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Some of the humor on this page may be a little grown up, or too politically incorrect for some viewers. If you are under 18, go back to the main joke page , or if you think you may be offended, just don't look.
Submit your joke here
Mergers we'd like to see....
Top 19 Rejected International Sports Team Names
19. Brussels Sprouts
18. Cannes Openers
17. Amsterdam Yankees
16. Vienna Sausages
15. Belgium Waffles
14. Manila Folders
13. Czech Bouncers
12. New Dehli Catessans
11. Buenos Airheads
10. Guadalajara Krishnas
9. Iraqi Raccoons
8. Bolivia DeHavillands
7. Seoul Brothers
6. Taipei Personalities
5. Syria Killers
4. Hungary Jacks
3. Dublin Mint Twins
2. Prague Tologists
1. Peking Toms
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
Rules that guys wished girls knew..........
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad's way past idiot.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz in Cosmo together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - but not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms.
Ski season is here! Here's a list of exercises to get you prepared:
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer
for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head
before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski
boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you
are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with
crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into
you at high speed.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger.
Be sure you are in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast
enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm
and you're following an 18-wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your
face. Leave the ice on your face until it
melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them
off because you have to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!
George W. Bushisms
"The inhabitants of Greece are the Greecians"
"The French don't have a word for 'Entrepreneur'"
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
"The future will be better tomorrow."
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
"They misunderestimated me."
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
"We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers."
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
"I do know I'm ready for the job [the presidency]. And if not, that's just the way it goes."
New meds for women...
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
St. Mom’s Wort
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of Jessica Simpson music.
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?"
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-One-All
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear,I have a headache," syndrome.
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a military hospital, on the door to Endoscopy: "To expedite your visit, please back in."
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call a plumber."
A Pizza shop slogan: "Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
At a propane filling station: "Tank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
At a plastic surgeon's: "Come on in and pick your nose."
PCMCIA- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN- It Still Does Nothing
APPLE- Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI- System Can't See It
BASIC- Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM- I Blame Microsoft
CD-ROM- Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2- Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW- World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH- Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System
PENTIUM- Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect
Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL- Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
WINDOWS- Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT- Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
Why do men die first?
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries ... but, now we know...
If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you ... it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks ... it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet ... it's male indifference.
If you cry ... you're a wimp.
If you don't ... you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a
If she makes a decision without consulting you ... she's a
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination.
If SHE asks you ... it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert.
If you don't ... you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist.
If you don't ... you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain.
If you don't ... you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers ... you're after something.
If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself.
If you don't ... you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache ... she's tired.
If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.
If you don't ... there must be someone else.
Bottom Line: Men die first because they want to.
YOU KNOW YOU’RE LIVING IN THE YEAR
Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just
content to watch while others do the work. They are called "Speck Taters".
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding
fault with the way others do the work. They are called "Comment Taters".
Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but
don't want to soil their own hands. They are called "Dick Taters".
Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others
to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.
They are called "Agie Taters".
There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never
get around to actually doing the promised help. They are called "Hezzie Taters".
Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they
are not. They are called "Emma Taters".
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed
company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at
the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated
general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are
transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights
to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report
says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce
the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size
of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create
clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them Worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years,
eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count
them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you
have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full
employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman who reported the numbers.
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
Actual questions and answers given
on the old unscripted Hollywood Squares television game show.
Q: "If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?"
Charley Weaver A: "Three days of steady drinking should about do it."
Q: "True or false, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?"
George Goebel A: "Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes..."
Q: "You've been having trouble going to sleep, are you probably a man or a woman?"
Don Knotts A: "That's what's been keeping me up."
Q: "Which of the five senses tend to diminish as you get older?"
Charley Weaver A: "My sense of decency."
Q: "Why do Hell's Angels wear leather?"
Paul Lynde A: "Because chiffon wrinkles too easily."
Q: "You've just decided to grow strawberries for the first time, are you going to get any?"
Charley Weaver A: "Of course not. I'm too busy growing strawberries."
Q: "When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?"
Paul Lynde A: "It'll make him bark."
Q: "Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one father?"
Paul Lynde A: "Why, that bitch!"
Q: "If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?"
Paul Lynde A: "Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark."
Q: "It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?"
Paul Lynde A: "Mine may be abused, but is certainly isn't neglected."
Q: "What do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?"
Charley Weaver A: "A divorcee."
Q: "Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or an elephant?"
Paul Lynde A: "Who told you about the elephant."
Q: "When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?"
Charley Weaver A: "I'll loan him the car, the rest is up to him."
Q: "Do female frogs croak?"
Paul Lynde A: "Only if you hold their little heads under water long enough."
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:
10. My shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk .
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot
to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE, AREN'T:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't:
1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM AREN'T:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty at a law firm but isn't:
1. Can you get me off?
Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".
Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.
A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.
My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.
He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're underqualified for our entry level positions."
Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for
that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.
More workplace humor...
What the supervisor is really saying in all those employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out:
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to
do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass.
WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
Murphy's Laws Of Parenting
A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
For adult education, nothing beats children.
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
There are three ways to get things done:
1: do it yourself. 2: hire someone to do it. 3: or forbid your kids to do it.
You can learn many things from children...like how much patience you have.
Steel Industry Documentary:
The Young and the Rustless
Indian Hit TV show:
Israeli Courtroom Hit:
Jailhouse Drama from Jamaica:
BBC Dog Show Documentary:
Jerry Springer Spaniel
Indian Game Show based on The Price Is Right:
Karma on down!
You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
* Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
* You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you
didn't have to wait for a commercial.
* You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the
dark side...it'll be a hoot."
* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock
thingy to get the barbecue to light up.
* You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
* You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get
in through the window.
* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
* You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
* If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
You know you're drinking too much coffee when...
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
Cocaine is a downer.
All your kids are named "Joe".
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.
You help your dog chase its tail.
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Rejected US Army Slogans
"Kill All That You Can Kill"
"Shower With Men"
"All The Grits You Can Eat"
"Be A Flame Thrower, Not A Flame Broiler"
"Purple Hearts = Free Beers At Hooters"
"Whimsical And Human, Just Like M*A*S*H"
"Cubicles Are For Wusses"
"Napalm Means Serious BBQ"
"Over 1,000,000 Sheared, Beaten, And Worked Into A Sub-Human Fury!"
"Totally Beefcake and Proud of It"
"Beat Up Sailors"
"We Won''''t Screw Your Mind Up As Bad As The Marines Will"
"Kicking Nazi Tail Since 1942"
"Don''t Ask, Don''t Tell, Don''t Accessorize"
"Risk Your Life for Freedoms No One Appreciates!"
"Play Doom...For Real!"
"Sure Beats Lurnin"
"Because Terminators Are Real"
TELL ME WHY???
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, "My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?"If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can't see them when you're in space?Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why does mineral water that "has trickled through mountains for centuries" have a "use by date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no-one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?
Lessons from Children -- From a San Diego father who has identified 35 truths he learned from his children:
1. There is no such thing as childproofing your house.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.
3. A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape.
5. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20' room.
6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
7. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up several times before you get a hit.
8. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long ways.
10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh-oh", it is already too late.
12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke...lots of it.
13. A 6 year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 60-year old man says it can only be done in the movies.
14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
15. If you use a waterbed as a home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak. It explodes.
16. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. ft house almost 4 inches deep.
17. Lego will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.
18. Duplos will not.
19. Play-Doh and microwave ovens should never be used in the same sentence.
20. Super Glue is forever.
21. MacGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
22. So can Tarzan.
23. No matter how much Jell-O you put in the pool, you still can't walk on water.
24. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
25. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
26. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
27. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
28. You probably don't want to know what that odor is.
29. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
30. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
31. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response.
32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
33. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
35. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life.
(...unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)
Malamute x Pointer = Moot Point, favorites of lawyers but ... it doesn't seem to matter.
Pointer x Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Kerry Blue Terrier x Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.
Great Pyrenees x Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Pekingnese x Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Irish Water Spaniel x English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
Labrador Retriever x Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Terrier x Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
Bloodhound x Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Collie x Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work.
Deerhound x Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
and I know my way around pretty well.
don't like and just give her a house.
you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've
thought of that!" -- Sean Connery
Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one!
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
is he still wrong?
front of the keyboard?
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that,
you have it made.
worse every year.
working woman to cut the grass. Bring the gasoline.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality
who dispenses advice to people who call in to her
radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant
Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination
according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned
under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to
Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on
the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people
regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal
rom your show, and try to share that knowledge
with as many people as I can. When someone
tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example,
I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly
states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding
some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know
it creates pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev. 1:9. The
problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not
pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as
sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age,
what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman
while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness
- Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have
tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess
slaves, both male and female, provided they are
purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of
mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but
not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on
the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should
be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating
shellfish is an abomination of Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser
abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can
you settle this?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar
of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that
I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20,
or is there some wiggle room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including
the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly
forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead
pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by
planting two different crops in the same field, as does
his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds
of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse
and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to
all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone
them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death
at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep
with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am
confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us
that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted disciple and adoring fan,
Some very catchy slogansbusiness owners have come up with...
Plumber: "We repair what your husband "fixed""
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"
Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."
At A Laundry Shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge,close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"
At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
On a Butchers window: "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence: "Salesman welcome, dog food is expensive."
On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
(From a machine at a college dorm:)
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of
it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." beep "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
Hello! This is Sam. If you leave a message, I will call you soon. If you leave a *sexy* message, I'll call sooner!
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.'
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we
probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a brother.(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend. (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends.(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)
Vive le difference!!
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male......The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male......Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male.......Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.......Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male......Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male...... Source of entertainment, self-statement, and male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.......Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5
alphabet as defined by Moms.....
Things not to say on your Valentine's date...
Top 20 Ways to tell someone their fly is open...
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.
The typical IQ needed to understand any PC.
"State of the Art"
Any computer you can't really afford and your wife does not want you to buy.
[NOTE: See Nanosecond, Obsolete, Syntax Error and GHZ]
The term describing any computer you have purchased.
[NOTE: See Nanosecond]
The time it takes for your "State of the Art" computer to become obsolete.
Apple's new line of Macintosh Computers that make you say "Gee, that's
four times faster than the Macintosh computer I bought for over twice that
price a mere Nanosecond ago."
[NOTE: See Obsolete]
Walking into any computer store and saying "Hello, I would like to buy
the fastest computer you have, and money is NO object!"
The often used sales tactic by commission based computer salesmen,
commonly seen immediately after someone has made a "Syntax Error."
The new physical / mental condition that occurs the "Nanosecond" after
you have bought the "State of the Art" computer.
[Which of course happened after making the afore mentioned "Syntax Error"
and then listening to the salesmen's "Hard Drive."]
NO ARMS AND LEGS JOKES - if you know one we missed, send it here .
Q: What do you call a guy in the pool with no arms or legs?
Q. Same guy, on your doorstep?
Q. Same guy, on the wall?
A. Art !
Q. In a hole in the ground?
A. Phil !
Q. Water skiing?
Q. What do you call a dog with no arms or legs?
A. Nothing, it can't come anyway!
Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef
Top Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See....
ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS:
ON A HAIRDRYER:
*Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
*You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
*Directions: Use like regular soap.
FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION:
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
*Fits one head.
ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT:
*Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
*Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
*Do not Iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE:
*Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
*Warning: May cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
*Warning: Keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
*For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
*Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
*Warning: contains nuts
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
*Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
*Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren't necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. One should never generalize.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
11. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; don't repeat yourself, or say the same thing over again, it's highly superfluous.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. Understatement is always best.
15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
Rule of thumb - Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
Is Santa very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide … Is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
I childproofed my house, but they still get in.
On the front) 60 is not old.
On the back) if you're a tree
I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes.
At my age, "getting lucky" means finding my car in the parking lot.
My reality check just bounced.
Life is short...make fun of it.
I'm not 50, I'm $49.95 plus tax.
Annapolis....a drinking town with a sailing prob
I need somebody bad....are you really bad?
Buckle up... it makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.
I'm not a snob. I'm just better than you are.
It's my cat's world. I'm just here to open cans.
Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.
Keep staring...I may do a trick.
We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone.
Every time I hear the dirty word "exercise" I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.
Live your life so that when you die, the preacher will not have to tell lies at your funeral.
In God we trust....all others we polygraph.
My wife came with instructions. Lots of instructions.
My Housekeeping Philosophy
1. I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into them and hurt themselves.
2. I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip and hurt themselves I'd feel terrible, especially if they sued me.
3. I don't mind the dustbunnies because ... they are very good company and I have named most of them. Besides, they agree with everything I say.
4. I don't disturb cobwebs because ... I want every creature to have a home of their own and wifey loves spiders. You should hear her yell in excitement when she sees one.
5. I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.
6. I don't plant a garden because ... I don't want to disturb nature; God is an excellent designer.
7. I don't put things away because ... my wife would never be able to find them again.
8. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.
9. I don't iron because ... I believe them when they say "Permanent Press".
10. I don't stress much on anything because ... Type A
Personalities die young and I want to stick around and become an
embarassment to my kids.
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