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Yuma Me - General Joke Page
Submit your joke here
A young city boy visiting a dude ranch wanted to appear macho,
so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were
walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation,
"Say, isn't that a fine-looking bunch of cows over there." The hired
hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' it's 'herd.'" "Heard what?" "Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows!" finished the city boy excitedly, "there's a
big bunch of 'em right over there."
Foreign aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries
to rich people in poor countries.
An extremely shy fellow once brought his date a bouquet of flowers.
She threw her arms around him and kissed him long and hard.
After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door. She exclaimed,
"Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you." "You didn't!" he replied.
"I'm going to buy ya some jewelry!"
In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the
word about electricity. Once, while vacationing out West, he
stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn
that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to
use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use
the outhouse regardless of the weather. To help the Sioux,
Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act,
he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!
How to tell if a redneck has been using your computer.....
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician
allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
shows every week and began to understand what the magician
did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting
in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look,
he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the
cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't
do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship
had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece
of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was
by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter
a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot
finally spoke: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"
A certain white whale and a tiny herring were inseparable friends.
Wherever the white whale went in search of food, the herring was
sure to go. One spring day the herring turned up off the coast of
Norway without his companion. All the other fish were curious,
and an octopus finally asked the herring what happened to his
whale friend. "How should I know?" he replied, "Am I my
Q. Why are infantry soldiers so tired on April 1st?
A. Because they have just finished a thirty-one day March.
Last April Fools Day, I phoned the local zoo and said,
"I'd like to speak to the king of the jungle." The operator
answered immediately, "I'm very sorry, but the lion is busy."
Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when
your kids are teenagers don't reach them till they're in their 40s.
Q. Did you know that Cinderella was a lousy basketball player?
A. What did you expect? She only had a PUMPKIN for a coach!
Q. Why is an empty purse always the same?
A. Because there is never any change in it.
An old man was in his golden years, but that didn't stop him
from trying to pick up the younger ladies. He went to the local
bar, approached a very pretty and very young woman and said,
"Where have you been all my life?" The young lady takes one
glance at him and says, "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."
This is going to be the theme for the next Survivor Show....
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean
that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the
Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom,
or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke
and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean,
who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. One of his colleagues
whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs and says, "I should
have taken the money."
There were two old men, one a retired professor of psychology,
and the other a retired professor of history. Their wives had talked
them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were
sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set. The
history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you
read Marx?" To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes,
I think it's the wicker chairs!"
Four brothers left home for college. They became successful doctors,
and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having
dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to
their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, "I
had a big house built for Mama". The second said, "I had a hundred
thousand dollar theater built in her house". The third said, "I had my
Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur". The fourth
said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Scriptures.
And you know, too, she can't read anymore because she can't see very
well. I met this Priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the
entire Bible. It took twenty priests twelve years to teach him. I had to
pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church.
Let me tell you... it was worth it. All Mama has to do is name a chapter
and verse and the parrot will recite it". The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
Dear Milton, The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I
have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway. Mama
Dear Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered,
so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver you hired is a Democrat. The
thought was good. Thanks anyway. Mama
Dear Manny, You give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold
50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind.
I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same. Mama
Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little
thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you. Mama
Q. How is a drama teacher like an obsolete form of public transportation?
A. They are both stage coaches
Q. Why was the computer so good at golf?
A. Because it had a hard drive!
Q. How did the boy get Egyptian flu?
A. He caught it from his mummy!
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says,
"What denomination?" The woman says, "Good grief! Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Protestants, 32 Baptists."
2 flies are sitting on the ceiling. One says to the other, "Your man is open."
A man went to visit his doctor. "Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Can you
check it out please?" the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the man's
sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk, "Hello, Doctor, could you
lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate," the arm says. The
doctor says, "Aha! I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
"Men are like wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job
to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something with which you'd like to have dinner."
"Women are like wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating
to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour
and vinegary and give you a headache."
Sam and Mike are walking from religious service. Sam wonders whether it
would be all right to smoke while praying. Mike replies, "Why don't you ask
Father Smith?" So Sam goes up to Father Smith and asks, "Father, may I
smoke while I pray?" But Father says, "No, my son, you may not. That's
utter disrespect to our religion." Sam goes back to his friend and tells him
what the good Father told him. Mike says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the
wrong question. Let me try." And so Mike goes up to Father Smith and asks,
"Father, may I pray while I smoke?" To which Father Smith eagerly replies,
"By all means, my son. By all means."
Lady of the house: "I want you to stand at the front door and call the guests' names as they arrive."
Butler: "Very well, madam. I've been wanting to do that for years."
A man was golfing with a friend and went to the restroom. When he came out he
sighed audibly and his friend said to him, "Feel better?" "Yeah," he said, "It's
the only place on the whole course where nobody tells me how to improve my
stance or change my grip!"
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says,
"You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the
stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the
edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just
woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's
always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. Then, with a startled look on her
face, she asks, "Who's there?"
A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach.
The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red.
He walks around a bit and sees that there is dark red grass,
dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's
shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red
too. "Oh no!!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!!"
Bumping into Judi on the sidewalk, the Tom Cruise look-alike
apologized. "Pardon me, ma'am, I'm sorry." "Quite all right,"
Judi said, enamored. "You look just like my fifth husband!"
"Wow!" he said, "How many times have you been married?" "Four."
According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families
paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work.
Seven million of these were antiques. The rest were college students.
A group of office co-workers decided one day to share a ride to work.
What they did not realize was that they also shared the same fear --
claustrophobia. As they were driving through a mountain tunnel, all
began to scream wildly! The car went out of control, but finally, they
were able to slow down and pull over to the side of the road. A
psychologist who was driving behind the car saw everything and
stopped to see if he could help. He immediately ascertained what
the problem was -- they were suffering from carpool tunnel syndrome.
Q. Why was the dog kicked out of the flea circus?
A. Because he stole the show!
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.
As they passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden, one of the boys asked, "Father,
what's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
"I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder." -- Craig Charles
"No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
Q. What did the farmer count his cows with?
A. A cowculator
A man goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of Pepsi, a bag
of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza. The cute girl at the register looks at him and says,
"Single, huh?" Sarcastically the guy sneers, "Maybe. How'd you guess?" She replies,
"Because you're ugly."
Lou was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, Dear,"
he said. "Of course, Lou," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said,
"I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last
breath John said, "I do!"
How many men does it take to open a beer?
Q. What do you call 32 hillbillies standing in line?
A. A full set of teeth!
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.
Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to
his senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by
him, he said, ''''You know what? You have been with me all through
the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you
were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know
what?'''' ''''What, my dear?'''' she asked gently. ''''I think you bring me bad luck.''''
Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike.
Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands
are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"
Maxims for the Internet Age
1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
4. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
5. The geek shall inherit the earth.
6. What boots up must come down.
7. Virtual reality is its own reward.
8. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
9. There's no place like www.home.com
10. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the
Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive," Saddam
decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is
still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded
message: 370HSSV-0773H. George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out
and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent
it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and
NASA and the Secret Service -- the list got longer and longer. Eventually they
asked Mossad in Israel for help. Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and
replied: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down!"
Q. What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
A. National Dyslexics Association.
Some elephant jokes....
Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.
Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: You walk him and pitch to the Zebra!
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: It's bike is outside.
Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.
Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Great big holes all over Australia.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.
Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans,
spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat
there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?" "Well, I have spent my whole life on
the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I
guess I am," replied the cowboy. After a short while he asked
her what she was. "I've never been on a ranch so I know I'm not
a cowboy," said the young woman, "but I am a lesbian. I spend
my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the
morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV,
everything seems to make me think of women." A short while
later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple
sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of
vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he noticed a little
pool of liquid forming under the bowl. He called the waitress
over and said, "There's broth all over the table. I think the bowl
is cracked." The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup,
didn't you?" "Yes." "Maybe it has a leek in it!"
Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with and
the other is used to carry groceries.
Q. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A. Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches
the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something. "Good
afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?" "Yes, officer . . . I know
I was speeding--but it is a matter of life or death." "Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home." "I don't see how that is
a matter of life or death." "If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a
A traveling salesman's car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank
during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him several hours to
make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally
reached the front door and knocked on it. A grizzled old farmer
answered, and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night.
"Why sure young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk." said the
hospitable old man. "But I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with,
like ya always hear about in them thar jokes." "Oh!" said the
salesman, "Just how far is it to the next house?"
To the tune of Lord, Won't You Buy Me, A Mercedes Benz....
Oh, Lord, won't you find me a WMD?
My friends won't send forces, or money to me.
Looked hard under sand dunes; there's nothing to see,
So Lord, won't you find me a WMD?
Oh, Lord, won't you find me some chemicals, please?
France and Australia are laughing back at me.
I wait for intelligence each day until three,
So Lord, won't you find some banned chemicals, please?
Oh, Lord, won't you buy me a fight in Iran?
There's oil in there, Lord; please give me their sand.
Prove that you love me and buy me a plan,
Oh, Lord, won't you find me a fight in Iran?
Oh, Lord, won't you find me a WMD?
The Dems might just rally and get off their knees.
Elections are coming; there's nothing to see,
So Lord, won't you find me a Dubya MD?
Q. What was the convenience store clerk's reaction when Satan
came in and asked for a lemon lime drink?
A. He gave the Devil his Dew.
In the news the other day, a tractor-trailer loaded with brand-new
file folders was hijacked. Later the same day, a truck carrying boxes
of Post-its was stolen. Authorities are still investigating, but they
believe the robberies were the work of organized crime.
An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession.
"Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door
and asked me to hide her from the Enemy. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son,
and you have no need to confess." "It's worse, Father. She started
to repay me with sexual favors." "You were both in great danger,
two people together under those circumstances act that way. You
are forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
But I have one more question." "And what is that?" "Should I tell
her the war is over?"
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