
wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
3. And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.
2. I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good
butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.
1. It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just
won't be as smart as I am.
Q: What do squirrels
give for Valentine's Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.
Q: What did the letter
say to the stamp?
A: You send me.
Q: What is a vampire's
sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.
Q: Why did the banana
go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn't get a date.
Q: What is a ram's
favorite song?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, Dear
I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to
represent Valentine's
Day. When I think about romance, the last
thing on my mind is a
short, chubby toddler coming at me with a
weapon.
St.
Patrick's Day Jokes
Please visit our Irish page for the St. Patrick's jokes
Easter Jokes
Q.
What do you do if your chocolate eggs mysteriously disappear?
A. You look for an eggsplanation!
A man
was driving along the highway, and saw the Easter rabbit hopping across the
middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately
the Easter rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The basket of eggs
went flying all over the place, candy too. The driver, being a sensitive man
as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to
see what had become of the rabbit carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the
colorful rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman
driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled
over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel
terrible!" he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter rabbit and killed it.
Kids will be so disappointed. What should I do?" The woman told the man not to
worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray
can. She walked over to the dead, limp rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the
can onto the furry animal. Miraculously the Easter rabbit came to life, jumped
up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and
hopped down the road. 50 yards away the Easter rabbit stopped turned around,
waved and hopped down the road. Another 50 yards down, he turned, waved and
hopped another 50 yards. And waved again!!!! The man was astonished. He
couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran
over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on
the Easter rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read
the label. It said:
"Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
A man was coming out of church one
Easter morning, and the preacher
was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed the man
by the hand and pulled him aside. The
Pastor said, "You need to join the
Army of the Lord!" The man said,
"I'm already in the Army of the Lord,
Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How
come I don't see you except at
Christmas and Easter?" He whispered
back, "I'm in the secret service!"
Q.
What's big and purple and hugs your Easter basket?
A. The Easter Barney!
Q. What do Easter Bunny helpers get for
making a basket?
A. Two points, just like anyone else.
Knock,
knock!
Who's there?
Candy.
Candy who?
Candy Easter Bunny carry all dose treats in one basket?
Q. What's invisible and smells like
carrots?
A. The Ether Bunny
Q. Why did the Easter Bunny hide his
eggs?
A. He doesn't want the other bunnies to know that he was fooling around with the
chickens
Three blondes died in a car crash trying
to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells
them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious
question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when
everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..." "Wrong!, you are not
welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.
He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question: "What is
Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we
put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates
in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the
other place. She is not welcome in Heaven. He then peers over his glasses
at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"? The third blonde
smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that
coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were
eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the
Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was
stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross
with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was
sealed off by a large boulder." St Peter smiled broadly with delight. The third
blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can
come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
Q. What do you get when you pour
hot water down a rabbit hole?
A. A Hot Cross bunny.
Q. What do you get when you cross
a bunny with a spider?
A. A harenet.
Q. What did the bunny say when he
only had thistles to eat?
A. Thistle have to do!
Q.
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite state capital?
A. Albunny, New York!
Q.
What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with a famous French
general?
A. Napoleon Bunnyparte!
Q.
Who is the Easter Bunny's favourite movie actor?
A. Rabbit De Niro!
Why
the Easter Bunny brings eggs.
10. Big A** Tax Write-off
9. Who ever heard of Easter Bricks?
8. Consider all of the varieties: scrambled, over easy, hard boiled
7. He gets a good deal from the local chickens
6. Secret plan to eliminate human race by cholesterol overdose
5. Pressure from the Egg Marketing Board
4. Because if it brought bottle rockets it would be the Independence Bunny
3. Would you want to hunt for waffles?
2. He thinks guys should get chicks at least once a year
1. Because the Energizer rabbit got the good job.
Q. Who delivers Easter treats to all the fish
in the sea?
A. The Oyster Bunny!
Q. What did the grey rabbit say to
the blue rabbit?
A. Cheer up!
Q. Why is a bunny the luckiest
animal in the world?
A. It has 4 rabbits' feet.
'Twas the Day
Before Easter
Twas the day
before Easter and all through the woods,
The bunnies were
busy packing their goods.
The eggs were all
colored so pretty and bright,
All things were
"go" for the big , special night.
The baskets were
waiting, all decorated with care,
In hopes that the
Bunny soon would be there.
My little brother
Sam was asleep in his bed,
While visions of
Easter eggs rolled round his head.
And I in my
pajamas with the cat on my lap,
I had just
settled down for a quick little nap.
When outside the
window I heard a great noise,
I sprang from my
chair and jumped over some toys.
As quick as a
flash to the window I flew,
I pulled up the
shade and , OH, what a view.
The moon on the
meadow cast a bright golden glow
And the wind blew
the flowers to and then fro.
Then all of a
sudden from out of nowhere,
Came some lively
bunnies, hopping here, hopping there!
Leading the group
with ears long and funny
Was a plump ,
all-white rabbit... That's right, the EASTER BUNNY!
The bunnies
hopped past, one, two , three, four,
The rabbit called
out and then there were more.
"Come, Peter!,
Come,Flopsy!, Come, Benny!, Come, Joe!
Now hop along!
Hop along! Hop along! GO!"
So up on each
doorstep the bunnies did hop,
With baskets of
eggs. (Let's hope they don't drop)!
Just at that
moment, on the porch down below,
Came the stomping
of feet 'Twas the rabbit I know!
As I stepped from
my window I heard a loud sound.
Through the door
came the rabbit with a leap and a bound.
He was furry and
soft from his head to his feet.
To see him so
close was really quite neat.
He was surrounded
by eggs that had been carefully dyed.
Easter eggs
galore he soon would hide.
His eyes were all
twinkles, His nose was so pink,
And I can't be
too sure but I think he did wink.
He had a kind
face and a big fluffy tail
That bobbed up
and down like a boat with a sail.
A twitch of his
nose and a flick of his ear
Was his way of
saying "You've nothing to fear."
He uttered no
sound as he hopped all about,
Hiding the eggs
and leaving no doubt.
That the Easter
bunny had come like he does every year...
Bringing baskets
of happiness to children so dear.
Q. How do you post a bunny?
A. Hare mail.
Q. What is the difference between
a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote?
A. One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!
Q.
How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself?
A. With a hare dryer!
Q.
What's red and blue and sogs up your Easter basket?
A. Coloured scrambled eggs!
Q.
How does the Easter Bunny paint all of those eggs?
A. He hires Santa's elves during the off-season.
Q.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?
A. They lived hoppily ever after!
Q.
How do you catch the Easter Bunny?
A. Hide in the bushes and make a noise like a carrot!
It
cannot be found in the scriptures, but one story has it that
upon his
resurrection, the Lord appeared to a certain fisherman.
"I am
Jesus - My death has saved all who do or will believe, and
I am
returned to show the Father's love and power. "No, you're not
Jesus,
so bug off, you're scaring all the fish," answered the old
fisherman. "I see thou are full of doubt. What would thee have me
do to
show who I am?" "Walk across the river," he tells Jesus.
So Jesus
starts walking across the river. Next thing, he sinks and
disappears under the water. After he swims back to shore, the old
man says
to him, "There you are, see, you're not Jesus, you can't
walk
across water" Jesus responds, "Well, I used to be able to do
it until
I got these darned holes in my feet!"
Q. What do you get when you cross
a bunny with a leek?
A. A bunion.
Q. What does a bunny use when it
goes fishing?
A. A harenet.
Q.
How is the Easter Bunny like Shaquille O'Neal?
A. They're both famous for stuffing baskets!
One day
an old Catholic Priest was dying. He sent a message
for a
doctor & lawyer, both members of his congregation, to
come to
his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up
to his
bedroom. As they entered the room, he held out his
hands
and motioned for them to sit on each side of his bed.
Then he
grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, and smiled.
For a
long time no one said anything. Both the doctor and
lawyer
were touched and flattered that the old man would
want
them with him during his final moments. He had never
given
them any indication that he particularly liked either of
them.
His sermons in the past about greed and various other
behavior
had made them squirm in their seats many a time.
Finally
the doctor asked, "Preacher, why did you ask us to
come and
see you at this time?" The old man mustered up
some
strength, and then said weakly, "Jesus died between
2
thieves... and that's how I wanted to go."
Q. What did the bunny want to do
when he grew up?
A. Join the Hare Force.
Q. What goes ha-ha-clunk?
A. A bunny laughing its head off.
Q. How do you make a rabbit stew?
A. Make it wait for 3 hours!
4th
of July/Patriotic Jokes
What would you
get if you crossed the first signer of the
Declaration of Independence with a rooster?
John Hancock-a-doodle-doo!
What quacks,
has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold!
What did Paul
Revere say at the end of his ride?
"I gotta get a softer saddle!"
What protest
by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!
What happened
as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!
Why did Paul
Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!
Why did the
British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!
What do you
call a parade of German mercenaries?
A Hessian procession!
What would you
get if you crossed a patriot with a small
curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!
Did you hear
the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it was a crack-up!
What would you
get if you crossed George Washington
with cattle feed?
The Fodder of Our Country!
What did one
flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!
What's red,
white, blue, and gross?
Uncle Spam!
What's red,
white, black and blue?
Uncle Sam falling down the steps!
What kind of
tea did the American colonists thirst for?
Liberty!
What was General
Washington's favorite tree?
The infantry!
Which colonists
told the most jokes?
Punsylvanians!
What would you get if you crossed Washington's home
with nasty insects?
Mt. Vermin
Halloween Jokes
Top 9 signs you're too old for
Trick or Treating:
9. You have to have another kid chew
the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy
only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in
your bag, you lose your balance and
fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards
mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell,
"Trick or..." and can't remember the
rest.
4. You get winded from knocking on
the door.
3. You have to carefully choose a
costume that won't dislodge your
hairpiece.
2. By the end of the night, you have
a bag full of restraining orders.
1. You avoid going to houses where
your ex-wives live.
What
kind of fruit does dracula like?
Neckterines!
What
kind of shoes do baby ghosts wear?
Boo-ties!
How many
witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want to change it into..
What did
one vampire say to the other as they were passing the morgue?
Let's stop in for a cool one!
Beethoven's Symphony
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he
hears
some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a
headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he
realizes
that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played
backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to
return
with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music
has
changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous
piece,
it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a
music
scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is
playing,
again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are
being
played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th,
then the
7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a
throng
has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second
Symphony
being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker
ambles
up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an
explanation for the music. "Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the
caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"
How can
u tell if a vampire has a cold?
By his 'coffin'!
Why
can't mummies go on vacation?
Because they're afraid they'll relax and unwind!
What
goes "Ha-ha-ha-ha!", thud?
A monster laughing it's head off!
Why
didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts!
How do
vampires invite each other out for lunch?
Do you want to go for a bite?
Why did
the witches cancel their baseball game?
Because they ran out of bats!
What do
you call a man who lures women into his place and turns them into ghastly
freaks?
A hairdresser!
What do
skeletons say before eating?
Bone Appetit!
What’s
the difference between a mummy and an Indian?
An Indian lives in a teepee, and a mummy lives in T.P.!
Why did
the vampire get fired from the blood bank?
He was caught drinking on the job!
What
kind of clothes do zombies wear?
Decay NY!
Why
aren’t there more famous skeletons?
They’re a bunch of no bodies!
What
kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap!
Why did
Dracula move to England?
'Cause he bloody felt like it!
Cemetery Story
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the
cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket with pecans
and
sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One
for you, and one for me. One for you, one for me," said one
boy.
Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he
passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for
you,
one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it
was.
"Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and the Lord dividing the
souls
at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I just heard.
Satan
and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up souls."
The man said. "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"
When
the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing
by the
fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. "
The old man whispered, "Boy, you, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see
the
devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet
were
still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the
wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a
glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And
one
last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the
fence,
and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to
town 5
minutes before the boy.
Q: What
do goblins and ghosts drink when they are thirsty on Halloween?
A: Ghoul
aid.
A man was walking home one Halloween
night when he heard "Bump! Bump!
Bump!" He looked back and saw an
upright casket banging down
the street. Terrified, the man ran
toward his home, the casket
pursuing him. He opened his door and
locked it behind him.
The casket crashed through the door,
with its lid clapping.
The man rushed to the bathroom and
locked the door. He heard
the casket coming. Bump! Bump! Bump!
It crashed through the
door! Desperate, the man hurled a
bottle of Robitussin against
the casket. It worked! The coffin
stopped!
Q: What
do ghosts say when something is really neat?
A:
Ghoul!
Q: Why
did the game warden arrest the ghost?
A: He
did not have a haunting license.
Q. What is the best thing
about a hotel for witches?
A. It has great broom service
Q: What
happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
A: He is
mist.
Q. What do you call a guy
turned on by a witch?
A. Scared stiff.
Q. How do ghosts begin
letters?
A. Tomb it may concern
