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Yuma Me Pages - Blonde Joke Page

 

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Page 24 Lists Page
Attorney Jokes Blonde Jokes Holiday Jokes Lists Page

 

Submit your joke here


A man requested a blonde painter to paint him in the nude. 

"No" the talented blonde artist said. "I don't do that sort of

thing.  "I'll increase your fee two times," he said.  "No, no

thanks!!"  "I'll give five times as much as you normally get." 

Okay, said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my

socks. I need somewhere to place my brushes."


She was so blonde.....

... She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
... She thought a quarterback was a refund.
... She tripped over the cordless phone.
... She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
... She told someone to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK
... She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
... At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put Sagittarius.
... If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
... When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
... Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.


The blonde waitress at the hotel had a

customer sitting at the table in the dining area,

who said : "I'd like a cup of coffee, no cream." 

The waitress went to get the coffee, but after 2

minutes came back, saying, "I'm sorry sir, we

are out of cream. Would you want your coffee

without milk instead?"


A blond walked into up to an airport ticket counter

and asked to buy a round trip ticket. "Where to?"

Asked the smiling ticket agent.  The blonde rolled

her eyes and said, "Duuuuuh, back here!"


A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as

he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know

why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and

started jumping up and down with her. When she said, "Honey,

I have some really great news for you!"  He said, "Great, tell

me what you're so happy about!" She stopped jumping and

was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when

she told him that she was pregnant! He was ecstatic! They

had been trying for awhile. He kissed her and told her, "That's

great! I couldn't be happier!"  Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's

more!" He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?" She said,

"Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going

to have TWINS!"  Amazed at how she could know so soon

after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.  She said,

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought

the twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests

came out positive!"


Q.  How do you keep a blonde at home?

A.  Build a circular driveway.


These two blonde guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake.

They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that

day, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here

tomorrow!" The other asks, "But how will we remember where

this spot is?" The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints

an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this

X tomorrow." The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know

we'll get the same boat?"


Q.  What did the blonde say when she opened a box of cheerios?

A.  Oh! Look!! Doughnut seeds!!!


A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt and blonde. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225 pounds and he's a rugby player and blonde. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler and blonde. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"  The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


A Blonde wanted to join an amateur baseball team.

The coach looked him over and decided to give him

a chance. "I will give you three questions," said the

coach. "If you come back in a week and answer

them all correctly, you're on the team."  "Fair enough!"

said the Blonde eagerly. The coach proceeded, "Here

are your questions. First, how many days are there in

a week that start with the letter 'T'? Second, how

many seconds are there in a year? And third, how

many d's are there in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed

Reindeer?'" Next week, the Blonde came back,

feeling all confident that he knew the right answers.

So again the coach said, "So how many days in

the week that start with 'T'?"  The Blonde said,

"Two!" "Very good!" said the coach. And what

are they?" "Today and Tomorrow!"  "Hmm... OK,"

said the coach.  "How many seconds are there

in a year?" "Twelve!" "Twelve? How did you

come up with twelve?" The coach was perplexed.

"Well," said the Blonde, "there's the second of

January, the second of February, the second

of..." "Um.. OK," broke in the coach. "How many

d's in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'" "Oh,

that is easy!" laughed the Blonde. "Three hundred

and sixty-five!"  "WHAT?" cried the coach. "How

did you get that figure?" To which the Blonde

sang, "dee dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee...."


Q.  How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

A.  Shine a torch in her ear!


Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night? 

A blonde family on vacation lost all of their children. The pickup truck

they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the bottom. 

The parents got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the back

drowned...it's reported the parents couldn't get the tailgate open.


Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign

that said, "Press bell for night watchman."  She did so, and

after several minutes she heard the watchman coming down

the stairs.   The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one

gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally

made his way to the door. "Well," he huffed, "what do you

want?" "So, like, why can't you ring the bell yourself?"


Two blondes are driving down the road and get pulled over by a cop. The cop tells the driver that he was pulled over because he didn't signal at the turn. The blonde argues with the cop and tells him he did. The cop told him his light must not be working and told him to get it fixed.  After the cop leaves, the driver tells the passenger to get out and tell him if the blinker is broken. The blonde passenger gets out and tells the guy when he is behind the car to turn on the blinker. The driver turns on the blinker and the blonde in the back of the car yells out, "Yes, no, yes, no, yes...."


Q. What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

A. The 1988 Hide-and-Go-Seek World Champion.


A blonde walked into the pet store and, after looking

up and down the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help.

"I'd like a box of birdseed," said the lady. "For which

kind of bird?" he asked helpfully. "Oh, I don't know,"

she replied. "Whichever one will grow the fastest."


Q: Why do blonde nurses carry a red Magic Marker?

A: In case they have to draw blood.


A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding

car on the freeway.  As the officer peered through the

driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde

behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down

his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top

of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"


Q.  Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

A.  She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.


Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..." "Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.  He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."  St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven.  He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"? The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St Peter smiled broadly with delight. The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."


Q:  How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?

A:  There's white-out on the screen.


Q:  How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?

A:  There's writing on the white-out.


There were nine blondes and a brunette hanging on

a rope 100 stories high. They had decided that one

of them had to get off. They argued and argued and

finally the brunette said ''I'll go.''   The brunette made

a touching speech and all the blondes clapped.


Q:  Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?

A:  (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!


One summer day, a blonde told her husband before he

left for work that she was going to paint the house that day.

It was her day off and she wanted to do something useful.

He went to work and returned for lunch five hours later.

He expected to find some progress made on the house,

but instead found his wife lying in their yard with a few

jackets on, despite the hot day.  "What are you doing?"

he asked. "I prepared to paint the house, but when I read

the instructions on the paint can, it said to apply three

coats and sun dry."


Q:  How do blondes pierce their ears?

A:  They put tacks in their shoulder pads.


Q:  Why don't blondes make Jello?

A:  They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little boxes.


A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and

his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor

was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she

asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who

appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied.

"You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with

no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What

sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook

made three trips around the world and died during one of them.

Which one?' The blonde thought a moment, then said with a

nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example

would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."


A man requested a blonde painter to paint him in the

nude. "No" the talented blonde artist said. "I don't do

that sort of thing.  "I'll increase your fee two times," he

said.  "No, no thanks!!"  "I'll give five times as much as

you normally get."  Okay, said the artist, "but you have

to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere

to place my brushes."


A blonde student was in his college campus bookstore.  

Questioning the store clerk about a book for one of his  

classes, the clerk responded, "This book will do half the  

job for you."  "Good," the blonde replied, "I'll take two."


A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered

from the bartender... Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender:

"What is a B and C?"  Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?"

Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 15." Bartender: "What's a 15?"

Blonde: "7 and 7"


A couple of blonde hunters are out in the woods in the deep

south when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem

to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.  The

other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps

to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"  The

operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Alright,

take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." 

There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.  The

hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now what??"


The blonde reported for her University final examination 

which consists of "yes/no" type questions.  She takes 

her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question 

paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes 

her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin 

and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for 

Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest 

of the class is sweating it out.  During the last few minutes, 

she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and 

sweating.  The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and 

asks what is going on.  "I finished the exam in half and hour.  

But, she says, I'm just rechecking my answers!"


Q.  Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?

A.  Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.


A blonde is driving around in her red sports car and 

suddenly gets pulled over by the police.  The policeman 

approaches the car holding the ticket and pen ready and 

says: "Young lady, you've been driving almost double the 

speed limit. Give me your name please." "Hmmph!" - says 

the blonde looking very irritated "And what am I going to be 

called then?"


There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at

every stoplight the blonde trucker would get out of the cab, run

back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several

intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled

into a parking lot. When they both had come to a stop the truck

driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door.

The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey

but why do you keep banging on that door?" To which the blonde

replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a

10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."


A couple blonde guys pretending to be building 

contractors pull into a lumberyard.  One of them 

walked in the office and said, "We need some 

four-by-twos."  The clerk said, "You mean 

two-by-fours, don't you?"  The man said, "I'll go 

check," and went back to the truck.  He returned 

a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."  

"Alright. How long do you need them?" The guy 

paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go 

check."  After awhile he returned to the office and 

said, "A very long time. We're gonna build a house!"


Q:   How do blonde braincells die ?

A:   Alone.


A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a
ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach
and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the
first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable,
she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant
checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm
going to sit here all the way to LA."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs
the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and
tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful,
and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so
returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the
co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend,
and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes
back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much,"
hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the
coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were
watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot
what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her

that the first class section isn't going to LA."


Q.  How did the blonde try to kill the bird?

A.  She threw it off of a cliff.


A couple was lunching at a sidewalk cafe'. The waitress looked

like a real surfer girl: athletic with a great tan and blonde hair.

Mulling over the menu, the guy asked her if the roast beef was

rare.  The waitress gave them a stare and replied, "Well, no.

We have it, like, just about every day."


Q.  How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?

A.  She fell out of the tree.


Q.  How did the blonde die, drinking milk?

A.  The cow stepped on her.


A blonde walks into an electronics store and points to

something behind the clerk.  "How much is that television

set?" she asks.  "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," the clerk

said.  So, the girl walks out. The next day, she returns

wearing a brown wig. She again approaches the clerk

and asks "How much is that television set behind you?" 

The clerk replies, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." 

Again, the girl walks out.  She again tries the next day,

this time wearing a red wig. She goes up to the clerk

and asks "How much is that television set behind you?" 

The clerk again replies, "We don't sell to blondes!" 

Well, the girl was kind of suspicious.  She asks carefully,

"How do you know I'm a blond?"  The clerk looks at the

girl and says..."Because that's not a television, it's a microwave!"


Q.  How did the blonde burn her nose? 

A.  Bobbing for french fries.


Q.  Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?

A.  The instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds".


Q.  Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops?

A.  So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.


A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening.
The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who
is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that
bet," the blonde replied.  A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks
in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped form the building. The
redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns
to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50.
"No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars."  The
redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand,
I saw the 5:30 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."  "That's
okay," the blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."


Four blondes walk into a bar. They go up to the bar and ask the
bartender for 4 shots. They raise their glasses and say "51 days!"
and down the drinks. They ask the bartender for another round.
They raise their glasses and say "51 days!" and down their drinks.
They ask for a third round.  The bartender says "Excuse me ladies,
but if you don't mind my asking, what does 51 days mean?"  One
of them answers, "We got a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said 2-4
years, and we did it in just 51 days."


A  blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.  She tells the
mechanic, "It  died."  After he works on it for a few minutes,
it's idling smoothly.  She says: "What's the story?"
He replies: "Just crap  in the carburetor."  She says,
"How often do I have to do  that?"


A blonde was tired of everyone thinking that blondes were stupid, and she didn't like all
these jokes. To end the injustice, she decided to prove to the world that she was smart.
In order to prove herself, she chose to memorize the capital of every American state.
It wasn't an easy task, but she was determined and eventually managed to do it.
A few days later she was in a bar, and heard a couple of men laughing at a blonde
joke. This was the perfect opportunity to start righting all the wrongs that had been
done to blondes in the past - she would set these men straight!  Marching over at a
rapid pace she announced, "It isn't true that all blondes are stupid, and I will prove it.
Just ask me the capital of any American state, and I will tell you what it is."  Although
a little surprised, the men did challenge her and asked, "Ok, how about Arizona?"
The Blonde, after pausing for a moments thought, proudly gave the answer, "A."


What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run - she is still holding the grenade! 


Three blondes walk into this bar, right?
You'd think one of them would have seen it.

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and
repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you,
you'll have lost at least five pounds.  "When the blonde returns,
she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says.
"Did you follow my instructions?"  The blonde nods. "I'll tell you,
though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From
hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.  "No, from skipping."

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the
other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then
down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on
the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot!  You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

What do you call three blondes in your freezer?
Frosted Flakes.

What do you call three blondes in a row?
A wind tunnel.

What goes vrrooom, screech, vrrooom, screech, vrroom, schreech?
A blonde at a flashing red light.

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were 

training to become detectives. To test their skills in 

recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a 

picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your 

suspect, how would you recognize him?"The first 

blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast 

because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, 

"Well, that's because the picture shows his profile."

He then flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the s

econd blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, 

how would you recognize him?" The second blonde 

giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy 

to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman 

angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? 

Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING 

because it's a picture of his profile!!  Extremely frustrated 

at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and 

in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how 

would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "...think 

hard before giving me a stupid answer."  The blonde 

looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, 

"Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses." The 

policeman is surprised because he really doesn't know 

himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Wait here 

for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back 

to you on that."  He leaves the room, checks the suspect's 

file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile 

on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it ... it's TRUE! The suspect 

does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were 

you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," 

the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because 

he only has one eye and one ear." 


Thanks to Brittany for this one....

A brunette is standing on a rail road track and is yelling

"23, 23, 23..."  Then a blonde walks up and asks why are

you yelling 23? The brunette says "Stand right here." and

puts her in the middle of the train track. Then a train comes

along, and the brunette starts yelling "24, 24..."


A blonde's car breaks down on the interstate one day.  So she eases it

over onto the shoulder of the road.  She carefully steps out of the car and
opens the trunk.  Out jump two men in trench coats who get in position at the
rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin
opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this Highway
occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop,
clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling,
"What the hell is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop.
And she said...
"Those are my emergency flashers"

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because

every part of her body hurt.  The doctor looked concerned and said,

"Show me where."  The blonde touched her own arm and

screamed, "Ouch!"  Then she touched her leg and screamed,

"Ouch!"   She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"   She

looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!" 

The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious.

You've just got a broken index finger."


A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two

new dogs, and asked her what their names were.  The

blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and

one was named Timex.  Her friend said, "Whoever heard of

someone naming dogs like that?"  Whereupon the blonde

responded, "What else are you gonna name watch dogs?"


An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The

doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.

This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty

pounds.  The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after

thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost

twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for

the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last

question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"


WARNING PG-13...A guy took a blonde out on a date.

Eventually they ended up parked at a "lovers point" where

they started making out. After things started getting pretty

good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her, "Do

you want to go in the back seat?" "NO!" she answered. 

Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he

has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and

things are getting really hot, so he asks again, "Do you

want to go in the back seat?" "NO!" she answers again. 

Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she

even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS

to want it now. "Do you want to go in the back seat?" he

asks again. "NO!" she answers yet again.  Frustrated, he

demands "Well, why not!" She answers, "Because I want

to stay up here with you!"


Q: Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?
A: She heard the drinks were on the house.

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