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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 13
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Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the
local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good
long look at their pickup trucks parked outside. One deacon ducked
down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my
pickup." The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make?
God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who
counts." The first deacon answered, "Yeah, but God won't tell my wife."
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married,
but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to
heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be
married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and
they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed,
but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred
years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married
in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or
so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best
not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said,
"We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe
that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we
can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took
me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you.
I'll never get a lawyer!"
Sign on door at nuclear plant: "Gone fission"
You know you might be in a redneck hotel when you call the front
desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink." and they say "Go ahead."
Q. Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A. Because they all have phones.
A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes
about their ailments. "My arm is so weak I can
hardly hold this coffee cup." "Yes, I know. My
cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in
my neck." "My blood pressure pills make me
dizzy." "I guess that's the price we pay for getting
old." "Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful
that we can still drive."
Many years ago, a lady named Mrs. Rosenberg
was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort
on Cape Cod --one that did not admit Jews. The
desk clerk looked down at his book and said,
"Sorry, no room. The hotel is full." Mrs.
Rosenberg said, "But your sign says that
you have vacancies." The desk clerk stammered
and then said curtly, "You know that we do not
admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of
town..." Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and
said, "I'll have you know, I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a
little test. How was Jesus born?" Mrs. Rosenberg
replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a
little town called Bethlehem." "Very good," replied
the hotel clerk. "Tell me more." Mrs. Rosenberg
replied, "He was born in a manger." "That's right,"
said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a
manger?" Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because
a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish
lady a room for the night!"
A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to
college at UVA. But her father said 'No Way!
You're going to By-God West Virginia Univ.'
Well she got her way and she went to UVA.
The first semester went by, and she wrote
home that she was getting married to a man
from Richmond, VA named Clarence. Her
father said 'I'll be damned if my daughter is
marrying a man from Richmond. You're
marrying a By-God West Virginian boy!'
So he sent his two sons to UVA to get their
sister. In a couple of days they returned. Dad
said 'Where is your sister?' They replied 'We
were almost there Daddy, and we came up
on this overpass that had this sign that read -
'Clarence 13'-6" - so we turned around and
got the hell out of there!'
Q. Why was the cannibal kicked out of school ?
A. He was caught buttering up the teacher.
There is an accordion player driving home from a late night gig.
Feeling tired, he pulls into a local store for some coffee. While
waiting to pay, he remembers that he locked his car doors but
left the accordion in plain view on the back seat of his car! He
rushes out only to realize that he is too late. The back window
of his car was smashed and somebody had already thrown in
two more accordions.
MOMMY'S LITTLE ANGEL
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,"Well, I'll just run in and out, and in and out,
and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after
a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take
him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was
beautiful. His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like
an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused
his grandmother a bit, and sheasked him "What makes you say
God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday
School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
As part of the admission procedure in the hospital where I work,
I ask the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, I print
it on an allergy band placed on the patient's wrists. Once when I
asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said she
couldn't eat bananas. Imagine my surprise when several hours
later a very irate son came out to the nurses' station
demanding, "Who's responsible for labeling my mother 'bananas'?"
A couple gets married and the wife puts a foot locker in the bedroom. She locks it, then puts the only key on a chain around her neck. For fifty years, her husband tries to figure out what's in there, but she always changes the subject, and avoids the issue. Finally, on the night of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, he says to her, "I've got to know what's in the trunk!" She takes the key, unlocks the foot locker, and inside there's two ears of corn and $25,000. The guy says, "What's with the two ears of corn?" She says, "Well, umm, in the fifty years, every time I broke our marriage vows, I put an ear of corn in the trunk." The guy figures, "Twice in fifty years, not so bad..." Then he says, "And what's the $25,000?"She says, "Well, everytime I got a bushel, I sold it."
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he
said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed
uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney
Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a
check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to
decide this case solely on its merits!
day an attorney remarked to a friend,
“I just finished a
“That seems like an awfully long time to do a puzzle.”
at all,” she explained. “The box
says 6 to 12 years.”
started with, "This was England's
teacher then said, "Ask not what
your country can do for you."
that he had missed two golden
overhearing this comment, the outraged
young man comes home and says
"Dad, I just got my driver's
young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand.
I got great marks on my report card.
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old
son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where
a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the
son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy
thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
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