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Some of the humor on this page may be a little grown up, or too politically incorrect for some viewers. If you are under 18, go back to the main joke page , or if you think you may be offended, just don't look.
Submit your joke here
Great Bumper Stickers....
1) God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
2) I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
3) I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
4) Keep honking while I reload.
5) Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
6) Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
7) 5 days/week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
8) EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
9) Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
10) If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
11) If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
12) Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
13) My wife complains I never listen to her...or something like that.
14) Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a Native American!
15) If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
16) Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened .
Stupid Things Actually Said By Commentators In The World Of Soccer...
1. Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.
2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.
3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.
4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.
5. Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.
6. If that had gone in, it would definitely have been a goal.
7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.
8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win.
9. If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.
10. You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.
Actual Excerpts from Medical Charts
Top 10 Things Bible Moms Might Have Said...
20 Great T-shirt
Reasons It's Good To Be A Single Man:
What Hollywood Teaches Us
> It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a
fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently
to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening
manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
> Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally
gunned down three days before their retirement.
> All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit
level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.
> At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
> Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.
> All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
> Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses,
pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks,
which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.
> You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
> A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating,
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
> If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
> If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.
> Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn
the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
> All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts
so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always
blindly choose to cut the right wire.
> A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
> Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they
are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
Cancer cures smoking.
Eat beans, not beings.
I'm pro-life jacket -- and I boat.
Thank you for not being perky.
I fought the lawn and the lawn won.
Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
The more things change the more they remain insane.
Those who abandon their dreams will discourage yours.
DARE to keep cops off donuts.
I think you left the stove on.
List of Famous Last Words....
He's probably just hibernating.
What does this button do?
It's probably just a rash.
Are you sure the power is off?
The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
Pull the pin and count to what?
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
I wonder where the mother bear is.
I've seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
Let it down slowly.
It's strong enough for both of us.
This doesn't taste right.
I can make this light before it changes.
I can do that with my eyes closed.
I've done this before.
Well, we've made it this far.
Don't be so superstitious.
Now watch this.
When Headlines Go Bad (Actual Headlines)
* Deer Kill 17,328
* New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
* Woman Improving After Fatal Crash
* Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty
* Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
* Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty
* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
* Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
* After Detour to California, Shuttle Returns to Earth
* Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
* Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found
* Publicize Your Business Absolutely Free! Just send $6.00.
Women's Bumper Stickers
SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.
GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?
NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES
AND YOUR POINT IS?
WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.
IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.
DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
List of how Real Men differ from Most Men
Real Men.....put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Most Men...pretend you're not there when their moms call.
Real Men.....claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Most Men...claim to be feminists because they let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.
Real Men.....know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Most Men...are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.
Real Men.....really know how to make you relax.
Most Men...really know how to make you laugh.
Real Men.....read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Most Men...read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.
Real Men.....make a lot of money before they are 30.
Most Men...make a lot of mistakes before they are 30.
Real Men.....wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Most Men...wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.
Real Men.....think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.
Most Men...think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.
Real Men.....balance their checkbooks.
Most Men...balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.
Real Men.....have an internist, a tailor and an accountant.
Most Men...have a barber, a bartender and a mechanic.
Real Men.....are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Most Men...are afraid of becoming Real Men.
Real Men.....start their own businesses.
Most Men...quit their jobs.
Real Men.....order wine based on more than the price.
Most Men...bring their own beer.
Source: GJokes list
A first grade teacher had her students finish these
well known proverbs in their own words.
Better To Be Safe Than. .. Punch A 5th Grader.
Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of.. Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?
Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.
No News Is... Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust... Me!
The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There is... Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.
Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh & The Whole World Laughs With You, .....Cry & You Have To Blow Your Nose.
None Are So Blind As... Helen Keller.
Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Edie.
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear Dad Say.....
10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have
to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll
be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude.
I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's
not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might
want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of
those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something.
Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring.
Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for
you to spend. Here's $100.
1. What do I want for Father's day? Aahh -- don't worry about that.
It's no big deal. (Okay, he might say it, but he doesn't mean it!)
Source: GCFL list.
I've seen this list of Lincoln/Kennedy coincidences since I was a little kid,
but never with the (PG-13) punch line found at the end of this one
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost a child while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theatre named Kennedy.
Kennedy was shot in a Lincoln car.
Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.
Both Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker.
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
A FEW OF LIFE'S UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
Some old, some new...
Would the level of the oceans be higher if sponges didn't grow in them?
Why isn't there another word for thesaurus in the thesaurus?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Redneck Computer Terms...
"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns.
"Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip.
"Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions.
"ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
"Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
"LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
"Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
"Bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
"Digital Control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
"Packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.
Backwoods Computer Dictionary
Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydraulic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Getting' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: What eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.
More bumper stickers....
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!!
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down On A Jeep]
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph.
25 Fun Things to do in an Elevator
1. Make race car noises every time someone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to the other passengers.
3. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
4. Crack open your briefcase or purse and ask: "Got enough air in there?"
5. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator and where yours upside-down.
6. Stand silent and motionless, facing the corner without getting off.
7. When arriving on your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open and then act embarrassed when they open themselves.
8. Greet everyone on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
9. Do Tai Chi exercises.
10. Stare, grinning at another person for awhile and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
11. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, Darn motion sickness!"
12. Meow occasionally.
13. Bet the other passengers that you can fit a quarter in your nose.
14. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
15. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
16. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
17. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
18. Start a sing-a-long.
19. Play the harmonica.
20. Shadow box.
21. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
22. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
23. Take a bite out of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
24. Blow spit bubbles.
25. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Things to Do at the Local Dept. Store When You are Bored
1. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
2. Put M&M's on layaway.
3. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
4. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
5. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
6. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the rest rooms.
7. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
8. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
9. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
10. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you floss your teeth.
11. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
12. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
13. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
14. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest rooms.
15. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
16. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
17. Sit on a chair and read a book for hours.
18. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
19. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
20. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. 21. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"
Why God never received a PhD....
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew and Greek.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has never been able to reproduce his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. He expelled his first two students for learning.
14. Although there were only 10 requirements, all of his students failed.
15. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
16 Some say he had his Son teach the class.
poetry you won't find at Hallmark
Ten Reasons why God created Eve.....
10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he wouldn't ask for directions.
9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.
7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.
3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.
2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."
1. And the No. 1 reason of all [Tada, drum roll, fanfare, etc.]
God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared: "I can do better than that."
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING MATURE WHEN...
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
What The New Job-Lingo Really Means....
** JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY - We have no time to train you.
** CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE - We don't pay enough to expect that
you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
** MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED - You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
** SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED - Some time each night and some time
** DUTIES WILL VARY - Anyone in the office can boss you around.
** MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL - We have no quality control.
** CAREER-MINDED - Female applicants must be childless (and
remain that way).
** NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE - We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
** SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE -
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
** PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST - You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
** REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS - You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
** GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS - Management communicates, you
listen, figure out what they want and do it.
What is a CAT?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a DOG?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable
piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!
9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
Church Bulletin Bloopers
1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in
the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.
11. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.12. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
13. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
14. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
15. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
16. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
17. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
18. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
19. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
20. For those of you who have children and
don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
21. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
22. The service will close with Little Drops of
Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
23. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
24. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the
choir. Source: Coffeebreak@yourfunmail.com
40 Things a Redneck Would Never Say
40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
List of things that make you say hmmmm.....
1. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
2. If I save time, when do I get it back?
3. If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
4. What do you say if you're talking to God, and he sneezes?
5. If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it considered a ham-hock?
6. When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
7. Why aren't there ever any guilty bystanders?
8. Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic...
shouldn't they already know you're coming?
9. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
10. Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?
For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
Advice for Husbands....
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: Y'know, I've always loved you in that robe.
The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to
the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong
If IBM made toasters ... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Microsoft made toasters ... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters ... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
If Xerox made toasters ... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters ... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Oracle made toasters ... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Sun made toasters ... The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters ... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If The Rand Corporation made toasters ... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department
would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If Sony made toasters ... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Fisher Price made toasters ... "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
486 - The average IQ needed to understand a P.C. state - of - the - art computer you can't afford.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your State - of - the - art computer to become obsolete.
Syntax Error - "Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.
GUI (pronounced "gooey") - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
Computer Chip - Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.
Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Hard Drive- The sales technique employed by most computer salesmen.
Portable Computer - A device invented to force business men to work at home, on vacation and on business trips.
Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your current
Taken from actual Federal employee performance evaluations:
MOM'S DICTIONARY, A thru H....
Airplane: What mom impersonates to get a 1-year-old to eat strained beets.
Alien: What mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a
child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
Apple: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
Baby: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
Bathroom: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except mom to be self-cleaning.
Because: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.
Bed & Breakfast: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
Cook: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mom's other name.
Couch Potato: What mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
Date: Infrequent outings with Dad where mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
Drinking Glass: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
Eat: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
Energy: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
Eye: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
Fable: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
Garbage: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.
Hamper: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
Handi-Wipes: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
No Brainer Headlines (from the Notebook pages of the New Republic).....
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
Whatever Their Motives, Moms Who Kill Kids Still Shock Us Holland Sentinel, date unknown
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut New York Times, Nov. 22
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find Los Angeles Times, Nov. 2
'Light' Meals Lower In Fat, Calories
Huntington Herald-Dispatch, Nov. 30
Alcohol Ads Promote Drinking Hartford Courant, Nov. 18
Malls Try To Attract Shoppers Baltimore Sun, Oct. 22
Official: Only Rain Will Cure Drought
Herald-News, Westport, MA (date unknown)
Teen-age Girls Often Have Babies Fathered By Men Sunday Oregonian, Sept. 24
Low Wages Said Key To Poverty Newsday, Jul 11
Man Shoots Neighbor With Machete
Miami Herald, Jul 3
Tomatoes Come In Big, Little, Medium Sizes Daily Progress, Charlottesville, VA, Mar 30
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows New York Times, Mar 10
Man Run Over By Freight Train Dies Los Angeles Times, Mar 2
Scientists See Quakes In L.A. Future The Oregonian, Jan 28
Wachtler Tells Graduates That Life In Jail Is Demeaning Buffalo News, Feb 26
Free Advice: Bundle Up When Out In The Cold Lexington herald-Leader, Jan 26
Prosecution Paints O.J. As A Wife-Killer
Ft. Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, Jan 25
Economist Uses Theory To Explain Economy Collinsville Herald-Journal, Feb 8
Bible Church's Focus Is The Bible St. Augustine Record, Dec 3
Clinton Pledges Restraint In Use Of Nuclear Weapons Cedar Rapids Gazette, Apr 6
Discoveries: Older Blacks Have Edge In Longevity Chicago Tribune, Mar 5
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear Journal of Commerce, Apr 20
Biting Nails Can Be Sign Of Tenseness In A Person Daily Gazette of Schenectady, May 2
Lack Of Brains Hinders Research Columbus Dispatch, Apr 16
How We Feel About Ourselves Is The Core Of Self-Esteem, Says Author Louise Hart Boulder Sunday Camera, Feb 5
Fish Lurk In Streams Rochester Democrat & Chronicle, Jan 29
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2. Any man who brings a camera to a stag party may be legally killed and eaten by the others in attendance.
3. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
4. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth
5. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. If you've known a man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
7. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden.
8. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
9. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your friend's birthday is strictly optional.
10. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
11. When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
12. It is permissible to sip a fruity tropical drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach.........and then only if it's delivered by a topless supermodel.....................and it's free.
13. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another man in the nuts.
14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but never reach for both.
19. If you complement another man on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about the brand of beer he just purchased.
20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing, both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
22. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
23. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
24. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
25. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2, & a six pack.
How to Handle Telemarketers...
1. If they
want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you
could sure use some money.
6. Say "No,"
over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a
rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if
you can do it until they hang up.
yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
You Know You're Trailer Trash If...
1. The Halloween pumpkin on
your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
6. You wonder how service
stations keep their restrooms so clean.
16. One of your kids was born
on a pool table.
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. If you'd like anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. I like doing it up and down, and Sonya likes doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."
He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a *sexy* message, I'll call sooner!
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
1. Sag, You're It!
Mergers We'd Like To See...
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics,
Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller
** "There is no snooze button on a cat
who wants breakfast." - Unknown
** "There is no snooze button on a cat
who wants breakfast." - Unknown
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