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As he was quietly watching television at home, a chap hears a

sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate.

Seeing it was a fair sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home

he promptly calls up the local zoo authorities to inform them

one of their animals had escaped.  He is reassured that a gorilla

recovery unit is on the way and is told to remain calm.  A few

minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla

recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the house. The

elderly driver proceed to recover from the back of the truck,

a chihuaha dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat

and a 12 gauge shotgun.  Puzzled on how this lone elderly

was to solve the problem of this gorilla who had by now torn

half the roof apart, the chap asks him how he will go about

doing this.  As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun,

the zoo employee explains the plan:

- First I'll climb up there with the ladder;

- Then I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using

the baseball bat;

- As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained

chihuaha dog will attack its private parts;

- When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered

it's hands to it's groin area to protect itself thus making it easy

for me to slip on the handcuffs;

- Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo...

Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner, 'asks

why he was handed the 12 gauge shotgun?  "Well... " explains the

experienced gorilla retriever, It's just a precaution should things not

go exactly as planned.  In the unlikely event that once on the roof

the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat -

Shoot the dog...


A woman was teaching her kindergarten class when she noticed a
little boy at the back of the class squirming around, scratching his
crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was
going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just
recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. She told him to go
down to the principal's office, phone his mother and ask her what he
should do about it. He did, and returned to class. Suddenly, there was
a huge commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate
only to find him sitting at his desk with his privates hanging out. "I thought
I told you to call your mom!!!" the teacher shouted. "I did," he said, "Mom
told me if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up!"


The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and
off they spin to OZ. After weathering trials and tribulations,
they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before
the Great Wizard. Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:
"I've come for some courage." "NO PROBLEM!" says
the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?" Ronald Reagan steps
forward, "Well.., I... think I need a brain." "DONE" says
the Wizard. WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT
AND POWERFUL OZ?" Up steps George Bush sadly,
"I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD ITS TRUE," says the Wizard. "CONSIDER
IT DONE." Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill
Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't
say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO
YOU WANT?"

"Is Dorothy here?"


If you had bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one 

year ago, it would now be worth $49. With Enron, 

you would have $16.50 of the original $1000. With 

Worldcom, you would have less than $5 left. If you 

had bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not 

the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then 

turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit in some 

states, you would have $214.  Based on the above, 

my current investment advice is to stick to drinking 

and recycle.


Q.  After the flash on his camera malfunctioned, 

what did Satan get back from the drugstore?

A.  Prints of darkness


Q.  What do garden seeds and hinges have in common?

A.  They both propagate.


This inveterate gambler is always spending money on gambling.

Every dime that he gets he blows in Vegas or at the racetrack.
One day his wife gets very ill, and she gets rushed to the hospital.
The man goes to his friend. "You've gotta help me," he pleads, "I
need some money to pay for these hospital bills." His friend
refuses. "I'm not going to give you money. You'll just blow it betting
on the horses." "No, I won't! I promise!" says the gambler.
"I've got money for the horses!"

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?"
But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"  
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth
because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the
Garden of Eden in a Fury."  But in Psalm 83, the Almighty
clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the
Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify
them with your Storm."  Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks,
because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's
horn sounds a long blast." Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a
Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in
St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd,
"For I did not speak of my own Accord." Meanwhile, Moses rode
an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of
Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills." Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a

hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." 

And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda:

"The Apostles were in one Accord."


A boy scout, The smartest man in the world, the President
of the United States and the Pope were on a flight when
the pilot announced that the plane was going to crash and
that there was only four parachutes and he was taking one
and jumped. The smartest man in the world said "I'm the
smartest man in the world, people need me" so he took
a parachute and he jumped. The President of the United
States said "I'm the President of the United States, my
country is depending on me" so he took a parachute and
he jumped. The Pope looked at the boy scout and said
"Son, I've lived a long time, I know that I will be with God,
you take the last parachute". The boy scout replied "we
can both jump, the smartest man in the world took my
knapsack".


Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He
watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his
hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a
few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"
"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses." Johnny looked
worried and said, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"
"Why?" said his father. "Because the mailman stopped by
yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"


"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said.

"Where is he?"  "Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as

much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If  he

knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."


Q: What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?

A: A cereal killer

Q: Why do you find ghosts hanging around liquor stores?

A: That's where they get their boo's!

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and
buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am," said
the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue
you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home,"
responded the Amish lady. "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am.
I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back
and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse.
Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the
cop. Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about
her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"
asked Jacob. "He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady.
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob.
"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake"...

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no
one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could
see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so.
The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the
newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get
him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old
what he thought of the baby. The little boy responded: "He
shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."
A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their

60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said
that because they had been such a loving couple all those years,
she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel
around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the
tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for
a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years
younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and boom!
He was 90............
A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative

in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty
co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line,
"Where does you go to school?" The coed, of course, was not overly
impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his
question. "Yale," she replied. The UA student took a big, deep breath
and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly
loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up,
but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the
soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter.
They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot.
So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave
out a missile, and the pilot regains control. He pulls out of
the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep
and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the
road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says
"A pistol hit me on the head!" They drive more and meet
another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why
and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!" They apologize
and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's
laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?"
The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show
everyone he means business! The CEO, walks up to the guy and asks
-"and how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young
fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams -
"here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around
the room and asks - "does anyone want to tell me what that slacker
did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters -
"He was the pizza delivery guy".
Hillary Clinton dies and goes to heaven. As she stands in front

of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she sees a HUGE wall of clocks
behind St. Peter. She asks, "What are the reasons for all
those clocks?" St. Peter answers, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands
on your clock will move." "Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating
that she has never told a lie in all her long life." "And whose clock
is that?", said Hillary. "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
have only moved twice, telling us that Honest Abe only told 2 lies
in his entire life." "Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asks. "Bill's clock
is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Equal time provision
George W. Bush walks into a restaurant in Washington DC
with his wife Laura. The waiter approaches the table and asks for
his order. ''I'll have your biggest, juiciest London Broil,'' answers
the President. ''But sir, what about the mad cow?!!'' asks the waiter.
''Oh,'' answers Dubya, ''she'll order for herself.''
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas.

She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims,
"What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know ...
why don't you play your age?"
He walks away and moments later, his attention is grabbed
by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking maybe
she'd won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way
through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with
the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator
replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and
36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class.
It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She
quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Bobby?" "Well teacher,
I just saw one of your garters." "Get out of my classroom," she yells,
"I don't want to see you for three days!" The teacher turns back to the
chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she
reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even
louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,
"What's so funny Billy?" "Well teacher, I just saw BOTH of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is
more severe, and tells him - "I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around
again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of laughter
from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving
the classroom. "And where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teach, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"
While crossing the US and Mexican border on his

bicycle, a man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two
sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the
guard. "Sand," said the cyclist. "Get them off - we'll take a look," said
the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving
they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his
shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same
thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which
again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months,
until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days
later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you
sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something
across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"

"Bicycles!"


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