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Yuma Me - General Joke Page
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Submit your joke here An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time. A fisherman carelessly dropped his wallet into the water and was amazed to see a school of carp deftly balancing the wallet on their noses and tossing it from one fish to the other. "Gosh," exclaimed the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen "Carp to carp walleting!" A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-tellers tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children." "That's what you think", the man laughed. I'm the father of THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!" During World War II Richard Wynn, on flight duty with the 8th Air Force Division in Europe was shot down and captured by the Germans. After a year as prisoner of war, he escaped and made his way back to his bomber group in England. One of his first acts there was to hunt up the corporal on duty in the parachute building. "Corporal," he said, "a year ago I had occasion to use one of the parachutes that your men had packed and I want you to know how delighted I was to find it in perfect working order. I give you my deepest compliments and appreciation." "You know, Lieutenant, funny thing," the corporal replied. "In this work we never get any complaints." A certain band director was standing outside on a metal ladder during a concert, when a thunderstorm broke out. Amazingly, he wasn't hit by lightning, but the music was awful - it seems he just wasn't a very good conductor. A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination. On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question? Discuss." After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer." The student received an "A" on the exam. Jerry Garcia died. He wakes up and finds himself on a stage on which a number of instruments are set up. A door offstage opens and in walk Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding, and Buddy Holly. Each musician picks up his favorite instrument and begins tuning up. He walks up to Jimi and says, "Man, so this is what heaven is like." Jimi looks at him and says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?" At that moment, Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind the drums, and calls out, "Okay guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four . . . " A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be. Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie. Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words. Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation. Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins. Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself. Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa? A man who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co-workers recently complained about what a pain it was. It was suggested that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome." A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "So I'm looking for the seal. I sure hope he's okay." Q. What kind of fence goes on strike? A. A picket fence. On a country road, a speeder hit and killed a dog. The dog's owner stood nearby, a gun in his hand. The speeder said, "Looks as if I killed your dog." "Sure does." "I'm sorry. Was it a valuable dog?" "I wouldn't say that." "Well, suppose I gave you a hundred dollars. Would that be enough?" "Well, I don't know." "Two hundred dollars. That should do it." "Sounds good." The speeder reached into his pocket and came up with the money. Pressing it into the man's hand, he said, "I'm sorry I spoiled your plans to go hunting." "I wasn't going hunting. I was heading out to the woods to shoot that mangy dog." Q. What do you call overly ambitious people from Taiwan? A. Taipei Personalities Once upon a time Old King Cole issued an order to his cooks. "From now on," he decreed, "chopped cabbage must be mixed with mayonnaise." To this day his decree is known as Cole's Law Q. What could happen if you swallowed a frog? A. You might croak. Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on. "I'm about to close," the surgeon says. The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision." The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self." Farmer Ted had a problem arise when, upon preparing his prize bull for market, the barn door slammed shut cutting the tail off the bull. His prize bull was to be sold that very day, yet now Farmer Fred couldn't whole sale him or retail him. "When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me."---Emo Phillips Q. Do you know how long cows should be milked? A. The same as short ones Q. What do you call a single Korean flatfish's spirit? A. A sole Seoul sole soul. A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies were running low when his camel died. Now on foot, he desperately sought refuge from the heat, and, most importantly, a source for water. Suddenly, he came across a vendor in the middle of the desert. "Thank God I found you!" the man cried. "Please help me. I'm in dire need of some water." "Well," said the vendor, "I don't have any water. But would you like to buy one of these fine ties." "What am I going to do with a tie?" the man asked. "That's what I'm selling sir. If you don't like it, I can't help you." The man left the vendor and walked on for many more miles, praying each minute that he would find refuge from the scorching sun. His eyes squinted a bunch of times when he came across a restaurant in the distance. Unable to comprehend a restaurant located in the middle of the desert, he assumed the place was a mirage, but decided to check it out anyway. As he approached the door, his mouth opened in amazement, seeing that the place actually existed. The doorman stopped him before he entered. "Excuse me sir," the doorman said, "but you can't come in here without a tie!" "Nishiki Okimoto died yesterday. He was one of the primary engineers who worked on the original VCR. His funeral service will be at 12:00...12:00...12:00...12:00..." ---Dennis Miller A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. "Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind. The pastor shouted out, "Cross.. " Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross." The pastor hollered out "Grace." The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound." The pastor said "Power." The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood.". The Pastor said "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories." An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool." From the back of the room a voice called out, "Yeah? So, what are the words?" A man complained, "Doc, I've been to three other clinics and none of them agreed with your diagnosis." The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right." When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing." Q. Why did the Amish couple get divorced? A. He was driving her buggy. The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he demanded. "I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'" "Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!" "I did," replied his wife. "He said 'You look great from here too.'" Q. What do you call Mother Teresa now that she is in heaven? A. Nun of the above.
Subject: mental health hotline
representative comes on the line.
the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If
you have short-term memory loss, press 9. Q. After the flash on his camera malfunctioned, what did Satan get back from the drugstore? A. Prints of darkness Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it. This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle." "OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle, replies the inventor." "A fottle? That's stupid! Can't you think of something else?" "I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton." "And what do you call that?" asks the clerk. "A farton", replies the inventor. "That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!" "In that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket." During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?" "I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you." After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife." Bill and Bob, longtime golfing buddies, were involved in a match-play contest with the score "all-square" at the 18th tee. Bill slices his tee shot way left, and the ball finally stops on the cart path. Meanwhile, Bob smashes his first shot straight down the middle. "Oh well," says Bill, "I should get a free drop from there." "Heck no," says Bob, "We play the ball as it lies." And so Bill did. After dropping his opponent on the middle of the fairway, Bill took the golf cart to his lie on the concrete path. Sparks fly from the cart path, as Bill makes a few aggressive practice swings. Finally, Bill hits the ball off the cart path, leaving a miraculous shot only 3 feet from the pin. As the two meet in the fairway, Bob comments, "That was a great shot...what club did you use?" "Your 6 iron," says Bill. Baloney: Where some hemlines fall Burglarize: What a thief sees you with. Left Bank: What the robber did after his bag was full of cash. Q. How do turtles communicate with each other? A. With shell-phones An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight. The chief made a series of weird noises: "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z..." Then he added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight." Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?" The chief made the same noises: "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z..." Then he said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building." "Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter. The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z... From the short-wave radio." On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed. On the second day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed. On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again. On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal." So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained. Q. Where do pencils come from? A. Pencil-vania Q. What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep? A. A Roamin' Catholic The decision to carry heart defibrillators on airplanes saved a passenger's life on a Dallas flight. Unfortunately, his HMO only covers coronaries on round trip flights purchased 14 days in advance with a Saturday stay over.
ROMANCE
MATHEMATICS Hah Tu Spek Suthun.... BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage:"My brother bard my pickup truck." JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida. Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck." MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts." ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck." FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far." BAHS - noun. A supervisor. Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!" TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck." TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime." RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65." RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for our rats." FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country." JU-HERE - a question. Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?" HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert." VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?" Q. Why do barbers make good drivers? A. Because they know all the short cuts. "The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot." Q. What did one pregnant doe say to another? A. Time flies when you're having fawn Q. What did one math book say to the other? A. I've got problems. His first grade teacher asked Little Bennie, "Bennie if I gave you two bunnies, and then two more bunnies and then two more bunnies, how many would you have?" Bennie replied, "Seven bunnies, Miss Johnson." The teacher asked again, "Listen closely, Bennie, If I gave you two bunnies, plus two more bunnies, plus two more bunnies, how many bunnies would you have all together?" Bennie smiled, "That's easy, Teacher, I would have seven." "Ok Bennie," Miss Johnson said. "Let's try it a different way. If I gave you two cans of Coke, plus two more cans of Coke, plus two more cans of Coke. How many cans of Coke would you have?" "Six cans," Bennie answered. "OK," said the teacher. "Now think of that with this question. If I gave you two bunnies, then two more bunnies, then two more bunnies, how many would you have?" "Seven." Bennie replied. Exasperated, Miss Johnson asked, "Why seven?" Bennie replied, "Because I already have one bunny at home!" Q. What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis? A. A hoarse doctor. Q. Why should you never lie to an x-ray technician? A. Because they can see right through you. A pig walked into a bar and asked, "Do you serve root beer?" The bartender said he did. "I'd like one, please," the pig said. After the pig had finished, he asked to use the rest room. After the pig left, another pig came in and asked for two root beers. This pig then asked for the rest room just like the first one had. Two more pigs came in. One ordered three root beers and the other four. They, too, used the rest room. When a fifth pig came in, the bartender thought he'd get cute. "Let me guess, you want five root beers." The pig was shocked. "Why, yes. Yes, I would." When he was done, he started to walk out. The bartender was confused. "Don't you want to use the rest room like the other four pigs did?" "No, I'm the fifth little piggy. I go wee-wee-wee all the way home." Q. When Pavarotti got his first big break, what was it called? A. A Grand Opera-tunity A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich. The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the bartender. "I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?" "Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck. " Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me." So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr. Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!" "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus" says the bartender. "The circus?" the duck asks. "That's right," replies the bartender. "The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck. "That's right!" says the bartender. The duck looks confused and asks: "What the heck do they want with a plasterer?" A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?" Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling." The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?" Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling." Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?" A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented. He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact." "Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee." One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife had served. "What did you marinate this in?" he asked. His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc. Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?" She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!" As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?" Without hesitation, she said, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce." It was the late 1600s in Philadelphia when Quakers were routinely arrested for civil disobedience. At the time, William Penn's mother and two of her sisters owned a successful Quaker business, a bakery. The women increased the price of their pies, specifically donating the money to support the legal expenses of their Quaker friends. Many in the town objected to paying the price increase on political grounds, and there were extensive and public debates about the pie rates of Penn's aunts. Q. Why do elephants have trunks? A. Because they would look really silly with glove compartments When the bookie asked the veteran horse player the secret of his consistent success, the gambler provided a simple explanation. "I'm just lucky, I guess. I turn to the racing page, close my eyes and stick a pin in it," he said. "Lucky!" the bookie exclaimed in disbelief. "But how did you pick this four-horse combination?" "Well," the gambler admitted, "I didn't have a pin, so I used a fork." Q. What do you get when you cross an owl with a goat? A. A hootenanny. Q. Do you know why redneck murder mysteries are so hard to solve? A. The DNA is all the same and there are no dental records. I bought a circus and got a fair deal. I ran into problems right away: the truck driver refused to tow the lion; the lion ate a clown but it tasted funny; and there was a huge fire and the heat was in tents. The human cannonball got fired. It was hard to find another of the same caliber. Q. How do you tell if you're in a redneck Amish neighborhood? A. By the dead horses on cinder blocks in the front yard. Q. What is worse than raining cats and dogs? A. Hailing taxicabs |
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