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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 10

 

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Page 24 Lists Page
Attorney Jokes Blonde Jokes Holiday Jokes Lists Page

 

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Some colonial humor....

What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the
Declaration of Independence with a rooster?
John Hancock-a-doodle-doo!

What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold!

What did Paul Revere say at the end of his ride?
"I gotta get a softer saddle!"

What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!

What do you call a parade of German mercenaries?
A Hessian procession!

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small
curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it was a crack-up!

What would you get if you crossed George Washington
with cattle feed?
The Fodder of Our Country!

What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!

What's red, white, blue, and gross?
Uncle Spam!

What's red, white, black and blue?
Uncle Sam falling down the steps!

What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?
Liberty!

What was General Washington's favourite tree?
The infantry!

Which colonists told the most jokes?
Punsylvanians!

What would you get if you crossed Washington's home

with nasty insects?
Mt. Vermin


A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large
beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner?
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that
this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it
says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but
decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung
the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new
madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then
thought "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from
school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit taken aback at first, but then began to
laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband,
Keith, came home from work, and the women wondered what the bird's
reaction would be to him. They got their answer when the bird looked at
him and said, "Hi Keith!"

A young lad is caught stealing soap from the local soap factory.

When the case comes to court the judge decides to make an

example of him to discourage other youths from a life of crime.

Judge: "Well, what have you to say in your defense?"

Boy: "Only that I'm sorry your honor."

Judge: "Hrmph. I sentence you to 10 years hard labor, starting immediately." 

Boy: "But sir, it was only a few bars of cheap soap!" 

Judge: "Consider yourself lucky!--It could have been life boy."


A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. 

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away,

suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair

and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The

waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his

chair and out of sight under the table.  Still, the woman dining

across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware

that her dining companion had disappeared.  After the waitress

finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to

the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just

slid under the table."  The woman calmly looked up at her and

replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."


A young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play football. At the

end of the season, he returned home. As luck would have it, he

ran into his Rabbi at the airport.   The rabbi asked, "Are they

trying to convert you at South Bend?"   The youngster said,

"Of course not, Father!"  (Read it again, it might take a time or two).


A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families and young
couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly
at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is
a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his
order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a
table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There
was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it
in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted
out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile
in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then
set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites
of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what
they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal
for the two of them." As the man began to eat his French fries one young
man stood and came to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy
another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they
were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd
noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there
watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them
something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used
to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and
was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it
no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some
food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of
the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you
share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered...
"The teeth".
An Octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and

joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time
to play but was told there wasn't anybody he could play with because
they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that
he really wanted to play. Finally the Assistant Pro said he would play
with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap. The 80 year old
said, "I really don't need a handicap as I have been playing quite well.
The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps." And he did
play well. Coming onto the 18th the old man had a long drive, but it
landed in one of the sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the
sand trap he hit a very high ball which landed on the green and rolled
into the hole! The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent
was still standing. He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have
a problem getting out of sand traps?"

Replied the Octogenarian, "I do! Please give me a hand."


George Carlinisms....

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

 

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

 

Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?

 

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

 

Does killing time damage eternity?

 

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

 

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

 

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

 

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

 

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an

address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

 

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and

dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

 

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

 

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

 

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

 

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

 

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

 

Do pilots take crash-courses?

 

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

 

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID

that he just whipped out a quarter?

 

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical

situations?

 

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

 

How can there be self-help "groups"?

 

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

 

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

 

How many weeks are there in a light year?

 

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?

 

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

 

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her

friends?

 

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

 

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

 

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are girl Scout cookies made out of?

 

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

 

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

 

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

 

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

 

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

 

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

 

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

 

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

 

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

 

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, "when we are already there?

 

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Little Johnny was walking down the beach, and he spied a matronly

woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand.  He walked up to

her and asked, "Are you a Christian?"  "Yes." she replied. "Do you

read your Bible every day?" She nodded her head, "Yes."  "Do you

pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she  answered, "Yes." 

With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my  quarter

while I go swimming?"


Flight Funnies

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with
a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am,"
said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube,
we hope you'll think of US Airways."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you
don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."


More bad puns
A vampire walks into a bar, and asks for a "Large glass of A-positive blood."
The bartender looks him square in the eyes, and says
"I'm sorry, but we don't serve your type here!"

If you shake up a can of beer, and spill it on your stove twice,
do you get foam, foam on the range?

Did you hear about the guy who gave marijuana to seagulls?
He left no tern unstoned.

I saw a dermatologist about a nasty red patch on my skin.
I asked if it would get better, but he said he didn't want to make any rash promises.

My sister opened a computer store on a beach in Hawaii.
So she sells C shells down by the seashore.

I have to stop sending jokes about religion. Someone threatened
to put me on the Sects Offenders List.

Did you hear about the AT&T operator who was committed to an asylum...
They said she had too many hang-ups.

A guy turns up at a costume party carrying a woman on his back.
"And what are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"I'm a snail...can't you see, I'm carrying Michelle on my back!"


A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce,
and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle
of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily
like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation!!"

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