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Yuma Me - General Joke Page
Submit your joke here
Pauly and Maury were in a doctor's waiting room, and Maury
was crying. "Why are you crying?" asked Pauly. "I'm here
for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger." When
he heard this, then Pauly, too, started to cry. "Why are YOU
crying?" asked Maury. "I'm here for a urine test," blubbered Pauly.
Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage,
a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a
large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary),
and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in
touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name
of "Artie". Artie explained to the husband that his going price for
snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was
willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash
on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie
insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened
up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept
the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later,
Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store.
There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded
to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting
woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager
of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but
to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the
entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and
observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called
the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave
the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie
revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements
with the hapless husband. And that is why, the next day in the
newspaper, the headline declared: "ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR
A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY."
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite
of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that
it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as
well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
Colonoscopy humor...A physician claims these are actual comments
from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10."If your hand doesn't fit, you musta quit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
Little Johnny burst through the front door with a smile on his face. Surprised
that Johnny was home so early, his mother asked, "Why are you home from
school so early?" Johnny answered, "I was the only one who could answer
a question." "Oh, really? What was the question?" his mother asked. "Who
threw the eraser at the teacher?"
A squad of Marines were driving up the highway between Basra and Baghdad.
They came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the
opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious
state. The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men,
the Marine was asked what had happened. The Marine reported; "I was heavily
armed and moving north along the highway. Coming south was a heavily armed
Iraqi soldier." "What happened then?" the corpsman asked. "I yelled to him
that Saddam Hussein was a miserable jerk, and he yelled back: 'Both Bushes
and Bill Clinton are miserable jerks'. "We were standing there shaking hands
when a truck hit us."
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences
out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying
the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took
the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and
exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. "Your name
is written inside the cover."
A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the
CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a
piece of paper in hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important,
and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly,"
said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the
paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said
the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need
A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend
had proposed but she had turned him down because she found
out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell. "Marry
him anyway dear." the Mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll
show him just how wrong he is."
A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been?
I haven't seen you around here much." The twenty answered, "I've been
hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the
ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball
games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?" The one dollar
bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."
A man goes to a bar and he ties his Great Dane up outside. About 10 minutes
later a lady comes in and asks who's Great Dane is outside. "Mine" says the man.
"My dog has just killed him", she says. "What breed is your dog?" he asks. "A
Chihuahua", she says. "How can a Chihuahua kill a Great Dane?" "He got
caught in his throat!!!"
Here's a joke that's NOT funny:
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a
good job of putting that figure into perspective on one of its releases:
A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.
A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.
A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate Washington spends it.
A man approached a local in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way
to York?" The local scratched his head. "Are you walking or driving?" he
asked the stranger. "I'm driving." "That's the quickest way!"
Q: What happened to the butter?
A: I'm not telling you because you'll spread it.
Q. Why should you never iron a four leaf clover?
A. You don't want to press your luck.
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but
he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they
run?" he asked the clerk. "It depends on quality," said the
salesman. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000." "Let's see the
$2.00 model," he said. The clerk put the device around the
man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run
this little string down to your pocket," he instructed. "How
does it work?" the customer asked. "For $2.00 it doesn't
work," the salesman said. "But when people see it on you,
they'll talk louder!"
A Couple Oldies But Goodies.....
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been
asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss
and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week." "This is
a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting
so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and
set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office
and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please
pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a
little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her
husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little
tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home
and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye,
some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new
blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?" She answers "I did,
they're in your tackle box."
A guest in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head
waiter one morning and said, "I want two boiled eggs, one of them
so undercooked that it is runny, and the other so over cooked it's
tough and hard to eat. Also grilled bacon that has been left on
the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as
you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so
that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee,
luke-warm." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered
waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied, "Oh, but
that's what you gave me yesterday!"
The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. "You say
you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about
your taste in socks?" "That's correct," muttered the patient.
"I like wool socks." "But that's perfectly normal," replied the
doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from
cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks." "You DO?"
exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad,
and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector
decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if
you realized that two trains were heading towards each other
on the same track?" Tom says, "I would switch one train to
another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers
Tom. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges
the inspector. "Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here
and use the phone to call the next signal box." "What if the
phone was busy?" "In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the
street level and use the public phone near the station". "What
if that had been vandalized?" "Oh, well," says Tom, "in that
case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo." This puzzles
the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?" "Because
he's never seen a train crash!"
You're Not The Brightest Light If....
you can't remember how to spell "IQ."
you frequently misspell your own name.
... you think hot dogs are real meat.
people nick-name you Homer.
It's said that Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul
several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women
customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands. She
returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still walk
behind their husbands, but now seem to walk even further back
and are now happy with the old custom. Ms. Walters approached
one of the Afghani women and asked. "But why do you now seem
happy with the old custom that you used to try and change"
"Land mines," said the woman.
There was once a hillbilly who was extremely sad with life because
people always made fun of him. He decided to do something about it.
He sat back and thought about it. Suddenly he thought - "I have
never seen anyone making fun of Italians. So, if I start talking and
behaving like them, no one will be able to make out that I am a hillbilly
and make fun of me." He went into isolation for three months and after
a lot of practice, he walked confidently into a shop and said, "I am a
very hungry. Give me some pepperoni and zucchini." Immediately, the
man behind the counter said "Are you a hillbilly?" This guy was taken
aback and he repeated his request. The man behind the counter said,
"Are you a hillbilly or not?" This man was finally very ashamed and
amazed at the shop owner's discerning ability and so he admitted to
the fact after which he asked, "But how did you know?" The shopkeeper
replied, "This is a hardware store!"
An Irishman with a bum leg walks into a saloon. He drags his bad leg up
to the bar and orders an Irish whiskey. Then he looks around and sees a
long-haired, bearded guy in a robe sitting at the end of the bar. "Is that
Christ our Lord?" he asks the bartender. "Yes it is," the bartender replies.
"Well, let me buy him an Irish whiskey too" the Irishman responds.
They're sitting nursing their drinks when a hunchback Italian walks in and
orders a glass of Chianti. He too spots Jesus. "Is that the Son of the Blessed
Virgin?" he asks the bartender, and the bartender replies in the affirmative.
"Let me catch him a glass of Chianti too," the Italian offers. Just then the
barroom door bursts open and a civil servant steps up to the rail. "Gimme
a cold one, bartender," the gov't. employee orders. And, spotting Jesus, he
adds, "Hey, is that God's little boy? Get him a cold one too." Jesus eventually
finishes his drinks and comes over to the Irishman, the Italian and the civil
servant to thank them. He touches the Irishman's shoulder and says thanks,
and the fellow's leg magically is fully functional. The Irishman does a jig in
celebration. Christ then approaches the Italian, thanks him and touches
him on the shoulder, and the Italian's
back straightens for the first time in his life.
he screams. "I'm on disability!"
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just
like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have
anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand
up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your
temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated,
"but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another
round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have
to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She
leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his
breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an
hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked
the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you
ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor
confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't." "Not with a carnation anyway."
A man goes to the confessional and begins "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back. "Well," the man starts, "I
used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible." "When
did you use this awful language?" asks the priest. "I was golfing and hit an
incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it
struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight
down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you
swore?" "No, Father," says the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of
the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Father again. "Well, no," says
the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down
out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Priest. "No, not yet," the
man replies. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew
toward the green. As it passed over a a bit of forest near the green, the
squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asks the now
impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced
through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a
sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
The Priest sighs, "You missed the putt, didn't you?!?"
Two thousand pounds of human hair fell off a passing truck on the 405 Freeway,
and blocked the roadway today. State Police are still combing the area.
The Sunday School teacher asked her students to draw a picture of
their favorite Old Testament story, and as she moved around the class,
she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she
came across Little Johnny who had drawn a old man driving an old car.
In the back seat, there were two passengers, both scantily dressed.
"It's a lovely picture," said the teacher, "but which story does it tell?"
Little Johnny seemed surprised at the question. "Well," he said "doesn't
it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?"
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the
96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old
yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs
and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is
sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes
her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's
at the door."
Some thoughts on marriage....
....Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
...If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
...Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.
...Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both
speak and the neighbors listen.
...When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
...A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
...Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
...Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
...Recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
...A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished...
...Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
A kid's view of marriage and relationships....
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well
but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his
watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful
thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the
kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field.
The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign: "Warning,
one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon.
They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign
that the farmer made. The next day the farmer showed up to look
over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are
missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove
his tractor up to the sign which read: "Now there are two!"
Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted. She told the
artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald
bracelets and a ruby pendant." "But, Madam, you are not wearing any
of those things." "True enough," said Mrs. Whembleton. "If I should
predecease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I
want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry!"
Three men came back from fishing one day, but when they got
back to their truck, they saw it was surrounded by three bears.
One of the men said, "OK, guys, I figure the only way we're gonna
get back to the truck is to make these bears really angry. Then
they'll leave and we can go home. "Ed, you take that one on the
left, the little cub with a broken leg. I'll take the one in the middle,
the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw. Joe, you take the one on
the right, the mama bear." Joe looked and saw a huge silvertip grizzly
bear with big teeth and froth around her mouth. "Hey, man, wait a sec.
I'm supposed to get this monster angry, and you guys get the cubs.
That's not fair!" "Now, now, Joe," was the reply. "We all have our bears to cross."
Read this out loud:
When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table. Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life. As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services. "Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully. "Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?
A husband and wife enter a dentist's office. The Wife says, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." "You're a brave woman," says the dentist, "Now, show me which tooth it is." The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
There's a man and his wife who own a pub, and have a dog called Fido, who's 24, which is very old for a dog. One day the dog tragically dies, and they bury him but keep his tail separate as a memorial. That night, the man hears a strange noise and rushes downstairs to find the dog's ghost, demanding his tail back. The man was just about to give the tail back when the wife rushed down and said: 'Don't give it back! Don't give it back!' 'Why?' asked the man. 'You're not allowed to retail spirits after 12:00!'
There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A short time later there's another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again. "Hey, are you playing games with me?" St. Peter calls after him. "No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They're trying to resuscitate me."
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides tobury the body here. This would only cost $150.00. George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price." "No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.
Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out, "Okay, everyone in the house, please be advised that I, Little Johnny, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"
You know you're living in 2004 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the
phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9"
to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for
three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to
get long-service awards.
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
The menu at the breakfast eatery had included a scrumptious selection of quiches for over 10 years. Their recipe calls for four fresh eggs for each quiche. A County Health Department inspector paid a visit recently and pointed out that research by the Food and Drug Administration indicates that one in four eggs carries salmonella bacterium, so restaurants should never use more than three eggs when preparing quiche. The manager on duty wondered aloud if simply throwing out three eggs from each dozen and using the remaining nine in four-egg-quiches would serve the same purpose. The inspector wasn't sure, but she said she would research it.
Q: Why did the Amish wife file for a divorce?
A: Her husband was driving her buggy.
Six presidents on a sinking ship (PG)
Ford says: "What do we do?"
Judge: Did you or did you not see the gun being fired? Witness: I did not see it being fired. I only heard it. Judge: Well, that's hearsay. It's inadmissible as evidence. As the witness left the stand and walked back to his seat, his back was turned to the judge, at which point, he laughed out loud. Immediately the judge recalled him to the bench and was about to hold him in contempt of court. Witness: Did you actually see me laugh? Judge: No, but I heard you. Witness: Isn't that the same kind of inadmissible evidence, Judge?
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it!"
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car pass the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace." Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND ..." Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So, Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy ..." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and "... then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy."
Q. Why don't gingerbread men wear shorts?
A. Because they have crummy legs.
Historians have recently discovered that Annie Oakley, famed sharp-shooter of the Old West, had a sister. The sister, Carrie, gained some renown in her day as a singer in various saloons throughout the West, but it was not until after her death that she was very widely known. Today, countless bars are dedicated to Carrie Oakley.
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