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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 19
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For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with
her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real
gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other
world. We all talk to them! Last week, I talked with my mother,
may she rest in peace. Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to
your zayde (grandfather) who you miss so much!" Milton Pitzel
could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam
Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the
green table, holding hands with the person on each side. All
were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom." Madame
Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a
crystal ball. "My medium... Vashtri," she called. "Come in.
Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel? Milton Pitzel's Zayde?"
Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grampa?
Zayde?" "Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered. "Yes! Yes!"
cried Milty. "This is your Milty! Grandfather, are you happy
in the other world?" "Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your
bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the
shining face of the Lord!" A dozen more questions did
Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did his zayde
answer, until "So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels
are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask.
Ask." "Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to speak English?"
An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious
womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. "Turn the car
round," he ordered. The driver promptly stalled the car. By the
time he had re-started it, the girl had vanished. "Driver," said
the major, "you'd be a total loss in an emergency." "I thought
I did pretty well," the driver said. "That was my girl."
A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a tramp
steamer to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the
classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on
the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives
him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the
mate orders, "Come starboard." Pleased at knowing immediately
which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and
walks over to his instructor. The mate has an incredulous look
on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently
considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you
bring the ship with you?"
Q. What did Snow White say when the photographer said her photos were done?
A. I knew some day my prints would come!
The man said, "Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to
change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around
at all hours of the night and more. "She taught me how to dress
well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and
how to invest in the stock market." "Sounds like you may be
bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you,"
the man's lawyer suggested. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so
improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned
to visit on his vacation. He wrote: "I would very much like to bring
my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would
you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've
been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've
never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures
off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night
for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on
a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if
your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
Why in America do we have a general in charge of the post office,
and a secretary in charge of defense?
A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them
unwilling to admit they might be in error. "I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife
told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right." He
agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first. "I'm wrong," she
said. With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"
Sign seen on a plastic surgeon's window: "Come in and pick your nose!"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve
food in here."
"Doc, I can't stop singing "The green, green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Q. What do you call a sheep that runs around with forty thieves?
A. Ali Baa Baa
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
There was a man at a gas station, pumping gas into his truck.
While pumping he got gas on his arm. He wiped some of it off,
then forgot about it. He paid for his gas and got in the truck.
As he was driving down the road, he lit up a cigarette, and the
gas on his arm caught on fire. He rolled down the window and
was waving his arm about, when he was pulled over by the cops.
The officer charged him with improper use of firearms.
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and
the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and
in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the
farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing
out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at
some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said,
"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The
trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah,
if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies." So the
farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See,
they're called circle flies because they're almost always
found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper
says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after
a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you
trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no,
officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and
police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back
to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says,
"Hard to fool them flies, though."
A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going
to the pub. Get your coat on." The wife, overjoyed that he
has included her in his activity, replies, "Does that mean
that you are taking me with you, darling?" The husband
replies, "No. I'm turning the off the heat."
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the
bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says,
"We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry,
demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more
forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The
bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat
that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't
serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the
end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat
and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer
to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says,
"I'm NOT on drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
George Carlin on life....
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean,
life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the
end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle
is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're
too young, you get a gold watch, you got to work. You work forty
years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do
drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You
go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the
womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off
as a gleam.
Q. What did the fisherman say to the magician?
A. 'Pick a cod, any cod.'
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.
90% of Fords are still on the road.
The other 10% made it home!
Q. How is a drama teacher like an obsolete form of public transportation?
A. They are both stage coaches
A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose,
black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad
fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked
his son what happened. "Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged
Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair." "I know, but I never
thought he'd choose his big sister!"
The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she
returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely
quiet. She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like
this before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you?
Why are you so well behaved and quiet?" Finally, after much urging, little
Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came
back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."
One fall day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a
hearse going down the street, followed by another hearse,
followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a
dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued,
Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and
asked who was in the first one. "My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?" "My dog
bit her and she died." Dave was taken aback. "And who's
in the second hearse?" "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her
too and she died as well." Dave asked, "Can I borrow your
dog?" "Get in line."
An old man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab,
he checks his pockets and leaves three pennies for a tip. As
he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to
herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip
he leaves." The man turns around, curiosity getting the better
of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?" "Well,
this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to
conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough."
"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at
her perception, he says, "That's true, too." "And the third
penny tells me that your father was also a bachelor."
Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "Get out!
We don't serve your type here."
The workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today. They are demanding
to make less money!
Q. A butcher is 6 foot tall and wears a size 12 shoe. What does he weigh?
Q. Why did the shepherd get a ticket?
A. Because he made a ewe turn.
Q. What happens when you take Viagra and Prozac at the same time?
A. You get a guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where.
The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who
staggered into his office and slumped into a chair. "I'm losing
my memory, Doctor," he sobbed. "What should I do?" "Pay me in advance."
A Man's Perfect Breakfast
You're sitting at the breakfast table...
Your son's picture is on the box of Wheaties.
Your daughter is on the cover of Fortune.
Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy.
Your wife is on the back of the milk carton.
In Arkansas, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking
Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the
dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and
sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt
looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking when
I was still a pretty young pup. I wanted to help the government,
so I told the CIA about my gift, and after a short stint at Langley,
they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies
eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and
I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.
So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters
and listening in. While I was there, I uncovered some incredible
dealings and a great deal of contraband, for which I was awarded
a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm
just enjoying the retired life." The guy is amazed. He goes back
in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says,
"Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth
are you selling him, so cheap?" The owner replies, "He's just a
big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff".
A pirate captain was out to retrieve his buried treasure. After months
of hard sailing his ship caught site of land, the land to which his
treasure map had been leading. He and his first mate disembarked
on the island to search out the buried treasure, which was supposed
to lie hidden deep within a swamp at the center of the island. Sure
enough, at the center of the island was a swamp, and the Captain
and his first mate bravely entered the swamp. Soon the swamp
began to get deeper, and the pirate's feet, then ankles, and finally
entire leg below the knees was covered in swamp. It was at that
time that the Captain banged his shin against something hard.
He reached down, searched around, and pulled up a treasure
chest. Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels
beyond imagination. The Captain turned to his first mate and said,
"Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye, that booty is only shin deep!"
After a meeting with the Pope, Bill Clinton held a press conference
and announced that they had a very successful conference and
had agreed on about 60% of what they discussed. When asked
what they discussed, Clinton replied: The Ten Commandments.
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final
exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the
professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and
wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this
semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers
flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion.
Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting
to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the
class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the
group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he
had barely written anything at all. This is what he wrote:
A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted
to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable
with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel
went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out
and landed in a heap at her husband's feet. "Are you hurt?"
he asked. "Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times
around and you didn't wave once!"
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful
to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men.
In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor,
"take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly
is Larry's bar?"
In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed
a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "THINK!"
The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign
and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone
had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "THOAP!"
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch
about his first visit to a big city church. "When I got there, they
had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began. "You mean
the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. "I
walked up this cement trail to the door," Joe continued. "The
sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him. "Inside the door,
I was met by this dude," Joe went on. "That would be the usher,"
Charlie explained. "Well, the usher led me down the chute,"
Joe said. "You mean the aisle," Charlie said. "Then, he led me
to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued. "Pew," Charlie
retorted. "Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said
when I sat down beside her."
A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds that St. Peter is
not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch.
He walks up to it and sees "Welcome to www.Heaven.com.
Please enter your User ID and Password to continue." He
doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line
reading: "Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So he does.
Up pops a screen which reads, "Please enter at least two of the
following, and your password and ID will be e-mailed to you."
The fields include "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and
"Favorite Food." The man enters his name and date of birth,
and clicks "Submit." Up pops another screen which reads,
"We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would
you like to register?" So the man clicks the button marked "Yes."
A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the man
spends some time filling it out. Then he clicks the "Submit" button.
Now he is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service
is temporarily unavailable; please try again later." There is a button
marked "Back." He clicks it. A new page appears. It reads,
"Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and
Password to continue..."
Two doctors opened an office in a small town. They put up a sign
reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors
changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable
either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign
to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go! Next they tried
"Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again. Then came,
"Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives." But it was still not
good! So they tried: "Minds and Behinds" "Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts" "Freaks and Cheeks" "Loons and Moons"
None worked. Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally
came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."
A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking
past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse
me, did you want that cart?" "No," he answered. "I'm only
after one thing." As he walked toward the store, he heard
her murmur, "Just like a man."
A man and his wife are watching a championship boxing match
on TV. Early in the second round, one of the fighters goes
down for the count. The husband sighs and says, "I'm so
disappointed. It was all over in four minutes!" The wife replies,
"Good. Now you know how I feel."
Three Indian women were pregnant and the time of their deliveries
was drawing near. They all entered the maternity tepee. The
maternity tepee was equipped with two deer hides and a
hippopotamus skin -- a bed for each of the women. Finally
the babes were delivered. The two babes delivered to the
women on the deer hide beds weighed 6 pounds each and the
third lady's baby weighed 12 pounds. This goes to show that
"The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the
squaws of the other 2 hides."
A lady goes into an auto parts store and asks for a seven ten
cap. The guys behind the counter all looked at each other and
said, "What's a seven ten cap?" She said "You know, it's right
on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it on?" they asked. They were thinking
maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said, "It's a Buick."
"OK lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands
about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?" they asked.
She said, "I don't know but it's always been there." One of them
gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it.
So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the
center she writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking
at it upside down as she writes it and they just fell down behind
the counter laughing.
It was rush hour, and the city bus filled until the aisle was
jammed with standing commuters. One woman, precariously
balanced on spike heels, clung to a handgrip. Suddenly the
bus took a sharp corner, flinging her across the laps of two
seated male passengers. There was silence and all eyes
turned on the threesome. Laughter erupted as the
quick-witted woman righted herself and quipped, "All these
years I thought I was British, and now I find I'm a Laplander!"
A computer was something on TV from
a science fiction show of note,
a window was something you hated to clean
and ram was the cousin of a goat,
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights,
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment,
a program was a TV show,
a cursor used profanity,
a keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age,
a CD was a bank account,
and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
you hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage,
not something you did to a file,
and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire,
hard drive was a long trip on the road,
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
and a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife,
paste you did with glue,
a web was a spider's home,
and a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head,
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
but when it happens they wish they were dead.
Q. Of all the workers employed in building a house, which are the most
likely to have a criminal record?
A. The counter fitters.
Although the couple was being married in New Hampshire, they wanted
to add a touch of her home state, Kansas, to the wedding. Explaining this
to a friend, the groom to be said that they were planning to have wheat
rather than rice thrown after the ceremony. The friend thought for a
moment. Then he said solemnly, "It's a good thing she's not from Idaho."
A man goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I don't understand what's going
on with me. It's really strange, sometimes I feel like a teepee." The doctor
thinks about it for a while and then urges the man to continue. So, the
man continues, "And sometimes I feel like a wigwam." To which the
doctor says, "I wouldn't worry about it, Fred, it sounds like you're just two tents."
Q. Why shouldn't you keep a library book on the ground overnight?
A. Because in the morning it will be over dew.
Male chauvinist pig jokes...
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A. When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't. There's a clock on the oven.
Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A. The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
A little equal time...
Q. What's the difference
between a new husband and a new dog?
Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. The Lord comes and says "I
want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their
women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their
women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter." Said and done, the
next time The Lord looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The
line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and
in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. The
Lord got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created
you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only
one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them
my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man
replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes. It's a woman's
job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature.
And hopefully they'll turn out to be something she would like to have
Q. How many honest,
intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
is the difference between men and women?
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a
quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun
suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of
drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man!
Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now
Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the
offensive. "How do you know, Sister? Have you ever had
a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are
saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous - of course I have
never taken alcohol myself." "Then let me buy you a drink -
if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink
for life." "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house
drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you,
then no one will know." The Nun reluctantly agrees, so
Arthur goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a
triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says
to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that drunk Nun again is it?"
A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about
churches around the country. He started by flying to San
Francisco and worked his way east from there. Going to
a very large church, he began taking photographs and
making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the
vestibule wall and was intrigued by a sign which read:
"$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked
about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that
this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if
he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man
thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he
continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake, Denver,
Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he
found more phones, with the same sign, and the same
answer from each pastor. Finally, he arrived in the lovely
mountains of North Carolina. Upon entering a church, behold,
he saw the usual golden telephone. But this time, the sign
read "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the
pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country
and in each church I have found this golden telephone and
have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could
talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000
a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?" The pastor,
smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in the South now, and
it's a local call."
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman
tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room,
everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic woman chirps,
"My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call
him, "Your Grace." The third Catholic mother says, "My son is
a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your
Eminence." Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee
in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"
So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied
dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"
A jealous husband hires a private detective to check on the
movements of his wife. The husband wants more than a written
report: he wants movies of his wife's activities. A week later,
the detective returns with a reel of film. They sit down together
and proceed to watch it. Although the quality is less than
professional, the man sees his wife meeting another man!
He sees the two of them laughing in the park. He sees them
enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He sees them dancing
in a dimly lit nightclub. He sees a dozen activities shared by
both the man and woman with utter glee. "I just can't believe
this," the distraught husband said. The detective says, "What's
not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!" The husband
replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"
Doug suggested. "But what if my wife finds out?" "Heck, this
is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!"
So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring
us closer together." "Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that...
it never worked."
While making the rounds, Dr. Owens points out an X-Ray to
a group of medical students. "As you can see," he says,
"the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically
arched. Davis: What would you do in a case like this?" Davis
pondered for a second and answered, "I guess I'd limp, too."
Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next
week Diane agreed to marry him. After three months of
married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was
ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that
she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or
even worse, called out other men's names! Whenever they
went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other
men. Finally, he decided to confront her. "Diane," he said,
"was the only reason you married me because my
grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died?"
"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave
you the money!"
A man went to visit his doctor. "Doctor, my arm hurts bad.
Can you check it out please?" the man pleads. The doctor
rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk..."
Hello Doctor, could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm
desperate" the arm says. The doctor says, "Aha! I see the
problem.... Your arm is broke!"
A banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat. His friend
grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker
could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?" "Of course
I can," the banker replied, "but this is a hell of a time to talk business.
A man went on a Safari in Kenya, Africa last year and he
was surprised one of the bush- camp rules was no card
playing for money was allowed. When he was asked why,
he was told, "We don't allow it because there are too
many cheetahs in the jungle."
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students,
pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be
out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory
to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule
will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking
this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught
a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
"How much for a season pass?"
"Women on Haircuts"
Woman 1: Oh! That haircut is so cute!
Woman 2: You think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave
me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my
hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm
pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable.
And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would
look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except
that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck!
Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have
for a shoulder line.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would kill for your
shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at
my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I
could get clothes to fit me so much easier. (etc...)
"Men on Haircuts"
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.
The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over Ebonics, has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI -- noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."
BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't
herd from him in munts."
IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR -- noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS -- noun. A supervisor. Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE -- noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD -- Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted. Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
FAT -- noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.
ARE -- pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.
RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN -- adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."
DID -- adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA). Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE -- a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert."
SEED -- verb, past tense.
VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"
On their 30th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the
reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said,
"I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no "I" in
'marriage.'" The wife said, "And for my part, I have never
corrected my husband's spelling."
One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town.
On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation,
"There isn't anything that will save us except to pray for rain.
Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready
to thank God for sending rain." The people did as they were
told and returned to church the following Sunday. But as soon
as the parson saw them, he was furious. "We can't worship today.
You do not yet believe," he said. "But," they protested, "we prayed,
and we do believe." "Believe?" he responded. "Then where are your umbrellas?"
Q. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A. Where's my tractor?!
A lady was browsing through everything at a yard sale and
said to the hostess, "My husband is going to be so upset
when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale." "I'm sure he'll
understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,"
the hostess replied. "Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he
just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the
hospital to have it set."
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out
a box of Tampax and proceeded to the check-out counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old
are you?" "Eight", the boy replied. The man continued, "Do
you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly,
but they aren't for me. They are for my brother, he's four. We
saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim
and ride a bike. He can't do either one.
One day a young man was visiting the fair. Over to one side was
a small tent, with a sign that said "For 50 dollars I'll teach you to
be a mind reader! - Apply within." So the young man thought that
he'd give it a go, and went inside. Behind a small table inside
was an old man, who looked up when the young man entered
and says, "Ah, you must be here for the mind reading lessons."
"Er, yes," the young man said. "Well, follow me, and I'll give you
your first lesson." Then the old man goes out the back of the tent
and comes back with a hose. "Here, hold this hose," he said.
"Why?" said the young man. "It's part of the lesson," replies
the old man, "Now, look in the end and tell me what you see."
So the young man looks into the end of the hose, and only
sees darkness. "I don't see anything," he tells the old man.
Just then the old man turns on a tap, and the hose shoots
water into the young man's face. "I just knew you'd do
something like that." the young man shouts at the old man.
"There. You are now a mind reader!" the old man replies,
"That'll be 50 dollars."
Q. What did the big watch hand say to the small hand?
A. Got a minute?
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether
men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one
man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that,"
answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since
I was twenty-one." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept
a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
Although he was a qualified meteorologist, a local broadcaster
ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program.
He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began
keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been
wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of
notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another
part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank
on the job application called for the reason for leaving his
previous position. In the blank he wrote quite honestly,
"The climate didn't agree with me."
Q. Did you hear about the man who wore glasses on his bottom?
A. He had terrific hindsight!
Q. What's the hardest thing about falling out of bed on the first day of school?
A. The floor!
Q. What's another name for a sex change operation?
A. Artificial infemination
A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wares.
As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a small boy
sitting on the front steps. "Is your mother home?" the salesman
asked. "Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let
him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked
once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy,
the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home." The kid
replied, "She is." The man said, "Then why doesn't she answer the
door when I knock? Is she hard of hearing?" "No, she hears fine.
She doesn't answer" replied the boy, "because I don't live here."
Q. Why don't gingerbread men wear shorts?
A. Because they have crummy legs.
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the
interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze
was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided
to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he
suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to
himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100....
Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am
I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to
him, took his license without a word and examined it and
the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift
and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork,
so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I
haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a
second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop.
I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a
nice weekend," said the officer.
"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says
to his client." "What's the bad news?" The lawyer says,
"Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."
"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?" "Well,"
the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."
A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk my son.
Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before.
Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be
preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else." The
boy stared wide eyed and said, "Yes." The father continued,
"But don't worry, it's perfectly normal. It's called golf."
Q. After the flash on his camera malfunctioned, what did Satan
get back from the drugstore?
A. Prints of darkness
Q. What was on the license plate of the pickup truck of the sheep farmer?
A. Ewe Haul
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