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Yuma Me - General Joke Page

 

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Page 24 Lists Page
Attorney Jokes Blonde Jokes Holiday Jokes Lists Page

 

Submit your joke here


A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of
a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!"
and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby.
"Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum. 
They were arguing over the fact that their new gum was too hard
and brittle and didn't have the right consistency. One of the inventors
kept arguing that they simply had to add more liquid to their primary
secret ingredient, code named "Yewin".  The other man argued adamantly. 
"No, No, No!  It's not wetter Yewin that counts...it's how you ply the gum!

So there's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was
going fine except that occasionally certain hooligans, taking
advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot.  This
continued until he put up the  following sign:  "This parking space
belongs to the Wizard.  ...Violators will be toad."

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person
confesses to adultery, I'll quit!"  Since everyone liked him, they
decided to use a code word: "fallen."  From then on, anyone
who had committed adultery said they had "fallen."  This
satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything
was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at
the ripe old age of 93.  He was replaced by a much younger priest.  
Before long, he showed up at the Mayor's office.  The priest was
quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this
town.  You wouldn't believe how many people have mentioned that they've
fallen."  The mayor laughed, realizing that no one had filled the new priest
in on the code word.  The priest shook his finger at him.  "I don't know why
you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"

One day O'Leary decided to visit his friend Paddy and ask him for a
favour. "Paddy my friend", he said. "I'm going on holiday for a few
weeks an I wanted to know if you could come around a couple a
times a day to check up on me elderly ma, an feed me cat".  So
the next day O'Leary left and headed for sunny Florida. However,
after a week of him being there, he received a phone call from Paddy.
"Everything's ok over here", Paddy said.  "Except you're cat. It's dead"!  
"oly ell", replied O'Leary. "You could have been a bit more sensitive Paddy"!
"What do you mean?", replied Paddy.  "Well, one day you could have
rang me up and told me that my cat has climbed the tree.
The next day you could tell me that it has gone even higher up the tree
and refuses to come down. On the third day you could tell me that the cat
lost its grip and fell from the tree and had to be taken to the vets because
of a broken leg. Then on the fourth day you could have told me
that it died peacefully in the vet clinic", explained O'Leary. So Paddy
apologised and another week went by, when one day O'Leary got another
phone call, it was Paddy again.  "All right O'Leary", he said. "Everything's
ok here, except your ma - She's climbed the tree and refuses to come down"!

A man goes on a public tour of the White House and asks to see
President Clinton. The Marine on duty tells the guy that Clinton
isn't President.   The man goes away.  The next day he comes
back to the White House and asks to see President Clinton.
The marine on duty again tells the guy that Clinton is not the
President.   The man goes away.  The next day he comes back
again, and again the same Marine is on duty  The man asks to
see President Clinton again.  Finally fed up with this guy, the
marine shouts - "WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING HERE ASKING
FOR HIM?  CLINTON IS NOT THE PRESIDENT ANYMORE!"  
The man smiles happily and says, "I know, I just like hearing it."

Equal time for the opposition:

As Enron was going down, Chairman Ken Lay was desperately
trying to raise cash.  In a meeting with top bankers, Lay presented
a list of all the collateral they had for a new loan.  There were
pipelines, contracts, receivables, a half-built plant in India--quite a list.
But the bankers told him it wasn't enough.  "Isn't there ANYTHING
else you own which is fully paid for, that you can put up?

And no one has seen Dick Cheney since...

A guy buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Valentines. A friend,
on hearing this, asks him "Didn't you say she wanted one of those
sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles?" "Yes I did," said the man.

"But just where the hell was I going to find a fake Jeep?!"

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood,
so for public safety, he was committed. He's put into a room with another guy.  
The resident doctor goes in to see his new patient.  The guys replies, "Doc, I
don't know... I'm perfectly sane!  There must be some misunderstanding."  
The doctor then asks the other man "Why are you here?"  "I am John The
Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"

The first guy looks at him and yells, "I did not!"

A termite walks into a bar and asks: "Is the bartender here?"
Q. What did the Buddhist say to the pizza maker?
A. "Make me one with everything."

Q. What do you get when you cross poison ivy and a four-leaf clover?
A. A rash of good luck.

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender
promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Q: What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: A cat has its claws at the end of its paws and a comma
has it's pause at the end of a clause.

Q:What would happen if Satan lost his hair?

A:There would be hell toupee.

Q. How do you make a slow reindeer fast?

A. Don't feed it!

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him.... what?

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Old Indian, standing on the corner. Good-lookin' woman passes by,
on the way to work. The Indian raises his hand in greeting, and says,
"Chance!" The same happens several days in a row. Woman walks past,
The Indian raises his hand, and says, "Chance!"   Finally, one day, she
can't ignore it any longer, stops, and asks, "You're an Indian, aren't you?"
He nods. She says, "I always thought Indians said 'How!' as a greeting."
Indian says, "Already know 'how'. Just want 'chance'."

A college student was in a philosophy class, which had a discussion
about God's existence. The professor presented the following logic:
"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke. "Has anyone
in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke. "Has anyone in
this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he
simply stated, "Then there is no God." One student thought for a
second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear
this bold student's response, the professor granted permission,
and the student stood up and asked the following questions of
his classmates: "Has anyone in this class heard our professor's
brain?" Silence. "Has anyone in this class touched our professor's
brain?" Silence. "Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"
When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded,
"Then,according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our
professor has no brain!"

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Q. Why do firemen wear red suspenders?

A. To hold their pants up!!

A guy with three eyes, no arms, and one leg is hitchhiking.
A British guy pulls over, rolls down the window, and says, "Aye,
aye, aye! You look 'armless! 'op in!"

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first
person he sees asking, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers
"241." "That is wonderful," says Albert, "We will talk about the Grand
Unification theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have
much to discuss." Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and
asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the lady answers "144." "That is
great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs.
We will have much to discuss." Albert then goes to another person
and asks, "What is your IQ?" and the man answers, "51." Albert
responds, "Any interesting cases scheduled on the docket?"

Al and Joe are bungee jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You know,
we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service
in Mexico." Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money
and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are
constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more
people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was
such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.
So Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up
Joe notices thathe has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able
to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This
time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again and
bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up-he's got a
couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Joe finally catches
him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely
able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd.
What the hell is a piñata?"

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted
to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of
my life"? "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of
silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious
is my condition? This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS."

Q: What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert?

A: Lost

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf,
when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes
the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back
to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,
honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy
and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to
the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around
screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window
and now she's all dead." "Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared
and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he
must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it,
so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause. "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

Q. Why did the pony have a sore throat?
   
A. Because he was a little horse.

Q. Why did they let the turkey join the band?
   
A. Because it had the drumsticks

In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town's
animal Vet. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.
An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?" "Well, do you
need him as the sheriff or the vet?" the wife asked. "Both!" was the
reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

Q: Why didn't the baby goose believe anything his father said?

A: He thought it was all papagander.

Q: How do you make holy water?

A: First, you boil the hell out of it. Then, you freeze it
and make pope-cicles.

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received,
so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If
I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you
take off?" he asked her. The secretary replied, "Everything
but my earrings."

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men,
showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average
only 15,000 words a day, where as women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband that
women use twice as many words as men because they
have to repeat everything they say. His response? "What?"

Q:What did the rope say after it got tangled?

A:Oh, no, knot again!

Two atoms are walking down the street. One says, "I think I lost
an electron. Yes, I'm positive."

Q) Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?

A: The sailors were marooned!

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he
advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially
their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed
that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales,
which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the
Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales
pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new
recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle
and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your
beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle
and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded,"which bunch do you think they are
going to send into battle first?"

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his
skills to the impresario. "I have the most unusual act," he announces.
"I'm sure it will amaze you." He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and
jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars.
Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.
The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says,
"Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death,"
says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does
it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says
the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all
your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go.
You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.
How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says
the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me,
so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to
the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the
basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the
second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast
as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive
heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head.
"That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the
first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer,
we'd both still be alive!"

Doctor to elderly patient: "Mr. Smith, that last check you
gave me came back."
Patient: "Then we're even, Doc. So did my arthritis."

One day two carrots were walking down the street. They were
the best of friends. Just as they started to step off the curb a
car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over.
The unhurt carrot cradled his buddy, telling him over and over again
hospital. His friend rode with him. Once at the hospital the
uninjured carrot paced back and forth in the He walked over to
the distraught carrot and said "I have good news and I have
bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to live.
The bad news is that he is going to be a vegetable all his life".

Moods of a Woman

An angel of truth, and a dream of fiction, a woman is a bundle of contradiction.

She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, but will tackle her man alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose.

She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk, she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.

At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad, she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

Moods of a Man
horny
sleepy
hungry

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left
her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the
nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a
chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She
seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways
in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her
and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she
slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back
and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.
Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to
her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

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