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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 23

 

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Page 24 Lists Page
Attorney Jokes Blonde Jokes Holiday Jokes Lists Page

 

Submit your joke here


A young city boy visiting a dude ranch wanted to appear macho,

so he went out walking with one of the hired hands.  As they were

walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation,

 "Say, isn't that a fine-looking bunch of cows over there."  The hired

hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' it's 'herd.'"  "Heard what?"  "Herd of cows." 

"Sure, I've heard of cows!" finished the city boy excitedly, "there's a

big bunch of 'em right over there."


Foreign aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries

to rich people in poor countries.


An extremely shy fellow once brought his date a bouquet of flowers.

She threw her arms around him and kissed him long and hard.

After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.  She exclaimed,

"Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."  "You didn't!" he replied.

"I'm going to buy ya some jewelry!"


In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the

word about electricity. Once, while vacationing out West, he

stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn

that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to

use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use

the outhouse regardless of the weather. To help the Sioux,

Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act,

he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!


How to tell if a redneck has been using your computer.....

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Bubba".

4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".


A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

The audience would be different each week, so the magician

allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. 
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the

shows every week and began to understand what the magician

did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting

in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!"  "Look,

he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the

cards the Ace of Spades?"  The magician was furious but couldn't

do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.  One day the ship

had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece

 of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was

by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter

a word.  This went on for several days.  After a week the parrot

finally spoke: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"


All the numbers went to a party and numbers being what they are,

all the evens stayed around each other and all the odds did the

same and neither group interacted with each other.  Whilst two was

chatting to four he noticed zero was on his own in the corner and

suggested to four that because zero is sort of even he should be

encouraged to mix with even numbers - four agreed. So off went

two to invite zero into their little group. "Would you like to join our

little group" enquired two, to which zero replied "I have nothing to add!"


A certain white whale and a tiny herring were inseparable friends.  

Wherever the white whale went in search of food, the herring was

sure to go. One spring day the herring turned up off the coast of

Norway without his companion. All the other fish were curious,

and an octopus finally asked the herring what happened to his

whale friend.  "How should I know?" he replied, "Am I my

blubber's kipper?"


Q.  Why are infantry soldiers so tired on April 1st?

A.  Because they have just finished a thirty-one day March.


Last April Fools Day, I phoned the local zoo and said,

"I'd like to speak to the king of the jungle."  The operator

answered immediately, "I'm very sorry, but the lion is busy."


Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when

your kids are teenagers don't reach them till they're in their 40s.


Q.  Did you know that Cinderella was a lousy basketball player?

A.  What did you expect? She only had a PUMPKIN for a coach!


Q.  Why is an empty purse always the same?

A.  Because there is never any change in it.


An old man was in his golden years, but that didn't stop him

from trying to pick up the younger ladies. He went to the local

bar, approached a very pretty and very young woman and said,

"Where have you been all my life?"  The young lady takes one

glance at him and says, "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."


This is going to be the theme for the next Survivor Show....

  • Six married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.

  • Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.

  • There is no access to fast food.

  • Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

  • The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

  • There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.

  • The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches.

  • They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 A.M; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

  • The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.

  • The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

  • If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years - eventually earning the right to be called "Mother".


An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean

that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the

Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom,

or beauty.  Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. 

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke

and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean,

who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.  One of his colleagues

whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs and says, "I should

have taken the money."


There were two old men, one a retired professor of psychology,

and the other a retired professor of history. Their wives had talked

them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were

sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set. The

history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you

read Marx?" To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes,

I think it's the wicker chairs!"


Four brothers left home for college.  They became successful doctors,

and lawyers and prospered.  Some years later, they chatted after having

dinner together.  They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to

their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, "I

had a big house built for Mama".  The second said, "I had a hundred

thousand dollar theater built in her house".  The third said, "I had my

Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur".   The fourth

said, "Listen to this.  You know how Mama loved reading the Scriptures. 

And you know, too, she can't read anymore because she can't see very

well.  I met this Priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the

entire Bible.  It took twenty priests twelve years to teach him.  I had to

pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church. 

Let me tell you...  it was worth it.  All Mama has to do is name a chapter

and verse and the parrot will recite it".  The other brothers were impressed.  

After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:  

Dear Milton, The house you built is so huge.  I live in only one room, but I

have to clean the whole house.  Thanks anyway.  Mama  

Dear Marvin, I am too old to travel.  I stay home, I have my groceries delivered,

so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver you hired is a Democrat.  The

thought was good.  Thanks anyway.  Mama 

Dear Manny, You give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold

50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. 

I'll never use it.  Thank you for the gesture just the same.  Mama 

Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little

thought to your gift.  The chicken was delicious. Thank you.  Mama


Q. How is a drama teacher like an obsolete form of public transportation?

A. They are both stage coaches


Q. Why was the computer so good at golf?

A. Because it had a hard drive!


Q. How did the boy get Egyptian flu?

A. He caught it from his mummy!


A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says,

"What denomination?" The woman says, "Good grief! Has it come to this?

Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Protestants, 32 Baptists."


2 flies are sitting on the ceiling. One says to the other, "Your man is open." 


A man went to visit his doctor. "Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Can you

check it out please?" the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the man's

sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk, "Hello, Doctor, could you

lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate," the arm says. The

doctor says, "Aha! I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"


Woman's version....

"Men are like wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job

to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into

something with which you'd like to have dinner."

Man's version.....

"Women are like wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating

to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour

and vinegary and give you a headache."


Sam and Mike are walking from religious service. Sam wonders whether it

would be all right to smoke while praying.  Mike replies, "Why don't you ask

Father Smith?"  So Sam goes up to Father Smith and asks, "Father, may I

smoke while I pray?"  But Father says, "No, my son, you may not. That's

utter disrespect to our religion."  Sam goes back to his friend and tells him

what the good Father told him.  Mike says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the

wrong question.   Let me try."  And so Mike goes up to Father Smith and asks,

"Father, may I pray while I smoke?"  To which Father Smith eagerly replies,

"By all means, my son. By all means."


Lady of the house: "I want you to stand at the front door and call the guests' names as they arrive."

Butler: "Very well, madam. I've been wanting to do that for years."


A man was golfing with a friend and went to the restroom. When he came out he

sighed audibly and his friend said to him, "Feel better?"  "Yeah," he said, "It's

the only place on the whole course where nobody tells me how to improve my

stance or change my grip!"


Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says,

"You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the

stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." 

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the

edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just

 woken up!"  The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's

always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. Then, with a startled look on her

face, she asks, "Who's there?"


A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach.

The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red.

He walks around a bit and sees that there is dark red grass,

dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's

shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red

too.  "Oh no!!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!!"


Bumping into Judi on the sidewalk, the Tom Cruise look-alike

apologized.  "Pardon me, ma'am, I'm sorry."  "Quite all right,"

Judi said, enamored. "You look just like my fifth husband!" 

"Wow!" he said, "How many times have you been married?" "Four."


According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families

paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. 

Seven million of these were antiques.  The rest were college students.


A group of office co-workers decided one day to share a ride to work.

What they did not realize was that they also shared the same fear --

claustrophobia. As they were driving through a mountain tunnel, all

began to scream wildly! The car went out of control, but finally, they

were able to slow down and pull over to the side of the road. A

psychologist who was driving behind the car saw everything and

stopped to see if he could help. He immediately ascertained what

the problem was -- they were suffering from carpool tunnel syndrome.


Q.  Why was the dog kicked out of the flea circus?

A.  Because he stole the show!


After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. 

As they passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden, one of the boys asked, "Father,

what's that?"  Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."


"I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder."  --  Craig Charles


"No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas." --  Ashleigh Brilliant


Q.  What did the farmer count his cows with?

A.  A cowculator


A man goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of Pepsi, a bag

of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza.  The cute girl at the register looks at him and says,

"Single, huh?"  Sarcastically the guy sneers, "Maybe. How'd you guess?"  She replies,

"Because you're ugly."


Lou was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.  "Give me one last request, Dear,"

he said.  "Of course, Lou," his wife said softly.  "Six months after I die," he said,

"I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last

breath John said, "I do!"


Q.  How many men does it take to open a beer?
A.  None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.


Q.  What do you call 32 hillbillies standing in line?

A.  A full set of teeth!


A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,

yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to

his senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by

him, he said, ''''You know what? You have been with me all through

the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you

were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know

what?''''  ''''What, my dear?'''' she asked gently.  ''''I think you bring me bad luck.''''


Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike.

Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands

are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"


Maxims for the Internet Age

1. Home is where you hang your @

2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

4. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

5. The geek shall inherit the earth.

6. What boots up must come down.

7. Virtual reality is its own reward.

8. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

9. There's no place like www.home.com

10. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the

Net and he won't bother you for weeks.


After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive," Saddam

decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is

still in the game.  Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded 

message:  370HSSV-0773H.  George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out

and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent

it to the CIA.  No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and

NASA and the Secret Service -- the list got longer and longer.  Eventually they

asked Mossad in Israel for help.  Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and

replied: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down!"


Q.  What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?

A.  National Dyslexics Association.


Some elephant jokes....

Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?

A: Optimistic!

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?

A: Free Parking.

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?

A: Sole use of the elevator.

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

A: You walk him and pitch to the Zebra!

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?

A: It's bike is outside.

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?

A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.

Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?

A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?

A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?

A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?

A: Great big holes all over Australia.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?

A: Elephino.

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?

A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?

A: So that they don't sink in the sand.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?

A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.


An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans,

spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.  As he sat

there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. 

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked,

"Are you a real cowboy?"  "Well, I have spent my whole life on

the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I

guess I am," replied the cowboy.  After a short while he asked

her what she was.  "I've never been on a ranch so I know I'm not

a cowboy," said the young woman, "but I am a lesbian. I spend

my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the

morning I think of women.  When I eat, shower, watch TV,

everything seems to make me think of women."  A short while

later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple

sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" 

"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."


Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of

vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he noticed a little

pool of liquid forming under the bowl. He called the waitress

over and said, "There's broth all over the table. I think the bowl

is cracked."  The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup,

didn't you?"  "Yes."  "Maybe it has a leek in it!"


Q.  What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A.  One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with and

the other is used to carry groceries.


Q.  Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

A.  Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.


A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches

the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.  "Good

afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"  "Yes, officer . . . I know

I was speeding--but it is a matter of life or death."  "Oh, really? How's that?" 

"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."  "I don't see how that is

a matter of life or death."  "If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a

dead man."


A traveling salesman's car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank

during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him several hours to

make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally

reached the front door and knocked on it. A grizzled old farmer

answered, and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night. 

"Why sure young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk." said the

hospitable old man. "But I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with,

like ya always hear about in them thar jokes."  "Oh!" said the

salesman, "Just how far is it to the next house?"


A man went into a pet store and asked the clerk, "Do you have any dogs

that go cheap?"  The salesman said, "No, just birds."


To the tune of Lord, Won't You Buy Me, A Mercedes Benz....

Oh, Lord, won't you find me a WMD?

My friends won't send forces, or money to me.

Looked hard under sand dunes; there's nothing to see,

So Lord, won't you find me a WMD?

 

Oh, Lord, won't you find me some chemicals, please?

France and Australia are laughing back at me.

I wait for intelligence each day until three,

So Lord, won't you find some banned chemicals, please?

 

Oh, Lord, won't you buy me a fight in Iran?

There's oil in there, Lord; please give me their sand.

Prove that you love me and buy me a plan,

Oh, Lord, won't you find me a fight in Iran?

 

Oh, Lord, won't you find me a WMD?

The Dems might just rally and get off their knees.

Elections are coming; there's nothing to see,

So Lord, won't you find me a Dubya MD?


"Skipper," the sailor said to his captain as he saluted,

"A special message just came in for you from the admiral. 

I have it right here."  "Read it to me," the captain ordered. 

The sailor began reading nervously, "You are without a

doubt the most idiotic, lame-brained officer ever to

command a ship in the United States Navy."  The skipper

responded, "Have that communication decoded at once!"


Q.  What was the convenience store clerk's reaction when Satan

came in and asked for a lemon lime drink?

A.  He gave the Devil his Dew.


In the news the other day, a tractor-trailer loaded with brand-new

file folders was hijacked. Later the same day, a truck carrying boxes

of Post-its was stolen. Authorities are still investigating, but they

believe the robberies were the work of organized crime.


An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession. 

"Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door

and asked me to hide her from the Enemy. I hid her in my attic." 

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son,

and you have no need to confess."  "It's worse, Father. She started

to repay me with sexual favors."  "You were both in great danger,

two people together under those circumstances act that way. You

are forgiven."  "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.

But I have one more question."  "And what is that?"  "Should I tell

her the war is over?"


Copyright 1998 - 2011 by The Coburn Group, Sierra Madre. All logos, trademarks or product names mentioned or displayed herein are the property of their respective owners. All photographs and videos on this site Copyright 1998 - 2011, by Bill Coburn, Sierra Madre, CA unless otherwise noted Any reference to the City of Sierra Madre or Sierra Madre applies to the community of Sierra Madre and not the city government. The City of Sierra Madre, California government is not affiliated with Sierra Madre News.Net at this time. Any city government information provided herein has been previously published for public dissemination and is shown here as a public service of Sierra Madre News.Net without explicit permission of the government of the City of Sierra Madre.