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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 11

 

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Page 23

Page 24 Lists Page
Attorney Jokes Blonde Jokes Holiday Jokes Lists Page

 

Submit your joke here


On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she
asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained,
"He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday
morning." "Horrified, Jenny suggested that having sex at the age of
94 was surely asking for trouble." "Oh no," her gran replied, "we had
sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells (in with the
dings and out with the dongs)." She , and wiped away a tear. "If
it wasn't for that damn ice cream truck going past just as the
church bells were ringing, he'd still be alive."

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself,
"It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks,
"It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks,
"It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous
blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She
comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since
you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!", he says. She reaches
over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls
out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes
a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she
asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of
whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips
her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and
gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's
fantastic !" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs
down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long
has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" And the man
replies, "NO WAY! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
Three guys died and when they get to the pearly gates,

St. Peter meets them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you
guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven,
I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth
because if you don't you will forfeit your privilege of being here and we'll
have to ask you to visit our friend below. Your answers will also
determine what kind of car you get. You have to have a
car here in Heaven because it is so big!" The first guy walks up
and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?" The guy replies,
"24 years." St. Peter then asks, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
The guy says, "Yes, about 10 times...but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same questions from Peter to
which he replies, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but
that was during our first year and we worked it out and I was faithful there after."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln Town Car for you to drive."
The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask.
I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my
wife like a queen!" Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar
for you to drive" A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the
Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they
went to see what was the matter. When they asked him
what was wrong he tearily said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"

Q.  What do you get when you cross hot dogs with bobcats?

A.  Sausage Lynx


A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. 

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. 

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where

are you going?  You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your

sandwich!"  The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a

PANDA! Look it up!"  The bartender opens his dictionary and sees

the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian

origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."


Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drinking:  Indubitably;

Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.

Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drinking:  Specificity;

Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder;

Loquacious; Transubstantiate.

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drinking: 

Nope, no more beer for me; Sorry, but you're not really my type; Good

evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?  Oh, I just couldn't--no one

wants to hear me sing!


Q.  Why did the Amish couple get divorced?

A.  He was driving her buggy.


A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.

He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey
says, "You are, mighty lion! Later, the lion confronts a wild beast and
fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified wild beast stammers, "Oh great
lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the
jungle!" On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant
and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk,
slams him against a tree half a dozen times. The lion starts feeling like it'd been run
over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it lookes like a corn
tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head
weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you
don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"


How Canada got its name...

There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known
as Canada. "You know," said the first explorer, "we should name
this place we're hiking through, eh." "I agree," said the second
explorer. "Great idea, eh" quipped the third explorer. "We'll each
pick a letter and then make a name out of that." "Okay,"
said the third, "I'll go first. C, eh." The second said: "N, eh."
The first... "D, eh."


SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure the higest levels of quality work and productivity
from employees, it would be our policy to keep all employees well
trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING:
<S.H.I.T.> We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone
else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediatly placed at the top of
the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that
you get all of the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't take
their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE
EVALUATION PROGRAMS <D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.> Those who fail to
take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE
TRAINING <E.A.T. S.H.I.T.> Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before
they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are
full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be interested
in a job training others. We can add you name to our BASIC
UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST <B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.> Those who
are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.|.T. jobs, and can apply f
or promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING
<D.I.P. S.H.I.T.> If you have further questions, please direct them
to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPEICAL HIGH INTENSITY
TRAINING <H.O.T. S.H.I.T.>

Thank You,

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
<B.I.G. S.H.I.T.>


During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down

a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud

with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. . "Your jeep stuck, sir?"

asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied

the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."


On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and

civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control

tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from

an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded,

"Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does

it make?" The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it

is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air

Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6

bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and

the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft,

it's Thursday afternoon."


Officer: Sailor, do you have change for a dollar? Sailor: Sure,

buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's

try it again. Sailor, do you have change for a dollar? Sailor: No, SIR!


Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?

A: He'll tell you.


Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?

A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.


Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?

A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.


Three Marines were walking through the forest 

when they came upon a set of tracks. The first 

Marine said, Those are deer tracks." The second 

Marine said, "No, those are elk tracks." The third 

Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose 

tracks. " The Marines were still arguing when the 

train hit them.


A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting 

in the barbershop. They were both just 

getting finished with their shaves - the 

barbers were reaching for some after-shave 

to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, 

"Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will 

think I've been in a whorehouse!" The chief 

turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead 

and put it on. My wife doesn't know what 

the inside of a whorehouse smells like."


"Well," snarled the tough old Chief to the 

bewildered seaman. "I suppose after you 

get discharged from the Navy, you'll just 

be waiting for me to die so you can come 

and spit on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the 

seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, 

I'm never going to stand in line again!"  (Had 

to read that one twice)


President George W. Bush, ex-President Clinton and

Saddam Hussein were walking along a beach one day
when they came across an old lamp washed up on the shore.
George picks it up and rubs it. Sure enough, out pops a Genie.
The Genie said, "I will grant you three wishes. Since there are
three of you, each of you will get one wish."
Clinton thought for a moment and then responded,
"I wish that all the people of America would forget about Monica
and about the money for the pardons.
The Genie granted the his wish. Poof! All Americans
no longer remembered a thing about Clinton´s problems.
President George W Bush said, "I wish for a big wall
all around America and that all Americans would think I am smart."
Poof! The Genie granted Bush his wish and a huge wall was erected
around the USA and all Americans now thought Pres. Bush was very smart.
Saddam Hussein thought for some time before responding. Finally, he
asked, "Tell me, Genie, how big is this wall around the USA?"
"The wall is 150 ft. high and 50 ft. thick," replied the Genie.
"And, nothing can get in or out of the wall."
"Okay, then," replied Saddam, "fill it up with water!"
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze
sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up
and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,"
says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze
rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two
live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but
every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and
follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred
rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks
even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from
sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the
thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom
of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs,
the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions,
so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge, a trail of
rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he
jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the
bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement
as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where
they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you had a bronze Democrat".

Q.  Can music make you think?

 

A.  It made Stevie Wonder


Watching her mother as she tried on her new mink coat, the

daughter protested "Mom, do you realize some poor, dumb

beast suffered so you could have that coat?"  Her mother

glared back at her and said..."Don't you dare talk about

your father that way!"


A man in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite

up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it comes

crashing back down. He tries this a few more times, all the while

his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself

how men need to be told how to do everything.  She opens the

window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail."  The

man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make

up your mind, last night you told me to go fly a kite!"


Q.  What do you call a perpetual beaver colony?

 

A.  Eternal dam nation.


Linda and Jill are having coffee, when Linda notices that Jill seems

a little troubled and asks her. "Is something bugging you, you look
a little anxious?" "Well, my husband just lost all his money and life
savings in the stock market," Jill explained. "Oh, that's too bad,"
Linda sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."
"Yeah, I am," Jill, said. "I think he'll miss me."

Why some people think the chicken crossed the road

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was an historical inevitability.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
JERRY FALWELL & RUSH LIMBAUGH (Joint Statement)
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see
the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other
side." That's what "they" call it ... the "other side." Yes, my friends,
that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become
gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination
that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases
like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road.
It's against the laws of man and nature and the rule of law must prevail.
It's as plain and simple as that.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens
have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 99, which will not only cross roads, but will
lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook...
and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?
Could you define chicken please?
GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed
the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
"Thou shall cross the road" And the chicken crossed the road, and
there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?


A large two-engine train was crossing America. After it had gone
some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the
engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the
other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.
The engineer decided he should inform the passengers
about why the train had stopped, and made the
following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.
The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we are stuck here
for some time. The good news is that this not American Airlines"


Price of Livestock Increasing
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an
inspection of the place. The farmer had tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping
that it could be a friendly relationship. But she kept nagging them at every opportunity,
demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to
the farmer and his new bride.

During the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the
mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the
casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that
whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod
his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered
to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what
that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy'
and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I
would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"


Not long after his marriage, Joe Jr and his father Joe Sr, met for lunch.
"Well, son," asked Joe Sr, "how is married life treating you?" "Not very
well, I'm afraid," sighed junior. "It seems I married a nun." "A nun?" his
father asked. "That's right Dad," - "None in the morning, none at night,
and none at all unless I beg!" Joe Sr nodded knowingly and slapped his
boy on the back a couple of times. "Son, why don't we all get together
for dinner tonight and get your mind off it?" Young Joe Jr smiled, "Say,
Dad, that's a great idea!" "Fine," replied Joe Sr..."I'll call home and tell
the Mother Superior to set two extra plates!

Copyright 1998 - 2011 by The Coburn Group, Sierra Madre. All logos, trademarks or product names mentioned or displayed herein are the property of their respective owners. All photographs and videos on this site Copyright 1998 - 2011, by Bill Coburn, Sierra Madre, CA unless otherwise noted Any reference to the City of Sierra Madre or Sierra Madre applies to the community of Sierra Madre and not the city government. The City of Sierra Madre, California government is not affiliated with Sierra Madre News.Net at this time. Any city government information provided herein has been previously published for public dissemination and is shown here as a public service of Sierra Madre News.Net without explicit permission of the government of the City of Sierra Madre.