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Attorney Jokes Blonde Jokes Holiday Jokes Lists Page

 

Submit your joke here


Did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped from jail?

The headlines in the newspaper read "Small Medium At Large!"


A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when 

he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at 

the fence, soaking in the  whole event.  The man 

thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start 

explaining the birds and bees.  No need to jump the 

gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."  After 

everything was over, the man walked over to his son 

and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" 

"Just one Dad." gasped the still wide-eyed lad.  Just 

as the father is preparing his birds and bees story, his 

son asks - "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"


George W. Bush is sitting in the White House kitchen 

putting together a puzzle and having a very difficult 

time of it. His wife Laura comes into the kitchen and 

asks what he's doing.  George looks up at her with a 

very confused expression and says, "I'm trying to do 

this darn tiger puzzle, but I can't seem to make the 

pieces fit right."  The First Lady sighs and says, "Put 

the Frosted Flakes back in the box, George, and 

come to bed."


Q.  What is the name of the fairy tale about a woman 

who uses her premium charge card to purchase aspirin 

for herself and two friends?

 

A.  Gold Deluxe and the three Bayers


A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an

electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic

navigation and communications equipment.  Due to the clouds

and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position

and course to steer to the airport.  The pilot saw a tall building,

flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in

the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign read "WHERE AM I?"

in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded

to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign read "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER". The pilot smiled,

waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the

Seattle-Tacoma airport, and landed safely.  After they were on

the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN

A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.  The pilot

responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because,

similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but

completely useless answer."


Q.  Why can't bicycles stand on their own?

A.  Because they are two-tired.


A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.  
The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about
symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when
she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet and I don't need
to ask my patients these kind of questions:  I can tell what's
wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down,
quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said -
"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have
to have you put to sleep!"

"There probably aren't many Jewish girls dancing at Radio
City Music Hall, but it doesn't take a Rockette Zionist to figure
that one out."

The Inventor...

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding
bottle." "OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle, replies
the inventor." "A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something
else?" "I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a
folding carton." "And what do you call that?" asks the clerk. "A
farton", replies the inventor. "That's rude. You can't possibly call it
that!" "In that case," says the inventor..."You're really going to hate
the name of my folding bucket."


Q: Why didn't the baby goose believe anything his father said?

A: He thought it was all papagander.

Q.  Why do bees have sticky hair?

 

A.  Because they always use honeycombs


Nature has many laws that hold fast and true.  For example, 

a baby ape will always grow-up to be an ape; likewise, a 

baby baboon will become an adult baboon. A baby pig will 

mature into a full grown pig.  A baby jackass will always 

become a jackass. Yet oddly enough, women say a 

young man may grow-up to be any one of these.


Q.  What is unique about a goose?

 

A.  It grows down as it grows up


A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and 

sits down.  He bangs on the bar with his paw and 

demands a beer.  The bartender approaches and 

says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." 

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he 

be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, 

more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent 

bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, 

says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat 

that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender 

says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully 

bears in bars in Billings."  The bear goes to the end 

of the bar, and as promised eats the woman. He 

comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.  

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to 

belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on 

drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." The 

bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."


A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a
commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gavel on his table
and shouted, "Order, order." The drunkard immediately responded,
"Thank you, your honor, I'll have a Scotch and soda."


A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague and
reported excitedly that she'd just received a message from her
dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.
"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send
them." "Why not?" asked her friend. Well, he didn't actually say
he's in Heaven, but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell." "Hmmm,"
responded the friend. "Well, ... he didn't happen to mention anything
about including matches in the package, did he?"

The Pope returned to Rome airport after visiting the Latin America
churches. After getting all his luggage loaded into the Vatican limo (and
His Holiness doesn't travel light), the limo driver noticed the Pope still
standing on the curbside. "Your Holiness," says the driver. "Why
have you not seated yourself in this excellent limo?" "Well, to tell
you the truth, my son," says the Pope, "they never let me
drive at the Vatican and I'd really like to drive." "That is very much
against the rules!" protests the driver. "There might be something
extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in
the back as the Pope gets in behind the wheel. He quickly regrets
his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerates
the limo to 105 mph. "Please! Please! Please don't drive so fast,
your Holiness," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the
pedal to the metal. Then they hear the siren. "Oh, my gosh, now
I am surely losing my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls
over and rolls down the window as the Roma Highway patrolman
approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his
motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief,"
he says to the dispatch. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop
tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So
bust him," said the Chief. "I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.
"All the more reason." "No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.
"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?" "Bigger." "Governor?" "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" "I don't know", said the cop,
"but he's got the Pope driving for him."


Q.  What did the rope say after it got tangled?
A.  Oh, no, knot again!


Q. How Many Men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A. We don't know, it's never happened.


Q.  What do you call a man with seagulls flying round his head?

A.  Cliff


Q.  What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

A.  Doug


Q.  What do you call him when he takes it out?

A.  Douglas


Q.  What did the little porcupine say when it backed into a
cactus?

A.  Is that you mom?


Golf Buddies
There was an old man named Bill, and one of the things he
most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred. Bill's
wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game.
But one day he came home from their weekly game looking
terrible and very tired. His wife asked, "What's the matter, Bill?
You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable
right now." Bill said, "Well, something terrible happened.
Fred had a heart attack on the first hole." My God, honey!"
said the wife, rushing to comfort him. "That must've been
terrible!" "It was," he said. "All day long it was: hit the ball,
drag Fred to the ball, and then hit it again..."

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was
eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl
standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest
of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy
approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she
was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was
in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy
offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated,
then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling
she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why
are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl
said with great exasperation, "I'm the
goalie!"

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man 

who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by 

the entire world, Catholic or not. As the Pope approached the gates of 

heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace. 

"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in 

serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature 

in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are 

granted free access to all parts of heaven."  "You are also granted 

an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any 

heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment." "Is 

there anything which your holiness desires?"  "Well, yes," the Pope 

replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have 

puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages.  Are there 

perhaps any transcripts which recorded the Actual conversations 

between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was 

actually said, with-out the dimming of memories over time."  Saint 

Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and 

explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was 

thrilled and settled down to review the History of man's relationship 

with God. Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks 

of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came 

running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a 

parchment, repeating over and over - There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- 

it's celibRate!"


Q.  Where do you find elephants?

 

A.  It depends on where you lost them.


Bambi was excited as she took her first trip to Paris and boarded 

the big four-engine plane carrying passengers from the US to France 

across the Atlantic. The flight was going well, until the pilot came on 

the PA and said, "Attention, passengers. One of our engines has 

broken down. Don't worry, we can still go on with three, but there 

will be a two-hour delay." About half an hour later, the pilot comes 

on the PA again. "Attention, it seems we have lost another engine. 

Don't worry, we can go on with two, but there will be a four-hour 

delay." A little while later, the pilot makes another announcement 

that a third engine has gone, and there will be a six-hour delay. 

At this point, Bambi expressed her concern to the passenger beside 

her, saying "If that fourth engine goes out, we'll be up here all darn day."


An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She asked him, 'Daddy, what is sex?' The father was surprised

that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is
old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get
a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds
and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was
looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked
her, 'Why did you ask this question?' The little girl replied, 'Mom
told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple
of secs.'

The minister had just finished an excellent chicken dinner

at the home of a member of his congregation. Sitting on the
porch after dinner he saw a rooster come strutting through
the yard. "That's certainly a proud-looking rooster you have
there," the minister commented. "Yes sir," replied the farmer.
"He has reason to be proud, one of his sons just entered the
ministry!"


A local United Way office realized that it had never received a
donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person
in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to
give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled
this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also
show that my mother is living in a shabby little apartment, and
has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Ummm...no."
"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, cannot hold a steady
job?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an
apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister is a single mother
with three children to raise?!" The humiliated United Way rep,
completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't
give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!"

There was a man who always seemed to lean slightly to the
left all the time. It used to bother a friend of his, so the friend
suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out.
For years, he refused. Told the friend he was crazy, but then
one day, he finally went. Sure enough, the doctor discovered
his left leg was a quarter inch shorter than his right. A quick
bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs
were exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.
"So," the friend said, "You didn't believe me when I told you
a doctor could fix your leg." He just looked at the friend and
said, "I stand corrected."

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on 

from generation to generation says, "When you 

discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best 

strategy is to dismount." However, in modern 

government, a whole range of far more advanced 

strategies are often employed such as:

 

Buying a stronger whip.

 

Changing Riders.

 

Threatening the horse with termination.

 

Appointing a committee to study the horse.

 

Arranging to visit other countries to see how 

other cultures ride dead horses.

 

Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

 

Reclassifying the dead horse as "living impaired."

 

Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

 

Harnessing several dead horses together to increase 

the speed.

 

Providing additional funding and/or training to increase 

the dead horse's performance.

 

Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would 

improve the dead horse's performance.

 

Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, 

it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore 

contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the 

economy than do some other horses.

Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

 

Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.


A knight and his men return to their castle 

after a hard month of riding. "How are we faring?" 

his king asks. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have 

been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, 

burning the towns of your enemies in the west." 

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any 

enemies to the west!" "Oh." replies the knight. 

"Well, you do now."


Q.  Who was Tonto looking for in the bank?

 

A. The Loan Arranger


Q.  What do you get if you cross an electric eel with a sponge?

 

A.  A shock absorber


"If a man is standing in the middle of the forest
speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is
he still wrong??

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out
women?? (He died laughing before he could tell
anyone...)

A college senior takes his new girlfriend to a football game.
The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and
were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game,
and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the
boy said to his girlfriend, "Keep an eye on that fellow. I
expect him to be our best man next year." His girlfriend
snuggled closer and said to the surprised young
man, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to
propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!"

Billy-Bob walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round
for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, seems you're
in a really good mood tonight, hm?" Billy-Bob says, "Oh, you
can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove
all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!" The
bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round.
Monday evening arrives. Billy-Bob comes back into the bar and
says "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!" The bartender
says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job,
I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"
Billy-Bob looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face,
pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says "You
mean they'll PAY me too?"

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