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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 4
Submit your joke here
Did you hear about
the psychic midget who escaped from jail? A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one Dad." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. Just as the father is preparing his birds and bees story, his son asks - "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?" George W. Bush is sitting in the White House kitchen putting together a puzzle and having a very difficult time of it. His wife Laura comes into the kitchen and asks what he's doing. George looks up at her with a very confused expression and says, "I'm trying to do this darn tiger puzzle, but I can't seem to make the pieces fit right." The First Lady sighs and says, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box, George, and come to
bed."
Q.
What is the name of the fairy tale
about a woman who uses her premium
charge card to purchase aspirin for
herself and two friends? A.
Gold Deluxe and the three Bayers A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign read "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER". The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the Seattle-Tacoma airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer." Q. Why can't bicycles stand on their own? A. Because they are two-tired. A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet and I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said - "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep!" "There probably aren't many Jewish girls dancing at Radio City Music Hall, but it doesn't take a Rockette Zionist to figure that one out." The Inventor... This man goes
along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. Q. Why do bees have sticky hair?
A. Because they always use honeycombs Nature has many laws that hold fast and true. For example, a baby ape will always grow-up to be an ape; likewise, a baby baboon will become an adult baboon. A baby pig will mature into a full grown pig. A baby jackass will always become a jackass. Yet oddly enough, women say a young man may grow-up to be any one of these. Q. What is unique about a goose?
A. It grows down as it grows up A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
A drunkard was brought to court. Just
before the trial there
was a A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes. "The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them." "Why not?" asked her friend. Well, he didn't actually say he's in Heaven, but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell." "Hmmm," responded the friend. "Well, ... he didn't happen to mention anything about including matches in the package, did he?" The Pope returned
to Rome airport after visiting the Latin America
Q. What did the rope say after it got
tangled? Q. How Many Men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A. We don't know, it's never happened. Q. What do you call a man with seagulls flying round his head? A. Cliff
Q. What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? A. Doug
Q. What do you call him when he takes it out? A. Douglas
Q. What did the little porcupine say when it backed into a
A. Is that you mom? Golf Buddies There was an old man named Bill, and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred. Bill's wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game. But one day he came home from their weekly game looking terrible and very tired. His wife asked, "What's the matter, Bill? You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable right now." Bill said, "Well, something terrible happened. Fred had a heart attack on the first hole." My God, honey!" said the wife, rushing to comfort him. "That must've been terrible!" "It was," he said. "All day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball, and then hit it again..." Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!" There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven." "You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment." "Is there anything which your holiness desires?" "Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the Actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the dimming of memories over time." Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the History of man's relationship with God. Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over - There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibRate!" Q. Where do you find elephants?
A. It depends on where you lost them. Bambi was excited as she took her first trip to Paris and boarded the big four-engine plane carrying passengers from the US to France across the Atlantic. The flight was going well, until the pilot came on the PA and said, "Attention, passengers. One of our engines has broken down. Don't worry, we can still go on with three, but there will be a two-hour delay." About half an hour later, the pilot comes on the PA again. "Attention, it seems we have lost another engine. Don't worry, we can go on with two, but there will be a four-hour delay." A little while later, the pilot makes another announcement that a third engine has gone, and there will be a six-hour delay. At this point, Bambi expressed her concern to the passenger beside her, saying "If that fourth engine goes out, we'll be up here all darn day." An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, 'Daddy, what is sex?' The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, 'Why did you ask this question?' The little girl replied, 'Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.' The minister had just finished an excellent chicken dinner
at the home of a member of his congregation. Sitting on the A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is living in a shabby little apartment, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Ummm...no." "--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, cannot hold a steady job?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister is a single mother with three children to raise?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!" There was a man who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother a friend of his, so the friend suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused. Told the friend he was crazy, but then one day, he finally went. Sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was a quarter inch shorter than his right. A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs were exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans. "So," the friend said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg." He just looked at the friend and said, "I stand corrected." The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation says, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount." However, in modern government, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed such as:
Buying a stronger whip.
Changing Riders.
Threatening the horse with termination.
Appointing a committee to study the horse.
Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
Reclassifying the dead horse as "living impaired."
Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position. A knight and his men return to their castle after a hard month of riding. "How are we faring?" his king asks. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west." "What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh." replies the knight. "Well, you do now." Q. Who was Tonto looking for in the bank?
A. The Loan Arranger Q. What do you get if you cross an electric eel with a sponge?
A. A shock absorber "If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?? Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?? (He died laughing before he could tell anyone...) A college senior takes his new girlfriend to a football game. The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Keep an eye on that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year." His girlfriend snuggled closer and said to the surprised young man, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!" Billy-Bob walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hm?" Billy-Bob says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!" The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round. Monday evening arrives. Billy-Bob comes back into the bar and says "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!" Billy-Bob looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says "You mean they'll PAY me too?" |
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