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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 7
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A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing,
the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young
man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems
and diseases going around. Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have
a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were
young did they?" Grandpa replies, "Nope." Teen says, "Well,
what did you guys use for safe sex?" Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."
A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third
in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break,
so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel
tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and
other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter
must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each
person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary.
The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year."
The angel says, "Okay, you may enter." He turns to the woman in line
and asks her about her life. She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney." The angel
thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too. He turns to the third one in
line and asks, "What have you done with your life?" The man replies,
"I earned $8,000 last year . . ." "Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?"
A man was praying to God. He said, "God!?" God
responded, "Yes?" And the guy said, "Can I ask a
question?" "Go right ahead," God said. "God, what
is a million years to you?" God said, "A million years
to me is only a second." "Hmmm," the man wondered.
Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to
you?" God said, "A million dollars to me is as a penny."
So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?" And God
cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....just a second."
So there are these two bees and one bee asks the other,
"Where can I get something to eat around here?" The second
bee replies, "Well, there is a Bar Mitzvah going on down the street,
about half a mile, should be plenty of flowers and pastries to eat."
The first bee thanks him and heads off to the party. A little while
later, the first bee returns, with a bloated belly and a yarmulke on
his head. He tells the second bee, "I found it, it was awesome!
So many fresh flowers, so many sweet pastries!" The second bee
asks him, "So what's with the yarmulke? Did you convert?" The first
bee replies, "I wore it so they wouldn't think I was a WASP."
A couple is in their bedroom. The man says, "Tonight I am going
to make you the happiest woman in the world." She responds, "I'll miss you."
Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.
Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.
Why won't melons run off to get married in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.
The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."
Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel?
The crowd had cornered a woman and was preparing to stone her.
Jesus raised his hand and spake, "Let he among you who is without
sin cast the first stone." From the back of the crowd a small woman
picked up a huge rock and staggered toward the poor victim. Jesus
pointed a finger at her and said, "Stop it MOM! I was just trying to make a point!"
Q. What did the clerk tell Snow White when she complained
that her photographs hadn't been developed yet?
A. Someday your prints will come
This guy comes home from work one day to find
his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth.
The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the
neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the
dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a
bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into
the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think
it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor
is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy
died?". The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. er..
no.. what happened?". The neighbor replies, "We just
found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing
is that the day after we buried him we went outside and
someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him
back into the cage. There must be some real sick people
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was
a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted
on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching." Moving
further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table
was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child
whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is
watching the apples."
Q. What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A. The same middle name......
If Men Really Ruled the World...
looking at your watch would be deemed an
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend
really needed to talk to you during the game,
would be a lot easier. A smack to the rear and a "Nice
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late,
but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable
At the end of
the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your
It'd be considered
harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned
remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Instead of an
expensive engagement ring, you could present your
Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off
be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the
Regis and Kathie
Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
The only show
opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night
When a cop gave
you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded
Q. Why are birds grouchy in the morning?
A. Because their bills are over dew.
An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren
and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching
finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal
coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over
within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his
eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your
grandmother's strudel." "No, grandfather, you are not dreaming.
Grandmother is baking strudel now." "I know I will never have
another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you
please go down and get me a sliver?" the old man begs with
gasping breath. One of the grandchildren is immediately
dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long
time, he returns empty-handed. "Did you bring me one last
piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man
plaintively queries? I'm very sorry, grandfather, she says
you can't have any - it's for the funeral!"
Q. What do you call a fly with no wings?
A. A walk.
A termite walks into a barroom and asks,
"Is the bar tender here?"
Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A. Because he had no guts!
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck!
Q. Why don't cannibals eat comedians?
A. Because they taste funny.
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
Q. Why are proctologists so gloomy?
A. They always have the end in sight.
Q. What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
A. Lots of room
Q. What does Mozart do now that he is dead?
A. He decomposes.
Q. Why do they put bells on cows?
A. Because their horns don't work!
This guy walks into a bar near a concert hall with an octopus under his
arm and says, "I'll bet any of you that my octopus can play any instrument
that you give him." Two guys bet fifty dollars each that the octopus can't
play their instruments. The first guy hands over his French horn and the
octopus starts to play it. The second guy hands over his tuba and sure
enough the octopus starts to play it. The bartender then walks into the
back room and comes back five minutes later with a set of bagpipes and
bets all the money in the drawer that the octopus wouldn't be able to play
it. He hands over the bagpipes to the octopus and waits. After about a
minute of watching the octopus run its tentacles over the bagpipe the
owner of the octopus says, "Come on now! Play it!" The octopus replies,
"What do you mean play it?! If I can figure out how to get the plaid pajamas
off of it, I'm gonna make love to it!"
What do you call a camel with no humps?
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first
Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "
Your Grace." The third Catholic mother says, "My
son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people
say, "Your Eminence." Since the fourth Catholic
woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three
women give her this subtle, "Well?" So she replies,
"My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer.
When he walks into a
room, people say, "Oh my
Jon was talking
to Larry. "So, Larry, how's
it going with the ladies?"
"Women, to me, are nothing but sex
"Yep," Larry shook his head.
"Whenever I mention sex, they
Jon was talking to Larry. "So, Larry, how's it going with the ladies?" "Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects." "Really?" "Yep," Larry shook his head. "Whenever I mention sex, they object."
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle,
when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How
much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said
the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher
asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding
the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled
on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The
preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to curse at it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I've been a minister for twenty-five years. I
don't even remember how to curse." The little boy looked at him happily
and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya.
Source: G-Jokes list
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the
overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore,
the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?" "Naw," the
man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" Feeling safe,
the tourist started swimming leisurely toward shore. About halfway there,
he called out again. "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do
nothin'," the beachcomber said. "Really?" asked the tourist. "Didn't
have to. The sharks got 'em!"
Grover from Sesame Street was driving a new bus route taking kids
to school. At the first stop, a plump young girl got on and he asked
her her name. "Patty" she said and took a seat. Next a disabled child
whom all the children called Special Ross stepped on, followed by a
little boy whose name was Lester Cheese. Lester took a seat in the
back and began picking his bunions. Next another chubby girl got on
and since Grover did not recognize her, he asked her name and was
told that she was also named Patty. As Grover drove to school he
looked in his rear view mirror and began to laugh as he realized what
he had --- two obese Pattys, Special Ross, Lester Cheese picking
bunions on a Sesame Street bus.
A man who was really getting behind in paying his bills finally
received the following note from one of his
creditors: "Dear Sir, Your account has been on our books for
over a year. We want to remind you that we have now
carried you longer than your mother did."
The bride lay in bed on the first night of their honeymoon while her
husband stood at the bedroom window, gazing at the stars. "Come
to bed, darling," she whispered after some time had passed.
"Not likely," replied the blonde groom - "my mother told me that
this would be the best night of my life and I'm not going to miss a minute of it!"
Q. If a chicken crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back, what is it?
A. A dirty double crosser.Q. What animal took the least luggage onto the ark?
A. The rooster. He took only his comb.
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "My dad taught me." "Good! Can you tell
me what comes after three." "Four," answers little Johnny.
"What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the
teacher. "Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says little Johnny.
Some Not As Well Known Facts of Life
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking
at an art
Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Anne opened a
letter from home and found a $10 bill inside. As she read the
letter she caught sight of a shabbily dressed stranger leaning
against a lamppost below. Quickly she wrote, "Don't despair,
Sister Anne" on a piece of paper, wrapped the $10 in it and
dropped it out the window. The stranger picked it up and,
with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off
down the street. The next day Sister Anne was told that
a man was at the door, insisting on seeing her. She went
down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he
handed her a roll of bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's
the 50 bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid five to one."
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