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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 18
Submit your joke here
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday
of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in
one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens
of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the
California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess
Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours, as long time
friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as the
man who "never knew how much he was kneaded". Fresh rose
quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many
turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting
most of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty
old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by
his second wife -- they have two children and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 4:25 for about 20 minutes.
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer
standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car
over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just
standing there, doing nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks
all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Excuse me mister,
but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win
a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well...I heard
they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked
women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife
doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa!
Q. How was the Mississippi riverboat gambler able to fill out his royal flush?
A. He was Delta Queen
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that
in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will
reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!"
says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt
of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits
surrounded by a faint halo of light. One of his colleagues whispers,
"Say something." The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken
Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm
was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar
of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day:
The first worm, in alcohol---dead.
Second worm, in cigarette smoke---dead.
Third worm, in sperm---dead.
Fourth worm, in soil---alive.
Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.
Christmas Break was over and the teacher was asking the
class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and
asked what he did over the break. "We visited my grandmother
in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied. "That sounds
like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said. "Can you
tell the class how you spell that?" Little Johnny thought about it
and said, "You know, come to think of it, we went to Ohio."
A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day
and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month
later, when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor
asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?"
Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills,
but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey."
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had
married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are
celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down
the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they
find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved
"I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money
falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly
picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they
take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty
thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it
back." She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the
money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in
the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their
home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any
money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" She says,
"No." The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." But the
agents sit the man down and begin to question him.
One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking
home from school yesterday . . . " The FBI guy looks at
his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."
Manager: "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary."
Applicant: "Well, the work is much harder when you don't know what you're doing!"
A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the
priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?"
The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the
green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out
a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about
you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep
our head down."
The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister
asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy
replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are
you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard
Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner
today as any other day.'"
Ole and Lena went to the same church. Lena went every
Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on
Christmas and Easter, and maybe a few times during the year.
One Sunday, Ole was sitting in the pew right behind Lena
and got to noticing what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned
forward and said, "Lena, how about you and me go to
dinner in New Ulm next Friday?" "Yes, Ole, that would
be nice," Lena replied. Ole was tickled as all get out.
All week long he polished his old Ford truck. On Friday
he picked up Lena and took her to the finest restaurant in
New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked at Lena
and asked, "Lena, would you like a cocktail before supper?"
"Oh, no, Ole," Lena said, "What would I tell my Sunday School
class?" Ole was a little taken back, but he didn't say much
about it. After dinner, he reached in his pocket and pulled
out a pack of cigarettes, offering Lena one. "Oh, no, Ole,"
Lena said, "What would I tell my Sunday School
class?" Well, Ole was feeling kind of low, having had two
offers rebuffed. On the way home, as they passed the Hot
Springs Motel, he figured, heck, he'd struck out twice, so he
had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena, would you like to stop at
the motel with me?" "Yes, Ole, that would be nice," she
replied. Ole couldn't believe his luck. He whipped his Ford
into the parking lot, jumped out of the truck, ran into the hotel
office, checked in, ran back out, and took Lena right to the hotel
room. The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying on
the bed, her hair spread out all over the pillow. "What have I done,
what have I done?" Ole thought. He shook Lena awake. "Lena,
I've got to ask you one thing." "What's that?" she said, sleepily.
"What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
"The same thing I always tell them. You don't have to drink and
smoke to have a good time."
A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D.C.
The guide pointed out the place where George Washington
supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River. "That's
impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that
far!" "You have to remember," answered the guide. "A
dollar went a lot farther in those days."
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub. The place
was hopping with music and dancing and the lights were
always turning on and off. Each time after the lights would
go out the place would erupt into cheers. When the revelers
saw the pastor the room went dead silent. He walked up
to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why
not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"
"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked
woman in there, and she's covered only by a fig leaf."
"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way." So
the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of
the stairs, and he proceeded through the silent pub to the
restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out, and the
whole place was hopping with music and dancing again.
He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand.
When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and
dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to
the restroom, and now the place is hopping again." "Well,
now you're one of us." said the bartender. "Would you like
a drink too?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled
pastor. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig
leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place.
Now, how about a drink?"
A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his
car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him
from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle
and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he
was calm, they asked him why he struggled so, he said,
"I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a
concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And
somebody was standing in front of the 'S'!"
Q. How do you know sardines are crazy fish?
A. They crawl into a can, lock themselves in and leave the key outside.
The driver of a tractor trailer lost control of his rig, plowed
into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He
climbed down from the wreckage and looked around. Within
a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up and unloaded
a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece
of the former toll-booth and spread some kind of creamy
substance on it, then they began fitting the pieces together.
In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth
reconstructed and good as new. "Astonishing!" the truck
driver said to the crew chief. "What was that white stuff you
used to get all of the pieces together?" The crew chief said,
"Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord,
I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know
you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and
all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake,
but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from
above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man
for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?" "This man will be a flawed
creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego
and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in
all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster
and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting
and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants,
and not altogether bad in the sack." "Sounds great," says Eve,
with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah, well. He's better than
a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on
one condition." "What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Dan had been complaining about these weird pains and finally
went to the doctor. The doctor gave him a thorough examination.
After the doctor was done checking the results (twice, mind you),
he took Dan into an empty examining room and said, "Well, I've got
some good news and I've got some bad news." Dan gulped and
said, "How about the good news first?" "Ok. They're going to name
a disease after you."
Q. Why was the cannibal kicked out of school ?
A. He was caught buttering up the teacher.
One night a man - who was in no shape to drive - wisely
left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking
unsteadily along the road, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said. "And just who is
going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My
wife." said the man.
Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a
redneck, are all sitting down to lunch. The Chinese man
says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself."
The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill
myself." The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock,
I'll kill myself." The next day, all three men get the same
lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming
train. At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only
I hadn't packed an egg roll that day." The Italian guy's
wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day."
"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done
packed his own vittles."
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with
one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and
said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted
friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" Yeah, buddy,
I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino
said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."
Q. What has 18 legs, is covered with red spots, and catches flies?
A. A baseball team with the measles.
Q. What do you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?
A. A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush. (E-ditor's note: I love that joke)
Q: Do you know what they call a musician that has no girlfriend?
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using
sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign
language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him,
the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The
bartender explained that these were regular customers and had
taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great. A
few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were
waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and
signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of
the bar. The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said,
"If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"
Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when
suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties.
He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled
to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To
his horror he saw a train coming. Panicked he started to
pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll
stop being bad!" Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck.
He looked up to see the train getting closer! He prayed
again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop swearing
AND being bad!" Still nothing his foot was wedged tight.
The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled
frantically as the train's horn blared. He tried his plea one
more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the
tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop
trying to look up little Mary's dress." Just as the train was
about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards,
the train narrowly missing him. He got up, dusted himself off,
looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."
The Lord came to Noah in Canada in the year 2002. Earth
was wicked and over populated (There was a terrible war in
distant lands because of greed for power and money. The
Lord instructed Noah to rebuild the Ark and save two of every
living thing along with a few good humans. "Here's the blueprint,"
said the Lord. "Hurry - in six months I start the unending rain
for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later the rain came
down. The Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his
flooded yard - and no Ark. "Noah," He roared, "Where's my
Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "Things have changed.
I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector
about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that
I have violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the
Ark in my yard and the height limitation being exceeded.
We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a
decision. Then Transport Canada and the Department of
Highways and Hydro wanted a bond posted for the future
costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions,
to clear the passage for the Arks move to the sea. I argued
the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear
nothing of this."Getting wood was another problem. There's
a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the
wood to save the owls. No go! I gathered the animals.
But then I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted
that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well,
they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it
was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in so
confined a space. Environment Canada decided that I could
not build the Ark without filing an environmental impact
statement on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to
resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission
on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my
building crew. The trades union wants me to hire only union
trades people with Ark building experience. To make
matters worse, Canada Customs and Revenue Agency
seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the
country illegally as well as with endangered species..
So, forgive me Lord, but it would take at least ten years
to finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared and the
sun began to shine. A rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder. "You mean you're not going
to destroy the World?" he asked. "No," said the Lord.
"Your Government already has!"
Q. What do you call a lonely Korean fish spirit?
A. A sole Seoul sole soul
How Lotteries REALLY Work
A man moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. Come morning, the
farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well then, just give me my money back." "Can't do that. I went and spent
it already." "OK then, just unload the donkey." "What ya gonna do with em."
"I'm gonna raffle him off." "Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!" "Sure I can.
Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead." A month later the farmer met
up with the guy and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?" "I raffled
him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898." "Didn't no
one complain?" "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."
A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.
She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."
The patrol officer stopped a motorist for a traffic violation.
Standing outside his expensive foreign car, the red-faced
driver frantically waved his hands and jumped up and down.
"I'll have your job for this!" he shouted at the top of his lungs.
"Sir, you wouldn't want my job," replied the unruffled officer
as he wrote out the citation. "The hours are long, the pay is
low, and you meet some of the nastiest people."
One morning as Professor Jones was leaving for the university
his wife told her absent-minded husband, "Don't forget we are
moving today. If you come to this house this afternoon it will be empty."
Predictably he didn't remember until he found the house vacated
that afternoon. He mumbled to himself, "And where was it we were
moving to?" He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl,
"Did you see a moving van here today, little girl?" "Yes," she replied.
"Would you know which way it went?" She looked up at him and
said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you."
Q. Why doesn't Sweden export cattle?
A. Because it wants to keep its Stockholm
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog.
His search ended when he found a dog that could actually
walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find,
he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a
pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and
his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks
flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and
jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but
instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never
getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long;
each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of
the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully,
saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive
home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything
unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded the
pessimist. "He can't swim."
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
A father from Europe is visiting his son in America for the
very first time. They are at the local supermarket going up
and down the aisles. Dad: "Vas diss, powdered orange juice?"
Son: "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have
fresh orange juice!" A few minutes later, in a different aisle
the father says: "Und vas dis, powdered milk?" Son: "Yeah,
Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!"
A few minutes later, in a different aisle the father says:
"Und give look here. Baby Powder! Vat a country! Dey
take da fun outta making everyting!"
After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a city suburb,
a fellow passenger on a train asked how he liked it in the
country. "It was difficult at first," the man replied, "but it's
a lot better since I got myself a paramour." The passenger
was astonished. "A paramour?" he said. "Does your wife
know?" "Sure," said the Southerner. "But why should she
care how I cut the lawn?
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his
parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant
father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked
when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny
excitedly, "when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"
So this skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer........and a mop.
A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road.
As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. 'Kiss me and I will
turn into a princess.' The guy picks the frog up and puts it in
his pocket. The frog starts shouting, 'Hey! Didn't you hear me?
I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.' The guy takes
the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back. The
frog is really frustrated. 'I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me?
I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.'
The guy says, 'Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time
for girls. But a talking frog is cool!'
Q: What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
A: Outlaws are wanted.
Q. When is a car full of water?
A. When itís a carpool.
Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $5,000,000 Question.
The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired
a question on American History. The big night had arrived. Bob
made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience.
He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest
this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mike.
"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question.
You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will
walk away $5,000,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?" Bob
nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He
hadn't missed a question all week. "Bob, your question on
American History is a two-part question. As you know, you
may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the
question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a
stab at first?" Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous.
He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American
History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. "I'll try
the easier part first, give me the second question." The M.C.
nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second
half first, then the first half." The audience silenced with gross
anticipation . . ."Bob, here is your question: And in what
year did it happen??"
Headline in today's newspaper:
"Suicidal Twin kills sister by mistake"!
Q. What do you get when you mix prune juice with holy water?
A. A religious movement!!!
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling
off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You
English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... I
have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish
blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman replied, with a smile,
"Very sporting of your
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