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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 14



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Page 24 Lists Page
Attorney Jokes Blonde Jokes Holiday Jokes Lists Page


Submit your joke here

Q. Why did the computer need a jacket?


A. Because it kept freezing

One of the most successful inventors of all time was 

the man who invented the hay-bailing machine. 

Needless to say, he made a bundle.

Miss Bee was in her 80s, and much admired for 

her sweetness and kindness to all.  The pastor came 

to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she 

welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him 

to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat 

facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed 

a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. 

In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his 

shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss 

Bee had flipped...or something! But he certainly couldn't 

mention the strange sight in her parlor.  When she 

returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat.  

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl 

of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the 

better of him, and he could resist no longer.  Miss 

Bee," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you 

would tell me about this."  "Oh yes," she replied, 

"Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, 

and I found this little package.  It said to put it on the 

organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease."  

And you know, she continued... "I think it's working... 

I haven't had a cold all winter!"

Q. Why did the elephants at the circus go on strike?


A. They were tired of working for peanuts

Q. What do you give a seasick elephant?


A. Plenty of room

There were three men sitting on a bench. Man 1 

asked the other two:  "What do you want your family 

and friends to say at your funeral?"  Man 2 says, "I 

guess I'd want them to say I was a nice guy and I 

took care of my family"  Man 3 says, "I'd want them 

to say things like that too". Man 1 says: "That's all 

nice, but I want them to say - LOOK! HE'S MOVING!"

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One 

looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across 

the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his 

head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts 

on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.  

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you 

had it in you."  The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was 

the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. 

When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he 

had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed 

horseback riding with the members.  A few days later, 

she ran into some men at the shopping center and 

they complimented her on the speech her husband 

had made. She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised 

about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. 

The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, 

and the second time he fell off."

Q. What did the chicken do in its turn at bat?

A. It fowled out.

This fellow had owned this large farm for several years. 

He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice, 

picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. 

The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the 

pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. 

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and 

laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a 

bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He 

made the women aware of his presence and they all went 

to the deep end of the pond.  One of the women shouted to 

him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man 

replied, "Now, don't worry ladies, I didn't come down here 

to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, 

I only came to feed my alligators."

Two fish are in a tank.  One says to the other 

"You drive. I'll man the guns."

Little Johnny walks into a pharmacy and brings a 

box of tampons to the register.  The cashier looks 

at the boy and says, "Hi. Are these for your mom?"  

Little Johnny thinks for a moment and says, "Umm, 

no." The cashier says, "Oh. Then they're for your 

sister?"  Little Johnny says, "Naw." The cashier, 

now a bit curious, says, "Oh. Then they must be 

for your granny!" Little Johnny says, "Nope."  The 

cashier is now really confused. Finally she asks, 

"Well, what are you going to do with them?" Little 

Johnny says, "Well, I'm not sure yet. But on TV, 

they said if I buy these I can go fishing and swimming 

and horseback riding!"

Q. Why does the sky cry?

A. Because itís blue.

Q. Why is it so hard to fool a snake?

A. Because you canít pull its leg.

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.  

The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"  

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps 

getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is 

sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a good 

examination then turns to the mother and says, "Well,

I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is 

pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess."  

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she 

has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you 

Darla?"  Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed 

a man!"  The doctor walks over to the window and just 

stares out it.  About five minutes pass and finally the 

mother says, "Is there something wrong out there 

doctor?"  The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just 

that the last time anything like this happened, a star 

appeared in the east and three wise men came over 

the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?

A. Just in case they get a hole in one.

Warning - PG-13

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path 

after finishing off a considerable amount of whiskey at 

a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite 

sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against 

a tree. As he slept, two young lasses walked down the 

road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw 

him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman 

wears under his kilt." She boldly walked over to the sleeping 

man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him 

at his birth. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great 

mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a 

blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what 

nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked 

away.  Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by 

the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of 

the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw 

where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments 

of bewilderment, the Scotsman said... "I don't know 

where y'been laddie...but it's nice ta' know y'won first prize!"

The proctologist called, they found your head.

Q.  Did you hear about the fish that kept getting stuck in an underwater pipeline?

A.  It was an example of carp-in-tunnel syndrome.

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was

wrong.  "Ohhh, it's this girl I've been seeing."  "Oh yeah? What's

the problem?"  "When I asked her if she could learn to love me,"

he said - "she asked me how much I was willing to spend on

her education!"

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the

minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. 

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention

to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is

dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are

starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets

unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400." "How

terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?" 

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm

their landlord," he sobbed.

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. 

The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's 

nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. 

You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how 

old was your father when he died?" The 60 year old

responded, "Who said he was dead?" The doctor was 

surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very 

active?" The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 

years old and he still goes skiing three times a season 

and surfing three times a week during the summer."  

The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your  

grandfather when he died?" The 60 year old responded 

again, "Who said he was dead?" The doctor was 

astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 

years old and both your father and your grandfather are 

alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60 year old said, 

"He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a 

week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, 

"my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is 

getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years old, 

why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"  

The patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who 

said he wanted to?"

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at 

the insane asylum and he hears all the residents 

inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"  He 

continues walking along the long fence, but, being a 

curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are 

chanting "Thirteen!" over and over.  Could it be that 

they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking 

turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are 

counting the number of patients that have leapt off 

of the roof thus far. His curiosity peaks and he frantically 

searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what 

is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The 

hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer 

inside. He moves into position and peeks into the hole. 

As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye!  

Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting - 

"Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"


Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough 

neighborhood late at night trying to impress each 

other about how tough they are. The first mouse 

orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass 

on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, 

"When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set 

it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch

it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an 

appetite, and then make off with the cheese."  The 

second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams 

them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. 

He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, 

when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take 

it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee 

each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the 

rest of the day."  The first mouse and the second mouse 

then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a 

long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for 

this BS. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

God and Moses were out golfing...They were both doing 

well. Then they came up to the 5th hole. It was a dogleg 

to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit 

a long shot with a little hook. Right in the middle of the 

fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver.  

Then Moses said,"God, everytime you use you driver 

you always slice it."  So God said, "If Tiger Woods can 

do it, I can do it." So he approched the ball, got ready, 

then hit a long one. It drifted to the right, SPLISH! Right 

in the middle of the lake.  So Moses said, "See God, I 

told you that would happen. I'll get it this time but you'll 

have to get it next time." So Moses went out to the lake, 

held up his club, and parted the lake. Then he went down, 

picked up the ball, and came back. After that, everything 

was going fine.  Until the 18th hole, straight away, with a 

long lake on the right. Moses hit a nice straight shot down 

the fairway.  Then God took out his driver. Moses said, "God, 

last time you used your driver you sliced it. You always slice it."  

And God repeated, "If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it." So 

he got up, and hit the ball. Long hard shot, sliced, PLUNK!  

Moses said, "I got the last one." So God walked on the water, 

bent over, picked up the ball. About this time there was a

foursome coming up behind them. One if the guys saw what 

God was doing and asked Moses, "Who does that guy think 

he is, Jesus?"  Moses replied, "No. He thinks he's Tiger Woods!"

Q. How do you know when a train is eating?

A. You hear it chooing.

Q. What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark?

A. Floodlights.

"I had the strangest dream last night," a young man 

told his psychiatrist. "I saw my mother but, when she 

turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your 

face. As you can imagine, I found this very disturbing. In 

fact, I woke up immediately and couldn't get back to sleep. 

I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come. Then I 

got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my 

appointment. I thought you could help me explain the 

meaning of this strange dream.  "The psychiatrist was 

silent for a minute before responding:

"A Coke? That's a breakfast?"

An 85-year-old man marries a lovely 25-year-old woman.  

Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides 

that on their wedding night they should have separate 

suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could over 

exert himself. After the festivities she prepares herself 

for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. 

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom, 

ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes 

well, whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares 

to go to sleep for the night.  A few minutes later, there's a 

knock on the door and there stands the old guy -- ready for 

more action. Somewhat surprised, she consents to further 

coupling, which is again successful, after which the 

octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.  

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is 

close to sleep for the second time when there is another 

knock at the door and there he is again, fresh as a 25-year-old 

and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie. 

As they're laying in the afterglow, the young bride says to him, 

"I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough energy 

to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your 

age that were only good for one."  The old guy looks puzzled 

and turns to her and says, "Was I already here?"

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming 

sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.  

However, soon the weather turned so cold that he 

reluctantly started to fly south.  In a short time, ice 

began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a 

barnyard, almost frozen.  A cow passed by and 

crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought 

it was the end.  But, the manure warmed him and 

defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe,  

he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, 

hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.  The cat 

cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and 

promptly ate him.

The moral of the story:

1. Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.

2. Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend.

3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.

Some quotes about marriage...

A husband expects his wife to be perfect...and to understand why he's not.

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.

A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.

A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.

All marriages are happy; it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.

Every man has it in his power to make one woman remaining a bachelor.

Q. Why didnít the teddy bear eat dessert?

A. Because he was stuffed.

Q. What part of the fish weighs the most?

A. The scales

Sometimes it's best to leave well enough alone...

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic.  

As he laid the dog on the table, Doctor Buck pulled out 

his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. 

After a moment or two, the Doc shook his head sadly and 

said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away." "What?" 

screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any 

testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"  With that, 

Doc turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned 

with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, 

sniffing the poor dog on the table and checking him out 

thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the 

Retriever sadly shook his head and went, "Woof." The 

veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in 

a few moments with a cat, which walked around the poor 

dog several times and then sadly shook his head and said, 

"Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.  

The veterinarian said, "There's nothing more I can do." He handed

 the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went postal. "Six hundred 

dollars?!?! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!" Doc

shook his head sadly and explained, "If you had taken my word for it, 

the cost would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..."

Sometimes it's best to leave well enough alone, part 2....


One day a gentleman walked into one of Ben Franklin's 

book stores. As one of the clerks went to assist him, the 

gentleman asked the clerk the price of the book he wished 

to purchase. The young clerk looked at the price posted on 

the book and said, "That book is one dollar, sir." The gentleman 

began to haggle with the clerk over the price. The clerk assured 

him that the correct price for the book was one dollar and no lower. 

As the man realized that his efforts to haggle with the clerk were 

going nowhere, he insisted on speaking with Ben Franklin directly.  

Franklin stopped his work, walked out to the storefront and the 

gentleman asked, "What is the price of this book?"  Franklin 

answered, "One dollar and a quarter."  The gentleman was 

confused and replied, "Your clerk just said it was a dollar."  

Franklin looked at the book again and answered, "Yes, it was 

a dollar. But now you're wasting my time."

A big executive boarded a New York to Chicago train. 

He explained to the porter, "I'm a heavy sleeper, but I 

want you to be sure and wake me up at 3:00 am for 

the stop in Buffalo. I don't care what I say, you just 

make sure I get off in Buffalo."  The next morning the 

executive woke up in Chicago. He was furious. He found 

the porter and really gave him an earful before hustling 

off to purchase a return ticket.  After he left, a co-worker 

said to the porter, "How can you stand there and let 

that passenger abuse you like that?"  "That's nothing," 

said the porter. "You should have heard the guy who I 

put off in Buffalo!"

A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before 

Christmas dinner.  The family members bowed their 

heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking 

God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then 

he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, 

Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.  

Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave 

thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, 

the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the 

Cool Whip.  Then he paused, and everyone waited--and 

waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up 

at his mother and asked..."If I thank God for the broccoli, 

won't he know that I'm lying?"

"In this job we need someone who is responsible," 

said the employer.  "Then I'm your man," answered 

the potential employee. "On my last job, every time 

anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.

Q.  Why did the casino's black-jack person go see a shrink?

A.  He couldn't deal with it any more.

Q.  Why did the magazine editor go see a shrink?

A.  He had some issues.

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down 

the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.  The 

passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, 

it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer 

drinkin' these here beers!!"  Don't worry, Bubba", Earl 

said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers,  

peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and 

throw the bottles under the seat". "What fer?", asked 

Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl.  

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles 

under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.  

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, 

"You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We's 

on the patch"!

I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Some one liners:

World's shortest blues song: "I didn't wake up this morning..."


It's no use having a good memory unless you have something 

good to remember.


My mind contains many good ideas, but it is not always easy to 

squeeze one out.


There is a guaranteed way to get what you want: want less.


"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to 

quit going to those places."


Did you hear about the self help group for compulsive talkers? 

It's called On & On Anon.


If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.


If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him 

the checkbook.


Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?

Customer: What other colors do you have?


They say a picture is worth a thousand words, yet the guy at the 

gallery wouldn't trade me that painting for my newspaper.

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you 

can't wipe your friends on the couch.

Frogs have it easy. They can eat what bugs them.

It's God's responsibilty to forgive Bin Laden... 
It's OUR responsibilty to arrange the meeting!

Behind every great man is a great woman...and behind 

every great woman is some guy staring at her butt!

Can you yell "Movie!" in a crowded firestation?

BE ALERT! ...The world needs more lerts.

Where there's smoke, you'll find my wife cooking dinner.

Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Join the army! Travel the world, see distant lands, meet exciting and interesting people, and kill

This guy has been working as a bag boy in a 

supermarket for five years.  One day the supermarket 

gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real 

excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.  

The manager says no.  The bagger says, "But I've been working 

here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?" The manager

 says, "I'm sorry, son, but, baggers can't be juicers."

A young woman met her aunt downtown for lunch 

one afternoon and during the meal, the older woman 

asked her niece to deposit a paycheck for her at the 

bank where the girl worked. On her way back from work, 

the girl was accosted by a purse snatcher. "Help, help," 

she screamed at a passing cop. "That man has taken my 

aunt's pay - he's taken my aunt's pay!" "OK, lady," said the 

cop. "Cut out the pig latin and tell me exactly what happened."

A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. 

He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed 

to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.  

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the

  hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your 

doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and 

we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is 

extremely contagious!" "Oh my gosh," cries the man. 

He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?"  

"Well we're going to quarantine you and put you on a 

diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." "Will that cure 

me?" asked the man hopefully. The doctor replied, "Well 

no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the door."

More One Liners...

Strip mining prevents forest fires.

Endless Love: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

KENTUCKY: Five million people, fifteen last names.

Forget the Joneses. I can't keep up with the Simpsons!

Jesus saves sinners.... and redeems them for cash and valuable prizes.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door # 2?

For Sale: Taliban rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

GUN CONTROL: A solution in search of a problem.

The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?


Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Life is Uncertain... Eat dessert first!

They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. 

Men invade another country.
* Elayne Boosler

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and 

being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I 

originally got pierced ears.
* Geri Jewell

Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I 

hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope 

and send it to someone.
* Jan King

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
* Catherine Aird

Vegetarian: Native American definiton for "lousy hunter".

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful - hate me because your boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful!

Q. What do you get if you cross a turtle with a porcupine?

A. A slowpoke

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and 

as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help 

his mother, after his father appeared with two dinner 

guests from the office.  When the dinner was nearly 

over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly 

carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his 

father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came 

in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, 

who again gave it to a guest.  This was too much for 

Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces 

are all the same size."

A businessman who needed a hundred thousand 

dollars to clinch an important deal went to church 

to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to 

a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent 

debt.  The businessman took out his wallet and 

pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, 

the man got up and left the church. The businessman 

then closed his eyes and prayed,  "And  Lord, now that 

I have your undivided attention..."

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