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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 13


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Page 24 Lists Page
Attorney Jokes Blonde Jokes Holiday Jokes Lists Page


Submit your joke here

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the

local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good

long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.  One deacon ducked

down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my

pickup."  The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make?

God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who

counts."  The first deacon answered, "Yeah, but God won't tell my wife."

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married,

but a tragic car accident ended their lives.  When they got to

heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be

married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and

they still desired wedded union.  He thought about it and agreed,

but said they would have to wait.  It was almost one hundred

years later when St. Peter sent for them.  They were married

in a simple ceremony.  So things went on, for thirty years or

so, but they determined, in this time,  that eternity was best

not spent together.  They went back to St. Peter, and said,

"We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe

that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we

can get divorced?"  "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took

me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you.

I'll never get a lawyer!"

Sign on door at nuclear plant: "Gone fission"

You know you might be in a redneck hotel when you call the front

desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink." and they say "Go ahead."

Q.  Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?


A. Because they all have phones.

A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes 

about their ailments.  "My arm is so weak I can 

hardly hold this coffee cup."  "Yes, I know. My 

cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."  

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in 

my neck." "My blood pressure pills make me 

dizzy."  "I guess that's the price we pay for getting 

old."  "Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful 

that we can still drive."

Many years ago, a lady named Mrs. Rosenberg 

was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort 

on Cape Cod --one that did not admit Jews. The 

desk clerk looked down at his book and said, 

"Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."  Mrs. 

Rosenberg said, "But your sign says that 

you have vacancies."  The desk clerk stammered 

and then said curtly, "You know that we do not 

admit Jews.  Now if you will try the other side of 

town..."  Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and 

said, "I'll have you know, I converted to your religion."  

The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a 

little test.  How was Jesus born?"  Mrs. Rosenberg 

replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a 

little town called Bethlehem."  "Very good," replied 

the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."  Mrs. Rosenberg 

replied, "He was born in a manger."  "That's right," 

said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a 

manger?"  Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because 

a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish 

lady a room for the night!"

A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to 

college at UVA.  But her father said 'No Way! 

You're going to By-God West Virginia Univ.' 

Well she got her way and she went to UVA. 

The first semester went by, and she wrote 

home that she was getting married to a man 

from Richmond, VA named Clarence. Her 

father said 'I'll be damned if my daughter is 

marrying a man from Richmond. You're 

marrying a By-God West Virginian boy!'  

So he sent his two sons to UVA to get their 

sister. In a couple of days they returned. Dad 

said 'Where is your sister?'  They replied 'We 

were almost there Daddy, and we came up 

on this overpass that had this sign that read - 

'Clarence 13'-6" - so we turned around and 

got the hell out of there!'

Q.  Why was the cannibal kicked out of school ?

A.  He was caught buttering up the teacher.

There is an accordion player driving home from a late night gig.

Feeling tired, he pulls into a local store for some coffee.  While

waiting to pay, he remembers that he locked his car doors but

left the accordion in plain view on the back seat of his car! He

rushes out only to realize that he is too late. The back window

of his car was smashed and somebody had already thrown in

two more accordions.

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,"Well, I'll just run in and out, and in and out,
and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

God Paints
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after
a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take
him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was
beautiful. His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like
an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused
his grandmother a bit, and sheasked him "What makes you say
God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday
School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

As part of the admission procedure in the hospital where I work,
I ask the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, I print
it on an allergy band placed on the patient's wrists. Once when I
asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said she
couldn't eat bananas. Imagine my surprise when several hours
later a very irate son came out to the nurses' station
demanding, "Who's responsible for labeling my mother 'bananas'?"
A couple gets married and the wife puts a foot locker in the bedroom. She locks it, then puts the only key on a chain around her neck. For fifty years, her husband tries to figure out what's in there, but she always changes the subject, and avoids the
Finally, on the night of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, he says to her, "I've got to know what's in the trunk!" She takes the key, unlocks the foot locker, and inside there's two ears of corn and $25,000.  The guy says, "What's with the two ears of corn?" She says, "Well, umm, in the fifty years, every time I broke our marriage vows, I put an ear of corn in the trunk." The guy figures, "Twice in fifty years, not so bad..." Then he says, "And what's the $25,000?"She says, "Well, everytime I got a bushel, I sold it."
Justice Served?

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he
said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed
uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney
Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a
check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to
decide this case solely on its merits!

One day an attorney remarked to a friend, “I just finished a
puzzle and it only took me five months.”
“Five months?” her friend asked.

“That seems like an awfully long time to do a puzzle.”

“Not at all,” she explained. “The box says 6 to 12 years.”

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to
motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote
and the first student to correctly identify who said it would
receive the rest of the day off.

She started with, "This was England's finest hour."
Little Suzi instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations!" said the teacher. "You may go home."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you."
Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belted out,
"John F. Kennedy." "Very good!" exclaimed the teacher.
"You may go home, too."

Irritated that he had missed two golden opportunities, Little
Johnny blurted out, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher
demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his
feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."

George W. Bush was thrilled at finally being able to spend
his first night in the White House, but something very strange
happened. On the very first night, he was awakened by George
Washington's ghost. Bush asked the ghost, "President
Washington, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised
Washington. With all the excitement of the White House, Bush
still couldn't sleep well, and then, later on that night, the ghost
of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom,
what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush
asked. "Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government,"
Jefferson answered. Bush still couldn't sleep well, so much
later, on the same night he saw another ghostly figure moving
in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what
is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.
Honest Abe replied, "Go see a play."

A young man comes home and says "Dad, I just got my driver's
license, can I use the family car." The father replies, "Okay, son.
But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room
clean, make certain the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back
in a few months and then we'll see."
Several months pass and the 

young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. 

"Dad, I got great marks on my report card.
I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always
ship-shape. Can I use the car now?" Father replies, "That's all true,
but son you didn't cut your hair." The son responds, "But, dad, Jesus
had long hair." The father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right.
And he walked everywhere he went.

True Definitions

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old

son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where
a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the
son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy
thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

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