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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 7

 

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Page 24 Lists Page
Attorney Jokes Blonde Jokes Holiday Jokes Lists Page

 

Submit your joke here


A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing,

the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young

man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems

and diseases going around.  Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have

a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were

young did they?" Grandpa replies, "Nope."  Teen says, "Well,

what did you guys use for safe sex?" Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."


A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third

in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break,

so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven.  The angel

tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and

other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter

must now be a little stricter with the screening process.   Each

person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary.

The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year."

The angel says, "Okay, you may enter." He turns to the woman in line

and asks her about her life.  She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney." The angel

thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.  He turns to the third one in

line and asks, "What have you  done with your life?"  The man replies,

"I earned $8,000 last year . . ."  "Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?"


A man was praying to God.  He said, "God!?"  God 

responded, "Yes?"  And the guy said, "Can I ask a 

question?"  "Go right ahead," God said.  "God, what 

is a million years to you?"  God said, "A million years

 to me is only a second."  "Hmmm," the man wondered. 

Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to 

you?"  God said, "A million dollars to me is as a penny."  

So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?"  And God 

cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....just a second."


So there are these two bees and one bee asks the other,

"Where can I get something to eat around here?" The second

bee replies, "Well, there is a Bar Mitzvah going on down the street,

about half a mile, should be plenty of flowers and pastries to eat."

The first bee thanks him and heads off to the party.  A little while

later, the first bee returns, with a bloated belly and a yarmulke on

his head.  He tells the second bee, "I found it, it was awesome!

So many fresh flowers, so many sweet pastries!"  The second bee

asks him, "So what's with the yarmulke? Did you convert?"  The first

bee replies, "I wore it so they wouldn't think I was a WASP."


A couple is in their bedroom. The man says, "Tonight I am going

to make you the happiest woman in the world." She responds, "I'll miss you."


Hangover: The wrath of grapes.


Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.


A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.


Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.


Why won't melons run off to get married in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.


The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type.  Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."


Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel?

A: Dis-gruntled.


The crowd had cornered a woman and was preparing to stone her. 

Jesus raised his hand and spake, "Let he among you who is without

sin cast the first stone."  From the back of the crowd a small woman

picked up a huge rock and staggered toward the poor victim.  Jesus

pointed a finger at her and said, "Stop it MOM! I was just trying to make a point!"


 

Q. What did the clerk tell Snow White when she complained

that her photographs hadn't been developed yet?

 

A. Someday your prints will come


This guy comes home from work one day to find 

his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. 

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the 

neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the 

dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a 

bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into 

the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think 

it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor

is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy 

died?". The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. er.. 

no.. what happened?".  The neighbor replies, "We just 

found him dead in his cage one day.  But the weird thing 

is that the day after we buried him we went outside and 

someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him 

back into the cage. There must be some real sick people 

out there!"


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic  

elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was 

a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted 

on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching."  Moving 

further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table 

was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child 

whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is 

watching the apples."


Q.  What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

A.  The same middle name......


If Men Really Ruled the World...

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an
acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,
she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during
a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the rear and a "Nice
hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable
excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your
window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned
helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public
ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your
wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off
to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would
remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

"Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the
pursuing cops or to the crooks.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed
off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in
world history.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded
with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you
were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off.

...and finally...
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation!


Q.  Why are birds grouchy in the morning?

A.  Because their bills are over dew.


An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren

and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching

finale of a very long and productive life.  The old man in is a terminal

coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over

within the next twenty-four hours.  Suddenly, the old man opens his

eyes and croaks:  "I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your

grandmother's strudel."  "No, grandfather, you are not dreaming.

Grandmother is baking strudel now."  "I know I will never have

another taste of her delicious strudel after this one.  Could you

please go down and get me a sliver?" the old man begs with

gasping breath.  One of the grandchildren is immediately

dispatched to honor the old man's last request.  After a long

time, he returns empty-handed. "Did you bring me one last

piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man

plaintively queries?  I'm very sorry, grandfather, she says

you can't have any - it's for the funeral!"


Q.  What do you call a fly with no wings?

A.  A walk.

 

A termite walks into a barroom and asks,

"Is the bar tender here?"

 

Q.  Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

A.  Because he had no guts!

 

Q.  What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A.  A nervous wreck!

 

Q.  Why don't cannibals eat comedians?

A.  Because they taste funny.

 

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."

"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

 

Q.  Why are proctologists so gloomy?

A.  They always have the end in sight.

 

Q.  What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?

A.  Lots of room

 

Q.  What does Mozart do now that he is dead?

A.  He decomposes.

 

Q.  Why do they put bells on cows?

A.  Because their horns don't work!


This guy walks into a bar near a concert hall with an octopus under his

arm and says, "I'll bet any of you that my octopus can play any instrument

that you give him."   Two guys bet fifty dollars each that the octopus can't

play their instruments.  The first guy hands over his French horn and the

octopus starts to play it.  The second guy hands over his tuba and sure

enough the octopus starts to play it.   The bartender then walks into the

back room and comes back five minutes later with a set of bagpipes and

bets all the money in the drawer that the octopus wouldn't be able to play

it. He hands over the bagpipes to the octopus and waits.  After about a

minute of watching the octopus run its tentacles over the bagpipe the

owner of the octopus says, "Come on now! Play it!"  The octopus replies,

"What do you mean play it?! If I can figure out how to get the plaid pajamas

off of it, I'm gonna make love to it!"


Q.  What do you call a camel with no humps?

A.  Humphrey


Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.  The first 

Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest.  

When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." 

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop.  

Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "

Your Grace."  The third Catholic mother says, "My 

son is a cardinal.  Whenever he walks into a room, people 

say, "Your Eminence." Since the fourth Catholic 

woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three 

women give her this subtle, "Well?"  So she replies, 

"My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer.  

When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"


Jon was talking to Larry.  "So, Larry, how's it going with the ladies?"  "Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects."  "Really?"  "Yep," Larry shook his head. "Whenever I mention sex, they object."


A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle,
when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How
much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said
the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher
asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding
the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled
on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The
preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to curse at it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I've been a minister for twenty-five years. I
don't even remember how to curse." The little boy looked at him happily
and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya.
Source: G-Jokes list

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the
overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore,
the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?" "Naw," the
man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" Feeling safe,
the tourist started swimming leisurely toward shore. About halfway there,
he called out again. "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do
nothin'," the beachcomber said. "Really?" asked the tourist. "Didn't
have to. The sharks got 'em!"

Grover from Sesame Street was driving a new bus route taking kids
to school. At the first stop, a plump young girl got on and he asked
her her name. "Patty" she said and took a seat. Next a disabled child
whom all the children called Special Ross stepped on, followed by a
little boy whose name was Lester Cheese. Lester took a seat in the
back and began picking his bunions. Next another chubby girl got on
and since Grover did not recognize her, he asked her name and was
told that she was also named Patty. As Grover drove to school he
looked in his rear view mirror and began to laugh as he realized what
he had --- two obese Pattys, Special Ross, Lester Cheese picking
bunions on a Sesame Street bus.

A man who was really getting behind in paying his bills finally

received the following note from one of his

creditors: "Dear Sir, Your account has been on our books for

over a year. We want to remind you that we have now

carried you longer than your mother did."


The bride lay in bed on the first night of their honeymoon while her

husband stood at the bedroom window, gazing at the stars.  "Come

to bed, darling," she whispered after some time had passed.

"Not likely," replied the blonde groom - "my mother told me that

this would be the best night of my life and I'm not going to miss a minute of it!"


Q.  If a chicken crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back, what is it?

A.  A dirty double crosser.

Q.  What animal took the least luggage onto the ark?

A.  The rooster. He took only his comb.


The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. 

"Yes," he said. "My dad taught me." "Good! Can you tell 

me what comes after three." "Four," answers little Johnny. 

"What comes after six?"  "Seven."  "Very good," says the 

teacher. "Your father did a good job.  What comes after ten?" 

"A jack," says little Johnny.


Some Not As Well Known Facts of Life

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.


A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art
exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary
painting caught her eye. "What on earth," she inquired of the artist
standing nearby, "is that?" He smiled condescendingly. "That, my
dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child." "Well, then,"
snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"


A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their
wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was
a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put
these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her
body. "I can't wear your pants,"she said. "That's right," said the
husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man and I wear the
pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said,
"Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them
on as far as his kneecaps. "Heck," he said, "I can't get into your
panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be
until your attitude changes!"
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this
morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to
confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say
more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute,
listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I
was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the
car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car
keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving
a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about
three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to
the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and
all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued,
"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register
drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the
phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head
on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against
a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it...half of them
hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with
no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife.
She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and
believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this

big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep,” says one. "Sure does...
toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is,” says the
other. They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in
and wait … no noise. "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here,
throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those
should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-sized
rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait.
Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a
determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the
weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When
we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in.
Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby
woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward
the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs
will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The
two men are astonished with what they've just seen. Then, out
of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles
over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You
bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy
and just jumped into this hole!" "Nah", says the farmer, "That
couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Anne opened a
letter from home and found a $10 bill inside. As she read the
letter she caught sight of a shabbily dressed stranger leaning
against a lamppost below. Quickly she wrote, "Don't despair,
Sister Anne" on a piece of paper, wrapped the $10 in it and
dropped it out the window. The stranger picked it up and,
with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off
down the street. The next day Sister Anne was told that
a man was at the door, insisting on seeing her. She went
down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he
handed her a roll of bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's
the 50 bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid five to one."

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