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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 6


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Page 23

Page 24 Lists Page
Attorney Jokes Blonde Jokes Holiday Jokes Lists Page


Submit your joke here

A woman approaches her priest and says to him, "Father, I
have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but
they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?",
the priest asked. "They only know how to say "Hi, we are
prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?" "That's
terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to
your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over
to my house and I will put them with my two male talking
parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then
my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible
phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
"Thank you." said the lady. So the next day, the lady brings
her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male
parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking
parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do
you want to have some FUN?" One male parrot looks over to
the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE BIBLES AWAY!

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink.  The

bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."  The

guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you

something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" 

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and

pulls out a hamster.  He puts the hamster on the bar and it

runs to the end of bar, down the bar,  across the room, up

the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin

songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says,

"You're right. I've never seen anything like that before.  That

hamster is truly good on the piano."  The guy downs the

drink and asks the bartender for another.  "Money or another

miracle else no drink", says the bartender.  The guy reaches

into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar,

and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great

pitch. A fine singer.  A stranger from the other end of the bar

runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.  The guy

says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the

stranger the frog.  The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender

says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut?  You sold a singing

frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!" 

"Not really", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

Once upon a time there was a town with a new church steeple
with a bell that nobody was able to ring. People came from
miles around to try it. One day a small fellow came up to the
priest and said 'I can do it'. The priest said 'Ok, try it.' The little
fellow went to the bell at the top of the steeple, took three steps
back and ran into the bell with his face. BONG!! The bell rang
and he was hired. One windy day as he took his three steps
back to ring the bell, the wind moved the bell. The little fellow
missed the bell and fell out of the steeple. He landed in the
middle of the plaza where people gathered to see what
happened. The priest came through the crowd and asked,
'Does anyone know this fellow's name?' Just then one person
yelled out, "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!"

Q.  Did you hear the joke about the sidewalk?


A.  It's all over town.

Q.  Did you hear the joke about the roof?


A.  Never mind. Itís over your head.

It was the first day of school and a new student named 

Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered 

the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by 

reviewing some American history. Who said "Give 

me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of 

lank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. 

"Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.  Very good! Who 

said 'Government of the people,  by the people, 

for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, 

no response except from Suzuki: Abraham Lincoln, 

1863.", said Suzuki.  The teacher snapped at the class, 

"Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to 

our country, knows more about its history than you do." 

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs." "Who said 

that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 

1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm 

gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! 

Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George 

Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."  Now f

urious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S**k this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and 

shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 

1997!" Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, 

"You little s**t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." 

Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary 

Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."  The teacher fainted. 

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the 

floor, someone said, "Oh s**t, we're in BIG trouble!  

....and Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001."

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first
man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third
was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your
stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and
a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. The Accountant said
his dog could do better, and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."
Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen
cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good. The Chemist said his dog
could do better still, so he called his dog and said, "Measure,
do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took
out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and
poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone
agreed that was great. The Government Worker called to his
dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!" Coffee Break jumped
to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper,
sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his
back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions,
put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave.
The first three gave up.

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down 

to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the 

last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't 

there if he can buy her a drink.  The bartender, who 

is used to weird university types, always shrugs but 

keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the 

mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea 

into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the 

bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid 

questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a 

woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist 

in asking out empty space?" The mathematician 

replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty 

space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into 

existence and vanish all the time. You never know 

when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl 

might suddenly appear there." The bartender raises his 

eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask 

one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could 

buy HER a drink? Never know --she might say yes."

The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how likely is 

THAT to happen?"

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a 

desolated area.  Luckily, a local farmer came to 

help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He 

hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, 

pull!" Buddy didn't move.  Then the farmer hollered, 

"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.  Once 

more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" 

Nothing.  Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, 

Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car 

out of the ditch.  The motorist was most appreciative 

and very curious. He asked  the farmer why he called 

his horse by the wrong name three times.  The farmer 

said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was 

the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

Q. What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad?

A. Lettuce alone without dressing

After their house burned down, Mary Ann called the insurance company. 

Mary Ann tells the insurance agent, "We had that house insured for one

hundred thirty thousand dollars and we want our money."  The agent replies,

"Whoa there, just a minute. It doesn't work quite like that.  We will ascertain

the value of your house and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." 

Mary Ann thought for a moment and then told the agent - "I'd like to cancel

the policy on my husband."

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.  The 

defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client 

commit this burglary?" "Yes," said Sam , "I saw him 

plainly take the goods." The lawyer asks Sam again, 

"Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw 

my client commit this crime?"  "Yes" says Sam, "I 

saw him do it."  Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam 

listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight probably

is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"  Sam says, 

"I can see the moon, how far is that?"

Definitions of words by gender...

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend
with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes
"look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun,
or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night.
The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus,
drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,
"Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights
out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize
that a "little tap" could scare him so much. The driver, after gathering
himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is
my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of 

it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, 

and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, 

dark eyes, and was short.  The father eventually 

took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he 

turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, 

be totally honest with me - is our youngest son 

my child?"  The wife replied, "I swear on everything 

that's holy that he is your son."  With that the 

husband passed away. The wife then was 

heard to say, "Thank God he didn't ask about 

the other three."

During a performance for the high school drama 

class at the local theatre, a hole was cracked 

in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to 

avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling 

bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the 

hole up to his knee. He apologized to the audience 

for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back 

of the theatre shouted: "Don't worry, Freddy! 

It's just a stage you're going through!"

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with 

a note of caution. "You don't want to try these 

techniques at home." "Why not?" asked 

someone in the audience.  "I watched my wife's 

routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. 

"She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove 

and table, often carrying just a single item. So 

I suggested, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying 

several things at once?'"  Another person asked, 

"Did it save time?" The expert replied, "Actually, 

it did. It used to take her twenty minutes to get 

breakfast ready...and now I do it in about ten."

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into
the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the
director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had
five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've
ever held." "Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you
said you wanted somebody with imagination.
"During a recent publicity outing, Senator Hillary snuck off to visit a

fortuneteller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room,
peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and
horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at
the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle,
then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to
compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the
fortuneteller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a

super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head
of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of
lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head,
only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the
manager and so he walked into the back room and said,
"There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half
a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned
around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly
added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager okayed the request and the man went on his
way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got
yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed
with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like
that around here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied,
"Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?"
inquired the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores
and hockey players up there." "My wife is from Minnesota",
exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied,"Really!
What team did she play for?"
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The

doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times
three?" "274" was his reply. The doctor worriedly says
to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man. The doctor sadly says
to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?
"Nine" says the third man. "That's great!" exclaims the doctor.
"How did you get that"? "Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says
the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New
York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore
we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. - OH MY!"


Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking
the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot
coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Source: GCFL

And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham
Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And
Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto
Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town
with thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied,
"I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send
messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling
you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the
drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." But his success
did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside
Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young
did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel
dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Drum Seekers,
or NERDS for short. And, lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the
new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed
that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother
William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land.
And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you
bought Brother William's drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham,
what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham
looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay,"
he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are." And
Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." Whoopee!"
said Abraham. "No,YAHOO!" said Dot Com.

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another
for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how
the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out
to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and
dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead!"

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the
morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls
over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?"
says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't
take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there,"
slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's
half past three. I was in bed," says the man, and he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she
says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke
down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby
sitter, and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started
again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But
the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the
wife. "He needs our help, and it would be the Christian thing to help
him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes
downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger
anywhere, shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a
voice cry out, "Yeah, please." Still unable to see the stranger he
shouts, "Where are you?"
  The drunk replies, "Over here on the swing."

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can
give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly
reaches out and slaps the man's face. "What the heck did you do
that for!?!" the man screams. "Well, you don't have the hiccups
anymore do you?" The man says, "No I don't, you IDIOT...
But my wife out in the car still does!"

One-liners, some old, some new........
What did Hitler use to tie his shoes?
Little Knotsies.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?

How many real estate agents does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten, but we'll accept eight.

How many surrealism artists does it take to change a light bulb?
A fish.

If you are born with two belly buttons, what do you do with the extra one?
Give it to the naval reserve.

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little
boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to the little boy,
"It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on
whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and
during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."
The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

Two guys were standing inside a building of a local theme park.
They were looking outside, and it was an extremely windy day.
The area's custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up
debris, was a very small woman (4'10"& 90 lbs) and she was
having a rough time trying to not be blown away. When she
asked her manager what she should do, he replied: "You have
a warm down jacket don't you? Well put rocks in all the pockets!"
Then a minister, who was standing nearby, suggested she say a little
prayer to ask the lord to lessen the wind. The park clown then
suggested she could kill two birds with one stone by saying the prayer
she said each night. He said, "you know, the one that goes:
'Now I weigh me down to sweep.'

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed
most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks
erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long
term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However
there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we
all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is
that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!"
Source: GCFL List

What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?
Men always miss both of them.
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology
over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be
driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of
10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that
weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas.
In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive
a car that crashes four times a day?"

Copyright © 1998 - 2011 by The Coburn Group, Sierra Madre. All logos, trademarks or product names mentioned or displayed herein are the property of their respective owners. All photographs and videos on this site Copyright 1998 - 2011, by Bill Coburn, Sierra Madre, CA unless otherwise noted Any reference to the City of Sierra Madre or Sierra Madre applies to the community of Sierra Madre and not the city government. The City of Sierra Madre, California government is not affiliated with Sierra Madre News.Net at this time. Any city government information provided herein has been previously published for public dissemination and is shown here as a public service of Sierra Madre News.Net without explicit permission of the government of the City of Sierra Madre.