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Yuma Me - General Joke Page
Submit your joke here
An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for
several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed
up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball
court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed
up for swimming when it was built. One evening the
old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he
neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of
young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the
women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him,
"We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man
replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
"I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.
A fisherman carelessly dropped his wallet into
the water and was amazed to see a school of
carp deftly balancing the wallet on their noses
and tossing it from one fish to the other. "Gosh,"
exclaimed the fisherman, "That's the first time
I've ever seen "Carp to carp walleting!"
A man was wandering around a fairground and
he happened to see a fortune-tellers tent. Thinking
it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and
sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she
gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the
father of two children." "That's what you think",
the man laughed. I'm the father of THREE children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!"
During World War II Richard Wynn, on flight duty
with the 8th Air Force Division in Europe was shot
down and captured by the Germans. After a year
as prisoner of war, he escaped and made his way
back to his bomber group in England. One of his
first acts there was to hunt up the corporal on duty
in the parachute building. "Corporal," he said, "a
year ago I had occasion to use one of the parachutes
that your men had packed and I want you to know
how delighted I was to find it in perfect working order.
I give you my deepest compliments and appreciation."
"You know, Lieutenant, funny thing," the corporal
replied. "In this work we never get any complaints."
A certain band director was standing outside on
a metal ladder during a concert, when a thunderstorm
broke out. Amazingly, he wasn't hit by lightning, but
the music was awful - it seems he just wasn't a very
A college student in a philosophy class was taking
his first examination. On the paper there was a single
line which simply said: "Is this a question? Discuss."
After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then
this is an answer." The student received an "A" on the exam.
Jerry Garcia died. He wakes up and finds himself on
a stage on which a number of instruments are set up.
A door offstage opens and in walk Jimi Hendrix, Jim
Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding,
and Buddy Holly. Each musician picks up his favorite
instrument and begins tuning up. He walks up to Jimi
and says, "Man, so this is what heaven is like." Jimi
looks at him and says, "Heaven? You think this is
heaven?" At that moment, Karen Carpenter walks in,
takes her seat behind the drums, and calls out, "Okay
guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four . . . "
A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.
Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.
Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.
Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.
Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?
A man who commutes to work everyday through the
Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co-workers recently
complained about what a pain it was. It was suggested
that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery
store and began putting away the groceries. The boy
opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all
over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken,"
the boy explained. "So I'm looking for the seal. I sure
hope he's okay."
Q. What kind of fence goes on strike?
A. A picket fence.
On a country road, a speeder hit and killed a dog. The
dog's owner stood nearby, a gun in his hand. The
speeder said, "Looks as if I killed your dog." "Sure
does." "I'm sorry. Was it a valuable dog?" "I wouldn't
say that." "Well, suppose I gave you a hundred dollars.
Would that be enough?" "Well, I don't know." "Two
hundred dollars. That should do it." "Sounds good."
The speeder reached into his pocket and came up
with the money. Pressing it into the man's hand, he
said, "I'm sorry I spoiled your plans to go hunting."
"I wasn't going hunting. I was heading out to the
woods to shoot that mangy dog."
Q. What do you call overly ambitious people from Taiwan?
A. Taipei Personalities
Once upon a time Old King Cole issued an order to his
cooks. "From now on," he decreed, "chopped cabbage
must be mixed with mayonnaise." To this day his
decree is known as Cole's Law
Q. What could happen if you swallowed a frog?
A. You might croak.
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient
wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close," the surgeon says. The patient grabs
his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own
incision." The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."
Farmer Ted had a problem arise when, upon preparing his
prize bull for market, the barn door slammed shut cutting
the tail off the bull. His prize bull was to be sold that very
day, yet now Farmer Fred couldn't whole sale him or retail him.
"When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.
Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way.
So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me."---Emo Phillips
Q. Do you know how long cows should be milked?
A. The same as short ones
Q. What do you call a single Korean flatfish's spirit?
A. A sole Seoul sole soul.
A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched
desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies were
running low when his camel died. Now on foot, he desperately
sought refuge from the heat, and, most importantly, a source
for water. Suddenly, he came across a vendor in the middle of
the desert. "Thank God I found you!" the man cried. "Please
help me. I'm in dire need of some water." "Well," said the
vendor, "I don't have any water. But would you like to buy
one of these fine ties." "What am I going to do with a tie?"
the man asked. "That's what I'm selling sir. If you don't like
it, I can't help you." The man left the vendor and walked
on for many more miles, praying each minute that he would
find refuge from the scorching sun. His eyes squinted a
bunch of times when he came across a restaurant in the
distance. Unable to comprehend a restaurant located in
the middle of the desert, he assumed the place was a
mirage, but decided to check it out anyway. As he approached
the door, his mouth opened in amazement, seeing that the
place actually existed. The doorman stopped him before he
entered. "Excuse me sir," the doorman said, "but you can't
come in here without a tie!"
"Nishiki Okimoto died yesterday. He was one of the primary
engineers who worked on the original VCR. His funeral service
will be at 12:00...12:00...12:00...12:00..."
A minister decided to do something a little different one
Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going
to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
"Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever
hymn that comes to your mind. The pastor shouted out, "Cross.. "
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The
Old Rugged Cross." The pastor hollered out "Grace." The
congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the
sound." The pastor said "Power." The congregation sang "There
is Power in the Blood.". The Pastor said "Sex." The congregation
fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously
began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then
all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old
87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."
An English professor announced to the class; "There are
two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the
other is cool." From the back of the room a voice called
out, "Yeah? So, what are the words?"
A man complained, "Doc, I've been to three other clinics
and none of them agreed with your diagnosis." The doctor
calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see
that I was right."
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through
the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from
the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran
and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it. When
the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened
for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth
Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while
longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's
backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept
listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned
on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the
crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens,
there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
Q. Why did the Amish couple get divorced?
A. He was driving her buggy.
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his
wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.
"How could you do this!" he demanded. "I don't know,"
she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the
dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the
Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that
dress. You should buy it.'" "Well," the pastor persisted,
"You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind
me, Satan!" "I did," replied his wife. "He said 'You look
great from here too.'"
Q. What do you call Mother Teresa now that she is in heaven?
A. Nun of the above.
Subject: mental health hotline
representative comes on the line.
the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If
you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
Q. After the flash on his camera malfunctioned, what did Satan get back from the drugstore?
A. Prints of darkness
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no
egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in
England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are
meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore
its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write
but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers
don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the
plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one
moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you
can make amends but not one amend, that you
comb through annals of history but not a single annal?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all
but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught,
why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what
language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses
that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and
drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a
fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise
guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee
be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are
alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day
and cold as hell another? Have you noticed that we
talk about certain things only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful
gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated,
gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those
people who ARE spring chickens or who would
ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the
unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a
form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock
goes off by going on. English was invented by people,
not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human
race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why,
when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind
up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of
his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register
my new invention. It's a folding bottle." "OK," says the clerk.
"What do you call it?" "A fottle, replies the inventor." "A fottle?
That's stupid! Can't you think of something else?" "I can think
about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk. "A farton", replies
the inventor. "That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!" "In
that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to hate the
name of my folding bucket."
During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to
see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing
feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd
you do that?" "I could tell you, sir", the magician answered,
"But then I'd have to kill you." After a short pause, the man
yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife."
Bill and Bob, longtime golfing buddies, were involved in
a match-play contest with the score "all-square" at the
18th tee. Bill slices his tee shot way left, and the ball
finally stops on the cart path. Meanwhile, Bob smashes
his first shot straight down the middle. "Oh well," says
Bill, "I should get a free drop from there." "Heck no,"
says Bob, "We play the ball as it lies." And so Bill did.
After dropping his opponent on the middle of the fairway,
Bill took the golf cart to his lie on the concrete path.
Sparks fly from the cart path, as Bill makes a few
aggressive practice swings. Finally, Bill hits the ball
off the cart path, leaving a miraculous shot only 3 feet
from the pin. As the two meet in the fairway, Bob
comments, "That was a great shot...what club did
you use?" "Your 6 iron," says Bill.
Baloney: Where some hemlines fall
Burglarize: What a thief sees you with.
Left Bank: What the robber did after his bag was full of cash.
Q. How do turtles communicate with each other?
A. With shell-phones
An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the
president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen
and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters
asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight. The chief
made a series of weird noises: "Screech, scratch, honk,
buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z..." Then he added in perfect English,
"Yes, I had a very nice flight." Another reporter asked,
"Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument
while you're in the area?" The chief made the same
noises: "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z..."
Then he said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House
and the Capitol Building." "Where did you learn to speak
such flawless English?" asked the next reporter. The chief
replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z...
From the short-wave radio."
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You
must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the
farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow
said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other
forty." And God agreed. On the second day God created
the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house
and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will
give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said,
"That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and
I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed. On
the third day God created the monkey. God said,
"Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh.
I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said,
"How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think
so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too,
okay?" And God agreed again. On the forth day God
created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said,
"What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my
twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back,
that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've
got a deal." So that is why the first twenty years we eat,
sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years
we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten
years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren;
and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone. Life has now been explained.
Q. Where do pencils come from?
Q. What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A. A Roamin' Catholic
The decision to carry heart defibrillators on airplanes saved a passenger's life on a Dallas flight. Unfortunately, his HMO only covers coronaries on round trip flights purchased 14 days in advance with a Saturday stay over.
Hah Tu Spek Suthun....
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage:"My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of
Florida. Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from
Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my
brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh
doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor. Usage: "If you don't stop reading these
Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of
mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks
don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are
willing to fight for our rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ...
must be from some farn country."
JU-HERE - a question. Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach
Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New
York City ... view?"
Q. Why do barbers make good drivers?
A. Because they know all the short cuts.
"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out
of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot."
Q. What did one pregnant doe say to another?
A. Time flies when you're having fawn
Q. What did one math book say to the other?
A. I've got problems.
His first grade teacher asked Little Bennie, "Bennie if I gave you
two bunnies, and then two more bunnies and then two more bunnies,
how many would you have?" Bennie replied, "Seven bunnies, Miss
Johnson." The teacher asked again, "Listen closely, Bennie, If I
gave you two bunnies, plus two more bunnies, plus two more
bunnies, how many bunnies would you have all together?" Bennie
smiled, "That's easy, Teacher, I would have seven." "Ok Bennie,"
Miss Johnson said. "Let's try it a different way. If I gave you two
cans of Coke, plus two more cans of Coke, plus two more cans
of Coke. How many cans of Coke would you have?" "Six cans,"
Bennie answered. "OK," said the teacher. "Now think of that
with this question. If I gave you two bunnies, then two more
bunnies, then two more bunnies, how many would you have?"
"Seven." Bennie replied. Exasperated, Miss Johnson asked,
"Why seven?" Bennie replied, "Because I already have one
bunny at home!"
Q. What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis?
A. A hoarse doctor.
Q. Why should you never lie to an x-ray technician?
A. Because they can see right through you.
A pig walked into a bar and asked, "Do you serve root beer?"
The bartender said he did. "I'd like one, please," the pig said.
After the pig had finished, he asked to use the rest room. After
the pig left, another pig came in and asked for two root beers.
This pig then asked for the rest room just like the first one had.
Two more pigs came in. One ordered three root beers and the
other four. They, too, used the rest room. When a fifth pig came
in, the bartender thought he'd get cute. "Let me guess, you
want five root beers." The pig was shocked. "Why, yes. Yes, I
would." When he was done, he started to walk out. The bartender
was confused. "Don't you want to use the rest room like the other
four pigs did?" "No, I'm the fifth little piggy. I go wee-wee-wee all
the way home."
Q. When Pavarotti got his first big break, what was it called?
A. A Grand Opera-tunity
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you
talk!" exclaims the bartender. "I see your ears are working,"
says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich,
please?" "Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that,
it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you
doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site
across the road," explains the duck. So the duck drinks
his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues
for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the
bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck. "
Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see
me." So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.
The bartender says, "Hey, Mr. Duck, I lined you up with
a top job paying really good money!" "Yeah?" says the
duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus" says
the bartender. "The circus?" the duck asks. "That's right,"
replies the bartender. "The circus? That place with the big
tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with
the hole in the middle?" asks the duck. "That's right!"
says the bartender. The duck looks confused and asks:
"What the heck do they want with a plasterer?"
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when
the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead
police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord,
forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer,
he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling." The officer
then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No,
officer; I was not gambling." Turning to the rabbi, the officer
again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging
his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but
couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye,
she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen
and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't
even make eye contact." "Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you
wanted more coffee."
One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife
had served. "What did you marinate this in?" he asked. His wife
immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves
him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc. Eventually,
his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question
of her own, "What did you ask me?" She chuckled at his answer
and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!"
As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?"
Without hesitation, she said, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
It was the late 1600s in Philadelphia when Quakers were routinely
arrested for civil disobedience. At the time, William Penn's mother
and two of her sisters owned a successful Quaker business, a
bakery. The women increased the price of their pies, specifically
donating the money to support the legal expenses of their Quaker
friends. Many in the town objected to paying the price increase on
political grounds, and there were extensive and public debates
about the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
Q. Why do elephants have trunks?
A. Because they would look really silly with glove compartments
When the bookie asked the veteran horse player the secret
of his consistent success, the gambler provided a simple
explanation. "I'm just lucky, I guess. I turn to the racing page,
close my eyes and stick a pin in it," he said. "Lucky!" the
bookie exclaimed in disbelief. "But how did you pick this
four-horse combination?" "Well," the gambler admitted,
"I didn't have a pin, so I used a fork."
Q. What do you get when you cross an owl with a goat?
A. A hootenanny.
Q. Do you know why redneck murder mysteries are so hard to solve?
A. The DNA is all the same and there are no dental records.
I bought a circus and got a fair deal. I ran into problems right away:
the truck driver refused to tow the lion; the lion ate a clown but it
tasted funny; and there was a huge fire and the heat was in tents.
The human cannonball got fired. It was hard to find another of the
Q. How do you tell if you're in a redneck Amish neighborhood?
A. By the dead horses on cinder blocks in the front yard.
Q. What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
A. Hailing taxicabs
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