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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 8

 

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Page 24 Lists Page
Attorney Jokes Blonde Jokes Holiday Jokes Lists Page

 

Submit your joke here


A fly was buzzing along one morning when he

saw a lawn mower someone had left out in their

front yard. He flew over and sat on the handle,

watching the children going down the sidewalk

on their way to school. One little boy tripped on

a crack and fell, spilling his lunch on the sidewalk.

He picked himself up, put his lunch back in the

bag and went on. But he missed a piece of

bologna. The fly had not eaten that morning and

he sure was hungry. So he flew down and started

eating the bologna. In fact he ate so much that

he could not fly, so he waddled across the

sidewalk, across the lawn, up the wheel of

the lawn mower, up the handle, and sat there

resting and watching the children.  There was

still some bologna laying there on the sidewalk. 

He was really stuffed, but that baloney sure

did look good.  Finally temptation got the best

of him and he jumped off the handle of the lawn

mower to fly over to the baloney.  But alas he

was too full to fly and he went splat!!, killing

him instantly.  The moral of the story: Don't

fly off the handle when you are full of baloney.


Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really

hungry", said the first one. "Me, too", said the

second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." 

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot

of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and

ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm

so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree,"

said the first one. "Me neither, let's just lay

here and bask in the warm sun", said the

second. "OK" said the first. They plopped

down, basking in the sun. No sooner than

they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat

snuck up and gobbled them up.  As he sat

washing his face after his meal, he thought,

"I love baskin' robins."


Q.  How does a rabbit make gold soup?

 

A.  He begins with 24 carrots.


A man took his St. Bernard to the vet and said to the vet: "my dog's cross-eyed.

Is there anything you can do for it?"  "Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." 

So he picks the dog up by its ears & has a good look at it's eyes.  "Well" says

the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."  "Just because he's cross-eyed?"

says the man incredulously.  "No," the vet answers, "because he's very heavy."


"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale

and gave all my money to the church, would that get

me into Heaven?", the teacher asked the children in

her Sunday School class.  "NO!" the children all

answered.  "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed

the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would

that get me into Heaven?"  Again, the answer was,

"NO!" Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave

candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would

that get me into Heaven?" she asked them again. 

Again, they all answered, "NO!"  "Well, she

continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"


Q.  What did one chick say to the other when it

found some citrus food in their nest?

A.  Look at the orange Mama laid.


The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in 

to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor 

did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. "Well, 

to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, 

I seem to be getting forgetful.  No, it's actually worse than that.

I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I  

answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to 

do once I get there -- if I get there.  So, I really need your help. 

What can I do to get better Doc?"  The doctor mused for a moment, 

then answered: "You can start by paying me in advance."


A Catholic and a Mormon

Two clergy persons are on an airplane, a Catholic priest and
a Mormon bishop. After a while, the priest turns to the bishop
and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you are not
to drink coffee?" The Mormon bishop responds, "Yes that is
still one of our beliefs." The Catholic priest then asks, "Have
you ever had a cup of coffee"? "Yes," says the Mormon bishop,
"I have to admit--on one occasion I did succumb to temptation
and tried a cup of coffee." The Catholic priest nods in understanding
and goes on with his reading. A while later, the Mormon bishop
speaks up and asks, "Father, is it still a requirement of your
church that you remain celibate?" The Catholic priest replies,
"Yes, that is still one of our vows." The Mormon bishop then
asks, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The Catholic priest replied, "Yes, Bishop, on one occasion, I
was weak and broke my vow." The Mormon bishop nodded
understandingly for a moment. A few minutes later he smiled,
looked at the Catholic priest and then said,

"A lot better than coffee, isn't it?"

Source: Laughshop.com


This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu 

when he came across a very old oil lamp. The guy 

started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" 

a genie appeared. This genie, like all genies, was so 

happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the 

guy three wishes. "I wish to be a dollar richer than 

Bill Gates, " says the guy.  "Guy," the genie said, 

"You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates.

 What's your second wish?" "Genie, I want the 

most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, 

on board GPS and the finest audio system ever 

installed in an automobile." "That's easy, Guy," 

says the genie. He waves his hand and best car 

anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The 

genie then asks the guy for his third wish.  The guy 

mulls the problem over and over.  The guy found a 

reason not to wish for anything that came to his 

mind. "Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything 

now. May I save the third wish for later?" "Gee, 

this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, 

I can't escape from this lamp until you make a 

third wish. Call me when you're ready," and 

whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.  

The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- 

valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the 

fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on 

to balance the sounds and makes all the other 

adjustments needed to get his great audio system 

customized to his ears. After that, he pulled off the 

beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast 

Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. 

The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy music sounded 

so good that he began to sing along with the familiar 

commercial on the radio . . .. . ."Oh, I wish I was an 

Oscar-Mayer Wiener" . . .


Q.  Why did the man go fishing?

A.  Just for the halibut.


A bar patron ordered a Manhattan. When served

there was a piece of parsley floating in the glass. 

"What in the world is this?" asked the man.

The bartender replied, "Central Park."


Q.  What would happen if a dairy cow exploded?

A.  Udder disaster!


Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by 

the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They 

walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.  

Before long, along came this little old man. The son 

said, "Ooh dad, there's one."  "No," said the father. 

"There's not enough meat on that one to even 

feed the dogs. We'll just wait." Well, a little while 

later, along came this really fat man. The son said, 

"Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father 

said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in 

that one. We'll just wait." About an hour later, here 

comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.  The son 

said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. 

Let's eat her."  "No," said the father. "We'll not eat 

her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, 

we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."


A man goes into a bar very thirsty. He sits down waiting for
the bartender to see him. The man next to him calls for the
bartender saying, "I'll have another waterloo." The bartender
gives him a tall ice cold drink, then asks the newcomer what
he would like to drink. Wanting to try this new drink he says
"I'll have a waterloo too." The bartender gives him a tall ice
cold drink. He takes a big drink and says "HEY! This isn't
any good. It tastes just like water!" The man next to him
looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it is water...right Lou?”


"I think I deserve a raise," the man said to his boss. "You know...

there are three other companies after me." "Is that so?" asked 

the manager. "What other companies are after you?"  "Well...

the electric company, the phone company, and the gas company."


A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in
and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms
or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and
raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After
21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes
him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the
bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking
his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! - A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The
father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
chant "Take another drink!" But the bartender still shakes
his head in dismay.

Swoooop! - Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his
son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is
getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down,
grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! - Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully
thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles
to the left.... then to the right....right through the front door, into
the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly!
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender
sighs and says...

"It's the same old story. That boy should have quit while he was a head!"


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother
had several strands of white hair sticking out, in contrast on her
brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,
"Mommy, why are some of your hairs white?" Her mother replied,
"Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or
unhappy, one of my hairs turns white. "The little girl was silent for
a while, and then said, "Poor Grandma. You must have been very,
very hard to raise."

This was headlined as a true story, though no reference was sited.....
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he
happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him
regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with
one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything
and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In
desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved
so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly
took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine.
At the end of the day, he marked a small "X" in chalk on a
particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where
your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine
worked perfectly again. The next week, the company received
a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded
an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark ... $1
Knowing where to put it .... $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.


Irony, not a joke....
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National
Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball
point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen
was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also
enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth.
The Soviet Union was also faced with the same problem of writing
in zero gravity... so they used a pencil.
"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?"  
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way
restaurant and then to an apartment."  A big smile crossed Jane's face.
 "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating. "Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you."

"Organizers of the first 'National Orgasm Week' held this year were
very disappointed with the results obtained. It
seems at least three-quarters of the women polled just
pretended to celebrate it."

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her
mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something
that I didn't do." The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm
going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way,
what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they
heard a guy yelling for help. It was G.W. Bush. He was
drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked
them profusely and promised them whatever they wanted
as a reward. The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave
him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so
Bush gave the boy a Ferrari. The third boy wanted a
wheelchair. Bush said, "Why do you want one of those,
son, you're not handicapped?" The boy replied, "I will
be when my dad finds out whose life I saved!"
Source: jokesgalore.com

Q.  Where does a worm go in a corn field?
    
A.  In one ear and out the other.

"It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front
of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner,
Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is,"
I replied." Puzzled, the boy looked at me, and then towards
the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
Source: laughshop.com

Three travelers, an American, a Russian, and an Egyptian,
were circumnavigating the globe in a balloon. The Russian
man put his hand out and reached down into the clouds.
"Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland." "How
can you tell?" asked the American. "I can feel the cold air"
he replied. A few days later the African man put his hand
through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland"
he said. "How do you know that?" asked the Russian.
"I can feel the heat of the desert." Several more days
later the American put his hand through the clouds.
"Aah, we're right over New York." The Russian and
the African were amazed. "How do you know all of
that?!" they exclaimed. The American pulled his hand
in and held it up for them to see. "My watch is missing."
Source: GCFL.net

A List of New Short Books...

A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
Career Opportunities for History Majors
Contraception by Pope John Paul II
Detroit - A Travel Guide
Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
Easy UNIX
Everything Men Know About Women
French Hospitality
Bob Dole: The Wild Years
How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
Popular Lawyers
Staple Your Way to Success
The Amish Phone Book
What Americans know about Canada
Hot Internet Stock Buys


According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows
no signs of stopping. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last
week's news that Origami Bank had folded we have more breaking news...
We are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans
to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is
(you guessed it!) going for a song! Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank
have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank,
and staff there fear they may get a raw deal...stay tuned...

A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.
As he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system.
"Will the gentleman on the lady's tee please move back to the
men's tee". He looked up and then resumed addressing the
ball again. The Voice again- "Will the Man on the Red tees
move back to the White Tees"!! He looked back at the starters
shack and yelled, "Will the man on the p.a. shut up so that the
man on the lady's tee can hit his second shot."
What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift to women?

Exchange him.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things
were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when
to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and
out I go." "But how do you know when you are going to land?"
he was asked. I have a very keen sense of smell and I can
smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground,"
he answered. But how do you know when to lift your legs for
the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He
quickly answered "Oh, that's the easy part. It's when the
dog's leash goes slack."
Nick and Lou head out for a quick round of golf. Since they

are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Nick
says to Lou, "Let's say we make the time worth the while,
at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for
the day." Lou agrees and they enjoy a great game. After
the 8th hole, Lou is ahead by 1 stroke, but slices his ball
into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball; you look
over there," he says to Nick. After 5 minutes, neither has
had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point
penalty, Lou pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to
the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.
Nick looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been
friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!"
"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right
here!" "And a liar, too!" Nick says with amazement.
"I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the
last five minutes!"

Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman who have
never met before find themselves in the same sleeping
carriage of a train. It's late, the train is full, and everyone
else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment,
they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top
bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the
woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but
I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly
pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with
a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's
pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

Q.  If a basketball team were chasing a baseball team, what time would it be?

 

A. Five after nine.


A young boy refused to do his homework, and his father was trying to convince him to do it.  He said to his son: "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."  The son replied:  "Well, when Lincoln was your age, he was President!"


Q. Why didnít the oyster share the profits from his pearl?

 

A. He was shellfish


Q. Did you hear the one about the hot dog?

A. Itís one you will relish.


Q. What's a bee's favorite song?

A. Stinging in the Rain.


Q. Why couldn't the Eskimo leave home?

A. He was stuck in his ig-glue.

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