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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 6
Submit your joke here A woman approaches her priest and says to him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?", the priest asked. "They only know how to say "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?" "That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." "Thank you." said the lady. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?" One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!" A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!" "Not really", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist." Once upon a time there was a town with a new church steeple with a bell that nobody was able to ring. People came from miles around to try it. One day a small fellow came up to the priest and said 'I can do it'. The priest said 'Ok, try it.' The little fellow went to the bell at the top of the steeple, took three steps back and ran into the bell with his face. BONG!! The bell rang and he was hired. One windy day as he took his three steps back to ring the bell, the wind moved the bell. The little fellow missed the bell and fell out of the steeple. He landed in the middle of the plaza where people gathered to see what happened. The priest came through the crowd and asked, 'Does anyone know this fellow's name?' Just then one person yelled out, "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!" Q. Did you hear the joke about the sidewalk?
A. It's all over town. Q. Did you hear the joke about the roof?
A. Never mind. It’s over your head. It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of lank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." He said. Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again,no response except from Suzuki: Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now f urious, another student yells,
"Oh yeah? S**k this!" shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little s**t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001." The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh s**t, we're in BIG trouble! ....and Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001." Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The
first
Every Friday afternoon,
a mathematician goes down
to the bar,
sits in the second-to-last seat, turns
to the
last seat, which is empty, and
asks a girl who isn't
there if he can
buy her a drink. The bartender,
who
is used to weird university types,
always shrugs but
keeps quiet. But when
Valentine's Day arrives, and the
mathematician makes a particularly
heart-wrenching plea
into empty space,
curiosity gets the better of the
bartender, and he says, "I
apologize for my stupid
questions, but
surely you know there is NEVER a
woman
sitting in that last stool. Why do you
persist
in asking out empty
space?" The mathematician
replies,
"Well, according to quantum
physics, empty
space is never truly
empty. Virtual particles come into
existence and vanish all the time. You
never know
when the proper wave
function will collapse and a girl
might
suddenly appear there." The
bartender raises his
eyebrows.
"Really? Interesting. But couldn't
you just ask
one of the girls who comes
here every Friday if you could
buy HER
a drink? Never know --she might say
yes." The mathematician laughs.
"Yeah, right -- how likely THAT to happen?" An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try." Q. What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? A. Lettuce alone without dressing After their house burned down, Mary Ann called the insurance company. Mary Ann tells the insurance agent, "We had that house insured for one hundred thirty thousand dollars and we want our money." The agent replies, "Whoa there, just a minute. It doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of your house and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." Mary Ann thought for a moment and then told the agent - "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband." An old man was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?" "Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods." The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?" "Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it." Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?" Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?" Definitions of words by gender... THINGY (thing-ee)
n. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel)
adj. COMMUNICATION
(ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. BUTT (but) n COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
n. ENTERTAINMENT
(en-ter-tayn-ment) n. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens)
n. MAKING LOVE
(may-king luv) n. REMOTE CONTROL
(ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New
York on a dark night. A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short. The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?" The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that the husband passed away. The wife then was heard to say, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three." During a performance for the high school drama class at the local theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee. He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted: "Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!" An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked someone in the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove and table, often carrying just a single item. So I suggested, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" Another person asked, "Did it save time?" The expert replied, "Actually, it did. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready...and now I do it in about ten." Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held." "Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination. "During a recent publicity outing, Senator Hillary snuck off to visit a fortuneteller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted? There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied,"Really! What team did she play for?" Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply. The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday" replies the second man. The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached
a Silence. Then, the captain
came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and A passenger in
Coach said: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" "Opened a can
of peas instead!"
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if
he can One-liners, some old, some new........ What did Hitler use to tie his shoes? Little Knotsies. What do you call
a fish with no eyes? How many Catholics
does it take to change a light bulb? How many real
estate agents does it take to change a light bulb? How many surrealism
artists does it take to change a light bulb? If you are born
with two belly buttons, what do you do with the extra one? Two guys were standing inside a building of a local theme park. They were looking outside, and it was an extremely windy day. The area's custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up debris, was a very small woman (4'10"& 90 lbs) and she was having a rough time trying to not be blown away. When she asked her manager what she should do, he replied: "You have a warm down jacket don't you? Well put rocks in all the pockets!" Then a minister, who was standing nearby, suggested she say a little prayer to ask the lord to lessen the wind. The park clown then suggested she could kill two birds with one stone by saying the prayer she said each night. He said, "you know, the one that goes: 'Now I weigh me down to sweep.' A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!" Source: GCFL List What do anniversaries and toilets have in common? Men always miss both of them. Source: JokesGalore.com Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50." "Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?" |
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