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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 9
Submit your joke here As he was quietly watching television at home, a chap hears a sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home he promptly calls up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He is reassured that a gorilla recovery unit is on the way and is told to remain calm. A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the house. The elderly driver proceed to recover from the back of the truck, a chihuaha dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun. Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap asks him how he will go about doing this. As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explains the plan: - First I'll climb up there with the ladder; - Then I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat; - As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chihuaha dog will attack its private parts; - When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered it's hands to it's groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs; - Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo... Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner, 'asks why he was handed the 12 gauge shotgun? "Well... " explains the experienced gorilla retriever, It's just a precaution should things not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat - Shoot the dog... A woman
was teaching her kindergarten class when she noticed a
The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and "Is Dorothy
here?"
If
you had bought $1000 worth of Nortel
stock one year ago, it would now be
worth $49. With Enron, you would have
$16.50 of the original $1000. With Worldcom, you would have less than $5
left. If you had bought $1000 worth of
Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one
year ago, drank all the beer, then
turned in the cans for the 10 cent
deposit in some states, you would have
$214. Based on the above, my
current investment advice is to stick
to drinking and recycle. Q.
After the flash on his camera
malfunctioned, what did Satan A. Prints of darkness Q. What do garden seeds and hinges have in common? A. They both propagate. This inveterate gambler is always spending money on gambling. Every dime that he gets he blows in Vegas or at the racetrack. One day his wife gets very ill, and she gets rushed to the hospital. The man goes to his friend. "You've gotta help me," he pleads, "I need some money to pay for these hospital bills." His friend refuses. "I'm not going to give you money. You'll just blow it betting on the horses." "No, I won't! I promise!" says the gambler. "I've got money for the horses!"
Most people assume WWJD
is for "What would Jesus do?" hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda: "The Apostles were in one Accord." A boy scout,
The smartest man in the world, the President
Lil' Johnny attended
a horse auction with his father. He "I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?" "Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming." Q: What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A: A cereal killer Q: Why do you find ghosts hanging around liquor stores? A: That's where they get their boo's! An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish lady. "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the cop. Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob. "He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady. "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob. "I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake"... An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so. The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. The little boy responded: "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again." A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90............ A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?" The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied. The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?" A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control. He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!" They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!" They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!" A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! The CEO, walks up to the guy and asks -"and how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - "here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks - "does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters - "He was the pizza delivery guy". Hillary Clinton dies and goes to heaven. As she stands in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she sees a HUGE wall of clocks behind St. Peter. She asks, "What are the reasons for all those clocks?" St. Peter answers, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she has never told a lie in all her long life." "And whose clock is that?", said Hillary. "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Honest Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life." "Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asks. "Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." Equal time provision George W. Bush walks into a restaurant in Washington DC with his wife Laura. The waiter approaches the table and asks for his order. ''I'll have your biggest, juiciest London Broil,'' answers the President. ''But sir, what about the mad cow?!!'' asks the waiter. ''Oh,'' answers Dubya, ''she'll order for herself.'' A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know ... why don't you play your age?" He walks away and moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking maybe she'd won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!" A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Bobby?" "Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters." "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!" The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?" "Well teacher, I just saw BOTH of your garters." Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, and tells him - "I don't want to see you for three weeks!" Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "And where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well teach, from what I just saw, my school days are over!" While crossing the US and Mexican border on his bicycle, a man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard. "Sand," said the cyclist. "Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?" "Bicycles!" |
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