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A Better Nanny

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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 16

 

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Page 24 Lists Page
Attorney Jokes Blonde Jokes Holiday Jokes Lists Page

 

Submit your joke here


Ariel (the mermaid) was in trouble again. Her sisters were

complaining to King Neptune that she didn't want to dress properly,

as did the other mermaids. Instead of wearing anemones to obscure

her breasts, she would stick long fronds of seaweed in her hair.

Obviously these fronds did not always do their job because they

tend to move with the flow, and this really annoyed her sisters.

King Neptune, being a strict father, admonished his daughter

and insisted she discards the seaweed and wear her anemones

like a dutiful daughter should. "But father," Ariel argued, "with

fronds like these, who needs anemones?"


A jumper cable walks into a bar.  The bartender says "I'll serve you,

but don't start anything."


A sandwich walks into a bar.  The bartender says "Sorry,

we don't serve food in here."


So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra...


A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his

arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."


Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. 

The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.


Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.  Daisy says

to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."   "I don't

believe you," said Dolly.  It's true, no bull!"


Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  The one turns to the

other and says "Dam!"


One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a

little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most

would be able to pick out three hymns.  After the offering plates were

passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had

contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately

shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally

thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.  A very

quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor

asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.

He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked

her to pick out three hymns.  Her eyes brightened as she looked

over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in

the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."


Q.  What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?

A.  The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.


Five secrets for a great relationship 
1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
5. It is then extremely important that these four men never meet.


Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because

no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They

don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this

house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT.

And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light

bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD

for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle,

actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that

they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID

light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH

IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$%

LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE

EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T

ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE

12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!!

IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...I'm sorry...what did you ask me?


Q.  Do you know what you call a cow wearing hay?

A.  Cow-moflage


A lesson in perspective:

A snail was run over by a turtle.  The snail ended up in the hospital

and his friends came to visit him. One of them asked "What happened?"  

He said "I don't know, it all happened so fast".


The old spinster was rocking on her front porch with her tomcat

at her feet, when a good fairy suddenly appeared before her and

offered her three wishes.  "Aw, go on," the little old lady said in

disbelief, "if you can grant three wishes, let's see you turn this

rocking chair into a pile of gold?"  The good fairy waved her hand,

and "pouf", the rocking chair turned into a pile of pure gold.  Her

face lighting up, the lady said "I really get two more wishes?" 

"Yes", the good fairy assured her. "Anything your heart desires." 

"Then make me into a beautiful, voluptuous young woman." 

Another wave of her hand, and the wish was granted.  "Finally,

make my faithful old cat into a tall, dark and handsome young man." 

The good fairy waved her hand and disappeared as the third wish

came true, and a handsome muscular young man stood where the

tomcat had just been sleeping.  The young man approached the

once-old lady, took her in his arms and murmured..."Now, aren't

you sorry you sent me to the vet?"


A man drives to a gas station and fills up his tank. The curious

clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat. So, he asks

the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"  The

man says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them

but so far, I haven't a clue."  After thinking a moment the clerk

says, "I know... you should take them to the zoo."  "That's a

great idea," says the man in the car and drives away.  The next

day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The

clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. 

"Hey, what's up? You've still got the penguins! I thought you

were going to take them to the zoo?"  "Well, I did," says the

driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm taking them to the beach."


Q.  What do sing along machines in nightclubs have in common

with the Tulsa Municipal Bus Line?

A.  They both carry Okies


A guy enters a drugstore and lights up a cigar.  The owner, a bit outraged,

says -  "Sir, please refrain from smoking here, it is a public place.."  A bit

bewildered, the guy answers - "But it is only yesterday I bought those cigars

here." The owner quietly replies: "Irrelevant, sir, we also sell condoms here!"


An Indian chief sends his son off to college. The son comes home

with an electrical engineering degree. The first thing that the chief

wants his son to do is to install electric lights in the outhouse as

there are too many people stumbling around in the dark. The son

installs the lights and is thereafter known as the first man to wire

ahead for a reservation.


Inebriated drinker says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender,

buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." 

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00. 

The drunk says, "I haven't got it."  The bartender slaps the guy around

a few times then throws him out into the street.  The very next day the

same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), 

"Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give

me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he

can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives

him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house,

has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.  The

drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it, so he picks

the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him,  and throws him out into

the street.  The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar

and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the

house a drink, give me the bill."  In disgust the bartender says, "What,

no drink for me this time?'  The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink."


This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much

worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a

look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at

myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled

up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were

blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look

on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor

looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says,

"Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."


The Harvard School of Medicine did a study to determine why

married women love Chinese food so much.  The study

revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled

backwards is: Not Now.


Q.  What is worse than raining cats and dogs?

A.  Hailing taxicabs


John decided life would be much easier if he had a clone. So he

had one made and sent him to work in his place while he stayed

home and relaxed.  Soon this backfired when the clone came

home and said he'd been fired for making sexual comments to

the women in the office.  John decided, he had to get rid of his

clone before things got any worse. John took his clone to the

top of a tall building and pushed him off. Unfortunately, someone saw John

and he was arrested and convicted for making an obscene clone fall.


I am reading a most interesting book about anti-gravity.  I just can't put it down


Hu's in China?

We take you now to the Oval Office.

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of

China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the

Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.

Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk,

And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the

U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we

should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you

get Chinese food in the Middle East?


Q.  Everyone knows how the Green Giant dresses when he works

in the field. But when he goes to a corporate board meeting, what does he usually wear?

A.  A three pea suit


Q.  What do you get if you cross an oyster with an owl?

A.  Pearls of wisdom


Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.  "I know that

smart-alec Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about

that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."  "Not Tex,"

said the second. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks

in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."  "I know Tex better than any of you,"

said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here

he comes now!"  Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted,

"Audi, partners!"


A greenhorn visiting Alaska was talking to two old sourdoughs. 

They informed him he was a cheechako. The  greenhorn asked

how he could become a sourdough.  The two sourdoughs winked

at each other, and told him he had to do three things.  First, he

had to pee in the Yukon River.  Second, he had to wrestle with a

grizzly bear. And last, he had to make love to an Athabascan Indian

woman.  "No problem," said the cheechako, and off he went. He hired

himself a guide, and soon had dispatched his first duty. Then they

found the grizzly bear.  The cheechako chased the bear into a cave.

The most awful roaring and screaming emitted from that cave, along

with blood and fur.  Finally, the cheechako staggers out of the cave.

"Okay," he said to the guide.  "Where's that Indian woman I'm

supposed to wrassle?"


One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a

football game.  As the first half went along, the big animals were

scoring at will.  Every time they got the ball they would run it in

for a touchdown.  Then came the second half...First play: The

elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard

loss.  The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and

congratulating each other.  "Who made that tackle?" asked the ant.  

"I did," said the centipede.  Second play: The rhinoceros runs the

ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss. 

Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?" 

"I did," said the centipede.  Third play: The gorilla tries an end

sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks.  SMACK!!

Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.  Back in the huddle,

the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?"

The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my shoes!"


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher

said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human

because even though it was a  very large mammal its throat was

very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a

whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not

swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said,

"When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What

if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you  ask him".


A Sunday school teacher  was discussing the Ten Commandments

with her five and six year olds.  After explaining the commandment to

"honor thy Father and thy Mother,"  she asked, "is there a commandment

that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing

a beat one little boy (the oldest  of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."


The young ladies were taking their final vows to become nuns at the

Mass. The presiding bishop noticed two rabbis seated at the back

of the sanctuary. They'd insisted on sitting on the right side of the

center aisle.  The bishop was curious why they'd come, but didn't

have time to ask. He went ahead and started the ceremony. Later,

when it was time for announcements, the bishop went back to where

the rabbis sat.  "I'm delighted to see you both here and thank you for

coming.  But I'm a little curious as to why you're present on this

occasion where these young women are becoming 'Brides of

Christ'."  The more senior of the rabbis smiled, rose to his feet,

and explained, "We're 'Family of the Groom'."


Q.  How do you get a baby astronaut to go to sleep?

A.  Rocket


A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered

from the bartender... Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender:

"What is a B and C?"  Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?"

Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 15." Bartender: "What's a 15?"

Blonde: "7 and 7"


There was a little red man who lived in a little red house on a little red street

in a little red town. Now this little red man wanted to take a little red shower

so he put his little red towel on the little red towel rack. Just as he was about

to get in, the little red doorbell rang.  So he put his little red towel around

his little red waist and went to the little red door. He opened the little red

door and there stood a woman. Just then a big gust of wind came and

blew the little red towel away.  The woman screamed, ran across the

road and got hit by a car.  The moral of the story?

Never run across the road when the little red man is flashing.


Monika meets up with Judi as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.

Monika asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"  "Yes, thank goodness,"

Judi replies.  "Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"

"Yeah, but he didn't. I was SO relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."


After the Ark had successfully landed on Mt. Ararat, the survivors went forth.

After a while, one of the wives noticed her father-in-law sitting on the ground

and chewing animal hides. Every now and then, the father-in-law would

chew a particularly hirsute hide and make a notation on a tablet. 

The wife asked her husband what his father was doing, to

which the son replied, "What can I say, there is Noah counting fur tastes."


A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an

elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring

he had ever seen. He asked her about it.  "This is the Klopman

diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse

that goes with it."  "What's the curse?" the man asked.  "Mr. Klopman."


Q:  What do you get if you leave a pile of bones in the sun?

A:   A Skele-tan.


Former Olympic skier Picabo Street took some of the money she

earned from endorsements and donated a new wing to the hospital

in her hometown.  Now if you get hurt, you can go to the Picabo I.C.U.


A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered

dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of

seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to

go out and trap some more.  On the way back, he spied two lions

asleep on the road.  Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped

over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with

transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.


A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. 

She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely.

I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs

at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"  "I'm sure I can," the

psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."


The psychiatrist's receptionist went to her boss and said,

"Doctor, there's a man in the office who thinks he's

invisible."  The psychiatrist replied, "tell him I can't see him."


A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.

The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three

different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big

glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of

water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with

another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine

the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says,

"You're not drinking enough water."


International Restaurant?

Waitress: Are you very Hungary?

Diner: Yes, Siam.

Waitress: What would you like me to Serbia?

Diner: I'll have a Turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee.

Waitress: Would you like anything India coffee?

Diner: Just a Cuba sugar would be fine.

Waitress: Okay, I'll Russia your order.

Diner: I hope the sandwich doesn't have any Greece on it.


A man goes to his doctor. 'If I see someone riding a bike when

I'm walking down the street, I get this terrible urge to throw myself

under the wheels. Do you think I'm mad?' The doctor thinks for

a moment, then says; 'No, you're just a cycle path."


A man walks into a bar with a little salamander-looking creature

in his hand. The barman looks at the creature and

asks the man what he calls it. "His name is Tiny," replies the man. 

"Why do you call him that?" asks the bartender.  "Because he's my newt!"


A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the

first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things -

chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was

obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was

running out of things to amuse him with.  Finally, the uncle

had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and

go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with

enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.  After a few hours, the

nephew returned.  "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle. 

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"


An old man died and left his talking parrot to his nephew. Unfortunately,

the old man's language was not the cleanest, and it would seem that the

parrot picked up on this. The nephew did not like this, and tried to break

the parrot of its swearing habit. He tried everything. He played religious

music, he was kind to the bird, he spent long hours trying to teach it

manners. Finally, one day, he became so frustrated, he threw the

parrot into the freezer. "There," he said. "Maybe he'll cool off in there."

For the first few seconds, the parrot swore a blue streak inside that

freezer. Then, suddenly, the parrot fell silent. A few moments later,

the nephew heard from within the freezer, "If you would be so kind

as to let me out, I promise to rectify my unsavory vocabulary." Shocked

and surprised, the nephew quickly opened the door and removed the chilly

but sedate bird. Before he could say anything, however, the parrot spoke.

"If you don't mind, may I ask what the chicken did?"


Q.  Why is air a lot like sex?

A.  Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.  The bartender serves him. 

The neutron says, "What do I owe you?"  The bartender says "For you, no charge."


"Say, Bill," a man said to his pal, "how do you like your new job?" 

"It's the worst job I ever had."  "How long have you been there?" 

"About three months."  "Why don't you quit?"  "No way. This is

the first time in 20 years that I've looked forward to going home."


For as long as I can remember I've had amnesia.


A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the

mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.

"Nothing," said the woman.  Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously,

what's wrong?"  "Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked

and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't

even tell me so much as "Thank you."  "Why should I?" he said. "Not once

in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."  "Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."


A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the

cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD" printed on

all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but

couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.  The clerk replied that

the letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do", and was meant to

inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine

what Jesus would do in the same situation.  The man thought a

moment and then replied, "Well, I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't

pay $7.95 for one of these caps."


A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She

prepared her will and made her final arraignments. As part of

these arrangements she met with her clergyman to talk about

what type of funeral service she wanted, etc. She told her

clergyman  she had two final requests. First, she wanted to

be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered

over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the clergyman said.

"Why Bloomingdales?" "That way, I know my daughters

will visit me twice a week."


Two birds are sitting on a perch.   One says to the other,

"do you smell fish?"


Q.  When Pavarotti got his first big break what was that called?

A.  A Grand Opera-tunity


Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"


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