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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 2
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A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field.
A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows
fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing
themselves against the gale. So all the cows stand
up and go back to their chewing. Pretty soon, a
tornado blows through and all of the cows are knocked
to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass.
Next, a hurricane comes through and all the cows are
knocked into the next pasture. The bulls just say
"moo." Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of
the bulls and says, "Moo? What's the mooing deal?
How come the wind always knocks us for a loop and
you just stand there unharmed ?" "Isn't it obvious?"
the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver says,
"That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman
goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to
a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says,
"There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off.
Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a
group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a
dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over
and asked them what they were doing. One of the boys replied,
"This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us
sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we're having a
contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home
today." Of course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't
be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched
into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys
know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age,
I never told a lie." There was complete silence for about a minute.
As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to
them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "All right," he said, "give him the dog."
A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper
behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters
rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice
restaurant. "Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.
"Don't be loud," said another, and so on. "And what rule do your
parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of
one little boy. Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order
Warning -- PG-13.....
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of
whom loved to play together. One day, the two
were playing when the horse fell into a bog and
began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied
for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the
chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm,
he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no
avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new
Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken
sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time
to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was
surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the
shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop
of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other
end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken
then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful
car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken
drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer
was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship
between the two animals was cemented: best buddies,
best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud
pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the
horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked
over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath,
he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then
lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the
horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of
the story? When you're hung like a horse, you don't need
a BMW to pick up chicks.
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in,
he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo and
behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a
conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns,
smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual He swallows
hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting
next to him and she's going to a meeting of asks, "What's your
business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she says, "I use
my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard," what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American
men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers,
when actually it is the man of Jewish descent. However, we have
found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern
Redneck." Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes.
"I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't
even know your name!" "Tonto!" the man says, "Tonto Goldstein! But my
friends call me Bubba!
"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small
boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young student confidently.
"It means carrying a child."
Q. How do you get holy water?
A. Boil the hell out of it!
Q: What do you call the wife of a Hippie?
(Now say it again, slowly)
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents
for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She
shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some
flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy. Then the candy
store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up,
shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the
liquor store owner's son, little Johnny. The teacher held it up
and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger
and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," little Johnny
answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," he answered. Finally,
the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?" Little Johnny replied,
Every time a new Pope is elected, there's a whole lot of rituals
and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with
tradition. Well there's one tradition that very few people know about.
Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an
audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he
presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the
cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The Pope
symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The
Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and
does not return until the next Pope is elected. John Paul II was
intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He
instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they
came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief
Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual
rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.
"My brother," the Holy Father whispered, "I must confess that we
Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for
centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish
people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?" The Chief Rabbi
shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do.
The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of
ancient history." The Pope said: "Let us retire to my
private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then,
with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover
at last the secret." The Chief Rabbi agreed. Fortified in their
resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment
envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside
and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the
Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped
with shock. It was the check for the Last Supper.
Q. What do you get when you cross a werewolf with a ceramicist?
A. A hairy potter
Q. How does the Pope travel?
A. By holy-copter.
Do you know why crows are never hit while eating road kill?
Because their friends are on the Power Lines yelling.....
Three Enlish men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man.
One guy said he was going to tick him off. He walked over
to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. 'Hey, I hear
your St. Patrick was a sissy.' 'Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.'
Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. 'I told
him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn't care!' 'You just
don't know how to set him off, watch and learn.' The second
English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the
shoulder. 'I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!' 'Oh, wow, I
didn't know that, thank you.' Shocked beyond belief, the English
man went back to his buddies. 'You're right, he is unshakable!'
The third English man said: 'No, no, no, I will really set him off,
you just watch.' The English man walked over to the Irish man,
tapped him on the shoulder and said...'I hear your St. Patrick
was an Englishman!' 'Yeah, that's what your buddies were
trying to tell me.'
Q:How do pigs communicate?
A:By swine language
Q: What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert?
A city slicker stopped his large, expensive car on a country road
and looked about in confusion. He noticed a young farm hand
leaning on a fence and called to him, "Hey, you know how far it
is to Shrewsbury?" The farm hand thought about it and said, "Don't
know." "Well then, do you know the best way to get there?"
Again, the farm hand thought a bit and said, "Don't know."
"Look, can you just tell me where the nearest gas station is
so I can pick up a map?" "'Fraid I don't know that either."
Frustrated, the man in the car snapped, "You don't know much
do you?" To which the farm hand replied, "I'm not lost."
A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to
discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely
under water. "That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he
said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?"
"Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are
you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat."
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole.
They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.
One morning, the papa mole reached his head out of the hole
and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage." The mama mole reached
her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes."
As the baby mole repeatedly tried to stick his head out of
the hole to get a whiff, he became frustrated because the two
bigger moles were in the way. Unable to take it any longer, the
baby mole mumbled, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.
The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"
The guy says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
Q: Why did the soda can go to college?
A: He wanted to be a fizz ed teacher.
Q: What do you get when you cross rice krispies with a Kangaroo?
A: Snap! Crackle! Hop!
A teacher wrote on the blackboard: "Like I ain't had no fun
in months." Then she asked the class, "How should I correct
this sentence?" Little Johnny raised his hand and replied,
"Get a new boyfriend."
While robbing a home, a burglar hears someone say,
"Jesus is watching you." To his relief, he realizes
it is just a parrot mimicking something it had heard.
The burglar asks the parrot, "What's your name?"
The parrot says, "Moses." The burglar goes on to
ask, "What kind of a person names their parrot
Moses?" The parrot replies, "The same kind of
person that names his Rottweiler Jesus."
A grasshopper hops into a bar and jumps up on a barstool.
The bartender looks at him and starts laughing and says
"Hey! We got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper
gives the bartender a dirty look and says, "You got a
drink named Steve?"
How about the two old men, one a retired professor of
psychology and the other a retired professor of history.
Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel
in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the porch of the
hotel watching the sun set. The history professor said to the
psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" To which the
professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's
the wicker chairs."
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy
Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a
vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
"The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii
and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me
to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last
year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get
pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna
do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm
taking Earline with me."
A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners.
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were
the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess,
running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "Of course they were cleaned Father."
"They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and
they all started eating. The meal was delicious and he paid
his compliments in spite of the dirty dishes. When dinner was
over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yells -
"Here Soap! Here Water!"
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and --WHACK!-- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --Bong!"-- bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from WalMart."
Two Aussie blokes were down at the front fence of the cricket match when the beer cans started flying. One of them was so concerned about being hit he kept looking over his shoulder and couldn't really concentrate on the game "Don't worry," said his mate. "As they said in the war, if there's one with your name on it..." "That's just it," said his friend. "My name's Foster!"
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